How do I approach this?

[Babynamedrama]

So my SIL and I seem to like the same baby names. For my first pregnancy I found out we were having a boy at 16 weeks and we already had a name picked so I was open about his name from then on. SIL was also pregnant at the time and didn’t know the gender and didn’t want to know until birth. About before I knew my baby was a boy and before she gave birth she told me what names they were thinking for a boy and a girl and the name we had picked for our baby wasn’t there so I thought happy days. However, whenever I said what we were calling the baby she got upset and said it was one of her names and I stole it. She ended up having a boy and obviously my son and hers have different names

there was a separate incident where she said she liked a certain girls name and I said ah I’ve always loved that name too. I think if she hadve had a girl she would’ve called her this name. I am now pregnant with a girl and plan to call my baby this name. After her falsely accusing me of stealing my son’s name from her I’m just wondering how to approach telling her? Do I tell her direct and make a point of telling her or just slip it into conversation without making a big deal of it?

You cant steal a name either way because nobody owns it ... its just first past the post - and the other has to suck it up and choose something different or choose the same name. Of course many people like the same names - thats because they are popular at that time!

In my family two baby girl cousins born within days of each other were named the same name and then two boys (a year apart) given the same name. Never been an issue.

Doesnt sound she is even pregnant yet or having a girl? Just call your child what you like.

She will sound unhinged if she starts crying about it. You dont owe her any explanation, soothing, advance warning. I suspect this isnt the first or last of ishoos with this one - detach a bit and so pace yourself for the long ride.

Congratulations. Enjoy.

Let your DH tell her and stay out of it…

Did they have the same surname? Our kids will have the same surname so it would be strange (in my opinion anyway) to have two of the same name. She’s a nice woman and all but she can take things so to heart sometimes when there is genuinely no intent against her if that makes sense

Yes the boys did - the girls didnt.

She sounds a bit 'sensitive' and 'precious' - I wouldn't tap dance around her - thats inadvertently enabling.

Is she even pregnant with a girl?

I remember an old friend of mine as a teenager getting cross because her boyfriends older married sister had chosen the girls name (very popular at the time) for her newborn that they had chosen for when they would have children.....of course their teenage daliance didnt last but I remember thinking they were delusional and highly inappropriate.

'Stealing' a name makes her sound about 5.

I wouldn't rise to it.

Don't tell her! It's none of her business.

Only caveat would be if it was name of her mother / grandmother etc

Just use the same name - I have a big family and we have several Johns, for example, and it has never been an issue.

In your post it’s not clear whether you actually told her first time round - you say “you were open about it.” You say in your post you are wondering if you should just slip it into conversation. Is it possible that although you weren’t trying to hide it, she didn’t get the message first time round about your intentions? Because either she’s totally batshit for getting upset because she knew all along last time or she got upset because she hadn’t actually clocked your plan for the name - that doesn’t make her reaction reasonable of course. So, I’d be telling her or getting your DH to tell her in a way that she can’t possibly miss. So direct is definitely the way to go.

I got something with his name on it after we found out he was a boy and sent a picture into the family groupchat and that upset her because she said she was going to use that name but a). She didn’t know if she was having a boy or girl b) she told me what names she was thinking of for boys and girls 2 weeks prior and the name I chose wasn’t one of the names she mentioned.

But then that would be the same name as your DH's DM or DGM who he has every right to honour.

Honestly this is classic controlling behaviour.....irrational waterworks or threat of 'upsetting' her keeps everyone walking on eggshells.

At this point you are thinking of changing / compromising a hugely significant life decision for some mythical baby (shes not even pregnant but even if she were) that may never happen because Miss Sensitive might kick off. Totally nuts - can you see how her threatned mood controlls your thoughts and actions?

Yeah she is very dramatic to be fair, oh I’m definitely calling my baby the name I want to, it’s more just what’s the best way approach it. Im going to be the bad guy no matter what in her eyes I suppose

it’s more just what’s the best way approach it.

Again - this is tip-toeing and responding to control. Inform her as you plan to for any other family member or friend ie after birth / beforehand / or in response to a Q.

Dont give her any special consideration as thats inadvertently enabling - and as you say you will be in the wrong whatever.

Do what you want and just expect the nonsense - dont engage with it - dont get drawn in or get in her way - stand well back and let others see her ridiculousness.

Enjoy your DD and protect your little family from their dramatic aunt .... all so tedious....dont let the rest of the family allow you to be the fall guy. Keep a healthy distance, put her on an information diet and never rise to anything.

I would just voice that you've a few names on the boil but really undecided and that you'll decide when baby is born.

So you called your son a name she’d never previously told you she liked, then claimed you’d ’stolen it’?! She’s was being ridiculous so no need to pander to it. Call your baby whatever you like and don’t enable her by putting in special measures to avoid upsetting her. Don’t worry about it, everyone will see she’s being daft.

Yeah that’s literally exactly it. To be fair my mother in law think she’s ridiculous 99% of the time anyway as do my other SILs but I just hate that she’ll put a dampener on it. At the same time I feel like I could say any girls name and she’d say it was hers