New relationship and commitment

[WaffleCity85]

Hi
I'm in a fairly new relationship, 3 months. For context this is someone I've known of but not well, for approx 20 years.
We're late 30s, no kids on his side and I've got one 9 yo.
We've both split up with long term partners at the beginning of the year.
I am totally over mine.
His ended more amicably but they now live opposite ends of the country as a result of the split.
I am really struggling with how to manage my expectations at this stage. He's very vague and hard to pin down for plans. He says he loves me but his actions don't really show me that.
It is basically impossible to plan longer than a week ahead and he won't even entertain Xmas plans.
I guess I'm asking, can he want a serious relationship but not want to plan things with me at this stage?
What did your relationship look like at the 3 month stage? I don't know how often is normal to see each other, to text, to see each other's Friends and family??
What would you expect over Xmas? How would I know if he's not over his ex?
To add, he is amazing, and I really love so so much about him. It's just this lack of commitment that's driving me crazy!
Thanks.

It's early days. Have fun and enjoy what you have otherwise you will scare him away.

It's too early for the level of commitment you are talking about. Take it week by week for another six months. Keep the romance and newness going.

Xmas is 3 weeks away so I'd expect some Xmas plans at 3 months personally.
I would suggest OP that you either get on with your life and plans and if you are free and want to see him when he is free you do but you will remain frustrated keeping your diary open waiting for a crumb from him or bin him off.

Any man who is interested is clear and unambiguous even at the start - doesn't mean they plan months ahead but there is no doubt and no headfuck.

We've all heard of the phrase "when someone shows you who they are, listen" and he is.

I remember this stage! I was head over heels but obviously that's a bit too much for 3 months! Play it cool, keep having fun and enjoying it but attempt to keep anything serious a bit under your hat for the min! It'll come if it's right. I think at that stage we were seeing each other a couple of times a week, hadn't introduced friends/family /kids etc. our first Christmas we'd been together 6 months. We saw each other the night before Christmas Eve, then he popped over last thing one night because he missed me, but we were still not telling children etc so it was under the radar. I said the I love you at 8 months and the sod left my stewing for 2 weeks before he said it back! 😂 I actually started a thread on here about it, and lots of folks said LTB!
We've been together 4 years and it's the best relationship I've ever had. He is my person, my rock and teammate and I adore him. As he does me!

Take it slow! If the feeling gets too much I used to keep a highly embarrassing journal where I'd write everything down I wanted to say to him 😂

It sounds like you’re forcing things and being a bit full on when it’s only been three months. He’s vague, hard to make plans with an his actions don’t meet his words - step back and leave him to make some effort as it sounds like he’s only saying what you want to hear. Not really the actions of a man who is supposed to love you. At this stage they are normally mega keen to make plans.

Way too early.
Surely Xmas plans at this point are just planning a meal out with him? I wouldn’t expect Xmas with him already, and he wouldn’t need to meet family for a long time yet, and definitely not your child.

To answer some of your questions..

Three months in we were deep in the honeymoon period. We would text constantly, see each other a handful of times a week, we always had plans for the following weeks too so we always knew when we would see each other next. We didn’t say I love you at this point but it was obvious that we were both smitten and our actions meant more than words.

We didn’t spend Christmas together as we had plans with our own families but we were together in the lead up and after.

At 3 months I wouldn't have introduced anyone to my friends and family, and I wouldn't have any particular Christmas plans beyond meeting up one of the less important days (eg 27-30th) to hang out and exchange token gifts, unless one of us was away, in which case we'd just meet up when we're back.

Seeing someone: 1-3x/week variably, depending on other commitments. I wouldn't be planning more than a week or so in advance either.
Texting: not much, but I don't like it, except to make in person arrangements.
Commitment: not until over a year, absolute minimum, more likely 2. But guess it depends what you mean by that - I mean, being sure enough of them to consider a long term relationship.

I'm pretty slow burn in relationships - works for me though.
Other people prefer to do it differently, and that's fine for them - maybe you both just have different, but equally valid ideas on how to conduct things.

Thank you so much for all your replies. They are reassuring!
I think I do need to calm down and step back a bit.
Do you think the lack of commitment means that he doesn't want it as much as me or could it be that this is just his personality?

At that stage I wouldn't think of integrating them into family Christmas time, but would be a bit nonnplus if there weren't any plans to meet at all during that period (unless one of you were away etc).

The whole not making any future plans is a bit of a warning sign to to me, smells a bit like situationship rather than relationship if you are having to make all the arrangements or suggestions for everytime you meet.

It's early but I think you're getting signs he's not on the same page. Not necessarily about christmas but about interest levels.

It's very early days. Tbh I'd even be uncomfortable with 'I love you' this early on. Unless maybe you mean the relationship has just been official 3 months but you dated for a while before that.

Christmas wise, 3 months into a relationship I spent boxing day with my last ex. Christmas was spent with our own families, separately. We only decided it about 2 days before, as plans can change.

He probably shouldn't be hanging around your kid this soon either so I probably wouldn't want him round on Christmas. At least not for long.

Step back and go with the flow. Keep space between him and your kid. Prioritise your family at Christmas.

Next year if you're still together you can think more about closeness during holiday season.

3 months is really soon to be expecting your lives to start to intertwine already.
If this is still ongoing 6 months in, then yes, time to call it a day.

I think you should be very mindful to not start planning your entire life around him.
Make your own plans with friends. Does he want to see you that day? Maybe he can join in, if not, then he'll have to wait for another time. Make your holiday plans with your family and your child. If he's interested, maybe he'll see which days you're available and work around your schedule.
There's no need to plan further ahead than the next date at this point. But that also doesn't mean you have to keep your entire schedule open for weeks on end so you can accommodate him when the time comes to plan something.
Live your life. If he's really into you, he'll find a way to fit into that life.

I personally wouldn't like "I love you" after three months - this is the easy breezy stage - good communications, lots of sex, spur of the minute plans rather than set in stone plans. Make your own plans with your own tribe and if his happen to coincide then great, if not then focus on your own fun for the time being. Also December is a mad time for so many people - I already have NO weekends free due to plans with other people, and the days of the week are looking much the same. I don't think his unwillingness to commit to Christmas plans are a sign he is backing off, he might just be more of a 'go with the flow' type of person.

Honestly commitment is a big word for 3 months in, we were exclusive and clearly we were both feeling it, but you don't know people at that stage! I'd suggest relax, see how it all goes.