Keep getting angry over minor things

[Rudymudy]

I'm generally pretty mellow, I get annoyed by colleagues and friends on occasion like everyone does, but nothing major!

Unfortunately though I get really angry about situations with my husband. It's always minor things, but I just feel a rage and we end up arguing over tiny things. I feel like he doesn't listen to me. Example from today. We were talking about wrapping paper the other day, I said we had a nice roll from last year and we could get some other similar ones. We could use up the old less nice half rolls on edible gifts as we generally keep them on a cupboard as our tree is next to the stove and no one wants a melted selection box!

Today I came home and he's wrapped up gifts for three people in a random old paper but more annoyingly he's taped chocolate to the front of each one which means they now need to be kept in the cupboard taking up space when I hoped to wrap and get stuff under the tree and out the way at the weekend. They are toys and bulky! It's minor but it's just so annoying as we had a conversation about it only two days ago. He didn't even use the nice roll that I had previously mentioned. Of course he thinks I'm being ridiculous which I concede I am to a certain extent but why does he do these things? It's always something small but it really gives me the rage. He's now stormed off upstairs and won't talk to me about it. Can anyone relate or am I just a terrible person? How do I deal with the rage and why am I able to cope with other people doing annoying things without getting worked up?

I think it could be like they say with kids- how they can be angels in school and then go home and let loose! So he’s like your home and so unfortunately you ‘take stuff out’ on him.

That or everything has built up with him and he irritates you, which is not good!

To me this reads like this,

I talk to my husband.
He completely ignores me and does the opposite thing.
He does this all the time I have become resentful.
This is why my anger seems disproportionate.
He minimises my feelings and tells me I’m overreacting.
Then he storms off and refuses to engage.

What does this say to you?

You have discussions on wrapping? Bloody hell just be glad the jobs done .....prezzies under a tree are a burglar's dream keep them out of sight. Wrap fakes for the tree in the nice stuff.

If they have so many mundane discussions then it's a lot of mundane information to remember otherwise the DW will get mad. The extent of my conversation about wrapping paper with DH is if we have it or not. OP doesn't sound as chill as she thinks she is.

Feelings over wrapping paper it will be in the bin nobody will be saying on new year wow wasn't that wrapping paper great if this is the level of importance I wouldn't be listening just saying get a life.

I don’t think it’s literally about the wrapping paper. It sounds more like a culmination of him not listening to her.

But if the wrapping paper is a typical example it all sounds pretty boring maybe they need to get some spark into things not worry about trivial mind numbing shit.

Thanks for the replies. I acknowledged it was trivial shit, but is that not what most couples argue about?

Pick your battles, this is a minor issue. You’ll make yourself unwell having arguments about minor stuff on a regular bases.

I left a partner for the sort of micro managing you’re displaying. Give him the respect of making decisions like an adult equal to yourself. Let him figure out what the problem is, he’ll soon learn through trial and error.

If that’s all you have to complain about in your relationship, count your blessings, seriously!

Listened to a program on radio 4 I think where they found that men literally do not hear a large proportion of what is said to them - as no reaction in the brain. So if you are being ignored 1. Before you say anything decide if it is important. if not don't bother cut down the 'trivia overload'. 2. Make a special point of attracting his attention. ie 'Name' this is important can you pay attention for a minute - I need you to ... 3. Confirm the action you need - So can you do ... for me by 'time' - is that OK with you ?

I appreciate you're repeating something you've heard rather than necessarily your opinion so sorry if this feels directed at you but this just feels like the constant 'get out of jail free card' men seem to get - they can't multi task, they can't listen, they can't hear, they can't manage emotions as well, they can't cope with sleepless nights etc etc. why are women always expected to adapt our behaviours to accommodate men all the time? It just feels like more mental load for women to discern the most important information to expect men to 'hear'.

my psychologist says that these outbursts come from me not having my needs met in the relationship. However that is hard to articulate, hard to assert oneself and impossible if your partner cannot or will not step up.

