I fear I have overreacted

[Flatmatewoes]

I have been living with my flatmate for 5 months. She sublets a room in the flat to me. I recently found out that I’m paying over half the rent for a far smaller room (it includes bills so fine) which I guess I agreed to at the time. She is very picky about me leaving the lights on (I have to switch the main corridor light off when I’m in my room and am only allowed the light on in my room at night). She has also told me off about stacking the dishwasher the wrong way and occasionally (maybe twice?) leaving clothes in the washing machine after the load finished. She is extremely petty about these things.

when I moved in we got on very well and she invited me on a trip abroad with her. However I noticed a stark change a couple of months later when she withdrew and basically gave me the silent treatment. She would blow hot and cold and although I asked her if anything was wrong and for an in person conversation, she would send angry texts but then maintain in person nothing was wrong. It’s pretty clear she wants to live alone and sees me as a necessary evil to subsidise her rent.

Cue another set of angry texts a couple days ago, I asked to hand in my notice and she said it was tiring living with me and that she wanted to live on her own. She wouldn’t budge on the three month notice period but continued ignoring me, only greeting me when I spoke to her and slamming doors around me.

things came to a head today when I asked for a chat to understand what was going on. Again she critiqued my use of the dishwasher and apparently the fact that once or twice I have taken work calls without closing my bedroom door. I lost my temper a bit and said she was incredibly difficult to live with and I found it ridiculous that I was paying over half the rent and having to live like this. She is here on a visa and I said that if I didn’t get my full deposit back when I moved out, I would call the police which wouldn’t be good for her visa. She replied that I was money obsessed and a horrible person and slammed the door in my face.

We agreed to shorten the notice period to one month and haven’t spoken since but I’m feeling pretty guilty for my part in proceedings. I’ve moved my communal items out of the common area as don’t feel like we should get the benefit of each others things over the next few weeks and it just feels like a Cold War! I’m keen to apologise but I have a feeling it will be thrown back in my face. Any advice on how to handle?

Honestly I would just move on, from your telling of it she has been incredibly difficult so there is some justification for you loosing it. Moving your things was a bit petty but doesn't matter.

There's nothing you can do to fix it so don't waste any energy on that, move out early if you can. Is she using a deposit scheme? If not I would use your deposit as your last month's rent if you can - if not then take photos of everything in good order before you go.
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That sounds absolutely awful. I would also recommend using your final month's rent in lieu of your deposit.

Hope you find somewhere better soon, OP

You could be describing one of my flatmates (married couple, it’s the wife who is stroppy). It was originally her idea that I took the second bedroom, and we used to go out for lunch and in the evenings. Then there were occasional passive aggressive texts (I’m now not allowed to unload the dishwasher in case I put something in the wrong place; I can’t have any cupboard space because they need it all, and I should use their crockery and cutlery rather than taking up space with my own; she accused me of being unhygienic because instead of doing a big, performative clean of the bathroom once a week, I clean it thoroughly daily as I use it - stuff like that) and this has now escalated to palpable hatred and a complete refusal to talk to me at all. She even accused me of poisoning their cat with a cleaning product I have never used. My daughter, who has done a lot of flatshares, says my flatmate is ‘batshit’. She may be right - she has fallen out badly with at least three previous flatmates.

What really annoys my flatmate is that I just shrug and say ‘ok, noted’, and it’s clear she’s spoiling for a fight. As a couple, they are actually a bit slobbish - they don’t clean their cat litter often enough, leave several days worth of cat food plates and dried bits of cat food on the floor, and leave clothes all over the sitting room. I have plenty of pictures as evidence, should I ever need it, but it’s easier to treat her like a stroppy teenager and just ignore her unpleasant behaviour. I was a teacher - I can handle stroppy teens :-)

I know that one reason they wanted me to share the flat was because it’s much better than one they could afford on their own. It doesn’t bother me - I keep myself to myself, I’m out quite a lot when she’s home, and if I’m home when she’s at work, I enjoy the luxury of using the really lovely sitting room and kitchen. When the lease runs out, I won’t be staying, though. I’d rather have a less smart flat and decent human beings to share it with.

If it were me, I would just keep my head down until the notice period is up and then leave and never look back.

Thank you all and I’m so sorry @LoserWinner how horrific! Didn’t know she had a twin 😭

Im in two minds about what to do because in anger today she shouted at me that I could stay until the end of the month (two months shorter than what was originally agreed). I then said fine and have texted to her to confirm this in writing. Obviously no reply! Shall I just press ahead with this plan to move out at the end of the month? I am waiting on my deposit but that’s it, have paid rent for this month.

Get out of there asap. This is no friend. What an absolute wretch

Sometimes we completely lose it when consistently treated badly and feel in a vulnerable and weaker position ( which you are as the sub tenant)

You'd be best cutting this one right off going forward!

I would leave when it suits you. What is she going to do about it?

Man, I am a fussy bitch about just about everything but no way could I be as petty as your flatmate.

Don’t apologise. She sounds like an absolute cow, and I’d be leaving at the end of the month.

Meh to be honest if your version of events is fair then it was a bit nuclear bringing the police and visas into it but she should have agreed to bring the notice forward to a month if the relationship had broken down and you were unhappy plus she'd said she wanted to live alone.

If say your discomfort if you're not an immigrant may come from knowing it was a bit shit using that as a trump card over someone who is (even if it would have come to nothing realistically). Bit of an imbalance but she was using a power imbalance in not letting you leave despite making it uncomfortable for you and saying she wanted to live alone.

The money is neither here not there, you accepted the advertised rate and weren't owed an exact split. I would just leave things as they are and leave as soon as you can. Ensure the place is spotless.

She sounds a bit odd inviting you abroad when she'd just met you (unless it was a 'you'll have to see wherever some day, you'd love the food' in passing type invitation)

Just to clear a few things up, yes it was shitty of me to play the Visa card but for weeks now someone who is several years younger than me has been trying to be lady of the manor. I have kept my temper and been reasonable, even friendly, but the power imbalance that she has driven became too much and this was the only leverage I felt I had.

every time I was kind to her, she used it against me it seemed. She locked herself out and asked me to let her in, then swanned past me on the phone like I was the hired help.

re going abroad, she said when I moved in that she had tickets to go away for the weekend but no-one to go with… silly me took the bait but thankfully didnt end up booking.

yes I’m going to leave the place completely spotless. Just so furious about the last few weeks and the unnecessary interactions. I had a friend over for dinner early on in the flat share and she came in and said how annoying it was to have to live in flat shares in London - should have realised at that point that she really did not want a flatmate!

Don’t feel guilty and do t apologise. Just get out of there at the end of the month. You have in writing that you agreed the month. If she doesn’t reply or contradict you then it’s a fair assumption that she agrees.

This. Can you find a 1 bed place somewhere for yourself? Living w ppl is so tricky.

Move on. Let her pay her own bills. She sounds awful.

Oh no I get that you were pushed to do something rather than stay with her for another quarter, just working through why it feels a bit yuck for you now. Hold firm though, you didn't actually call the police or anything and she was willing to keep you there.

London flatshares can be bonkers. One of mine had bedbugs as well as a weirdo giving me periodic lectures on body hair (he shaved his but didn't think women should do the same). Next one will be better. I'd go for a bigger mixed group rather than just one person subletting/ owning.