He wants to book a date for the wedding

[Caramelbear333]

Hi
I’ve never written into anywhere but I don’t know where else to turn… my fiancé and I have been together for 9 years and are so lucky to have wonderful 4 year old. The pregnancy was tough, delivery traumatic and through covid so not ideal but completely worth it.

our little one has been very poorly with chronic tonsillitis so had them removed and now is much healthier and happier.

long story short I work full time and am attempting to study full time too. I have long commute to work, and am the only one to get up in the night. I had a bit of break down few months back because I was so chronically stressed from it all. And whilst little ones dad looked after them at the weekend so I could study- I was actually made to feel incredibly guilty. My other half would say that he felt like a single parent. I tried to make sure I helped by keeping on top of laundry, cleaning and bills etc. Eventually I deferred my studies because he was still unhappy. He now wants me to return and promises he will help as I did when he studied. But I really don’t believe it. As I’m still the only one getting up at night.

despite this he wants to book a date for our wedding…

I have mentioned a several times over the years that I would like to go couples counselling before booking a wedding. I have attended therapy on my own as a result. So that we could talk things through.

im terrified we want different things.

I really want a sibling for my child. That is why I was studying so we could afford a bigger home and I could work part time closer to home.

but he seems set. He hasn’t updated his CV in years and apparently he looks for jobs but never applies. I want more for my life for my child too. Am I selfish? Are these normal dreams and ambitions?

thank you for reading xxx

It sounds like the relationship is over to be honest…. You aren’t sure about a wedding, but want another child with this man?

Doesnt sound like he’s on your team and you want different things, and he hasn’t gone to counselling but you have been alone? Honestly, I know working and studying and being a parent is hard but it shouldn’t be THIS hard to want to marry the right person (if they are the right person).

As an aside, how often is your four year old uo in the night? Or is this only while poorly? If it’s all the time I would work on that certainly before another pregnancy!

Quite honestly, I think you've taken on too much. Full time work and study with a little one is one hec of a lot for anyone. Even just working a job with a little one is blooming difficult. I'm not surprised it all got too much. Solo parenting is hard as well- my husband works away a lot- I really resent it sometimes.

BUT he should definitely be doing his share of the night wake ups or supporting you with it- assuming your child is not breastfeeding etc.

The crux of it is, getting married should be a time for joy and excitement (along lots of planning!) What stands out for me is that you don't seem excited at all about getting married. Do you want to marry him? And does he want a second child like you? If either question is a no, then think very carefully.

so you had a baby in covid's so that would be 2029/2021. your child is 3/4 years old. Why are you still getting up in the night?