OP do you have these grumpy urges with other people in your life?

This.

It's not 'just' the wrapping paper is it.

Very well said. Why do women always have to do the work and the men get to behave like children. And yet so many of them have an intrinsic lack of respect for us or think we're beneath them.

I think some people struggle with remembering " petty" things especially if it's been a longish conversation and they then do the thing you've asked them not to do.
If I said to my brother, for example, please could you buy me any bar of chocolate except Yorkie, he would get to the shop and remember Yorkie and that's what he would come home with.

Yes and then exploding over the wrapping paper makes you look a nutter as it's not about that. Although if they are all as petty as the wrapping paper yes it is you, you are not in charge of how presents are wrapped!

Sigh. This would annoy me too - not the wrapping paper so much, but taping the chocolate to the gifts.

If he doesn’t listen, then you either leave them under the tree to melt or in the cupboard in the way and hope he can learn through consequences but it would be an awful lot quicker if he could listen.

I think I heard John Gottman once talk about men not listening to women, as a neurological norm - those that do, typically have longer marriages (surprise surprise)

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-men-dont-listen-to-wo_b_808187 This is an interesting read though, when you’re feeling a bit less ragey.

Absolutamente 👍👏👏👏👏 Then we get told we are micromanaging and we are in the wrong for that too. Can’t win.

Yeah but again, it’s a culmination of not being listened to that’s the problem here not the specific things they are arguing about. If you are never listened to it begins to make you feel resentful and invisible. You don’t matter. It makes even small things become a problem. It’s the act of not listening that’s the issue.

Plenty of people don't argue. I do not because I don't enjoy it and there's nothing that me and my husband fundamentally disagree on.
The bulk/chocolate or whatever is your husband's problem to figure out.
I wouldn't find a man who generally doesn't listen or give a shit what I say remotely attractive, but then again, I would zone out at topics like old wrapping paper.😄

On some level I very much understand becoming irritated but the progression to rage is probably the part to watch and maybe thats because you know he is not listening, it happens to often or the bad bits are outweighing the good bits.

Irritating example, going food shopping together and for some reason he expects me to know the entire contents of the kitchen and all the dates saying things like 'how many cans of sprite do I have left?' (which I dont drink) and I just say 'I dont know' to every answer which annoys him.

However for me its about how the rage progresses (if it does) and then diminishes (if it does) so my food shopping example is one evening after work and before dinner = we are both exhausted and starving and neither of us want to be there. By the time we are home and eaten we are having a hug and a kiss.

I dont know how many couples have the irritating part maybe it isnt normal (it is for us) but it passes quickly, its easily forgotten and if on the odd occasion there is someone going off in a huff it lasts 5 mins because its not important.

Menopause started like this for me. I wanted to batter the bin men for mixing up my bin with next door AND dropping shredded paper. I ran down the street shouting.

Penny Lancaster threw Rod’s dinner up the wall. Happens to the best of us.

I don't think most couples in healthy relationships routinely argue about anything.

Probably most couples might bicker about trivial shit but the thing about mild bickering about each other's foibles is that it's not remotely serious at all. Some of DP's habits mildly annoy me and I poke fun at them (as he does at me) but they don't make me angry.

If there's a pattern in your marriage where he never listens to you that's worth pulling him up on but if there isn't, or it's just about trivial shit, sorry then I would also zone out if you were micromanaging how to use wrapping paper (in fact I already did, a minute after reading your post I've forgotten your specific gripe because it was so boring).

This.

You are having lots of ruptures in your relationship but it sounds like no repairs. So each incident is mainlining into all the unresolved upset of all the previous incidents, hence a large reaction.

The cumulative effect of always being ignored is not a minor thing.

No, I don't think so. Me and DP have argued six times in 20 years, and it's always about something serious. Yes, we have disagreements, but arguments where someone raises their voice or storms off or cries, they should be really rare in a strong relationship.