Is this cheating

[Sunshineblonde222]

So I’m in a long term relationship with kids. Partner has treat me terribly including cheating on me and even back handing me last year. Looking at leaving after Christmas.

i have an ex (ex loosely as we were never together and just slept together like 4 times over 4 years and he’s the son of my mams friend). He messaged me when I first got with my partner and I shot him down like I was happy and settled. This year he messaged (7 years on) and I messaged him when I was drunk at the weekend. He asked if I liked him and I said I cared for him and want him to be happy which I do, I don’t hate him. I then went on a massive waffle on saying like 10 years ago I was in love with him and he didn’t care and he said I deserved better at the time as he was 10 years older and had 2 kids. He mentioned meeting up when he was home and part of me just wants to, he’s saying a catch up…. Not sure if he’s meaning anything more to it but for me I’d never like do anything as in kiss and so on, I’ve never cheated in my life. But then part of me thinks is meeting him up cheating yeah? Part of me just thinks why not because my partner never gave me the same curtesy but then that sounds childish and I’m more bothered about my kids. Sometimes I think I’ve wasted 8 years on someone that’s cheated on me, didn’t tell me, has hurt me over and over including this back hand and then has put me down for such a long time

Grow up

Hey! It sounds to me more that you are angry in the situation you are in. I wouldn't say this is cheating yet, but probably morally incorrect. I would say meeting this other guy is dabbling as you are meeting him knowing he will more than likely make a move. Personally, I would work out what you want. If you wanted to stay with the partner your with now, it's going to take some serious work and some real talking through as I feel you have a lot of pent up feelings about his cheating. But if you really do want to leave after Christmas, maybe leave meeting this guy until you've left your current partner. You will then always have a clean conscience and know you did your best for your family. Good luck xx* *

It's cheating. Communicate with your partner in regard to your relationship instead.

Try & have a grown up conversation with your partner. If he’s cheated before you know how wrong that is. Things will eventually blow up if you cheat and your kids will be the ones that suffer the fall out from the explosive family atmosphere. Be careful. Leave him first if that’s what you really want to do. Flattery from this other man shouldn’t break up a family home. It’s so easy to be sucked in when you’re getting attention but this is not just your life it’s your children’s. Go about it in a classy way and hold your head high.

Get out of your abusive relationship before thinking about another man.

This is the last thing you need right now and you know it. Otherwise you wouldn't ask.

Your ex is just fishing. If he treated you badly in the past then he’s absolutely not what you need right now.

Put your energy in to splitting up with your partner and helping your kids get through it. Not on another man. Maybe much further down the line when everything is settled, if you both feel the same you could reconnect. It's not the right time and you won't be doing it for the right reasons.

Don't have your head turned by your ex. Sort out your current relationship, either end it or mend it.

Leave your abusive relationship, get settled and heal. Then , when you're sober , happier and safe if you still want anything with this man , you can always message him.

Tbh, the odds of him wanting a relationship rather than just a shag are minimal. You deserve better than either of these men.

Are some people missing the bit where her current partner has backhanded her??

Focus on leaving your abusive relationship OP (do not try to 'work it out'). Your ex is just fishing. Don't jump from one man to another, just put your energy into leaving and making sure you and your kids are ok.

There's a 'thing' (can't remember the name right now)
Which is
Victim/perpetrator/rescuer

People can move from one role to another.
I can give examples.

But in your scenario, you are "victim", your partner is "perpetrator". You are looking to be rescued, and see this ex as your potential "rescuer".
If this plays out as you hope, your "rescuer" takes you away from you "perpetrator"
And you start again.

If you've judged it wrong, and jump out of the frying pan and into the fire, your "rescuer" becomes "perpetrator". You remain as victim.
And look for another "rescuer".

And the cycle repeats.

So why not try this...
Don't hope for rescue.
Be the master of your own destiny
Take control of your life, and be your own rescuer.
You don't need a man to do it for you. You can lead the way.
You can do this

A back hander is hitting you with the back of his hand, right? That needs more of a swing than a slap and lands harder , a definite choice to inflict more pain.

Forget about meeting up with anyone at all. Get a grip and get away from this man who has assaulted you.

Is you self esteem that low you will throw yourself at anyone who throws you a bone is what I would ask someone i knew doing this

Don't be a professional victim

Leave your current partner.

You need to focus on your DC and getting you all safely out of their, this really isn't the time to be pursing a new relationship.

"Sometimes I think I've wasted 8 years on someone that's cheated on me, didn't tell me, has hurt me over and over including this back hand and then has put me down for such a long time"

It wasn't a 'back hand'. Don't minimise it. He hit you.

This is the relationship you need to be thinking about right now, and how to get out of it. Please don't fall into the trap of being consoled by someone else, just because he happens to be nice to you. That way lies disaster. Please don't get into any kind of relationship with him, or anyone else, whilst you are still with your current partner. You need to leave him. Put all your energies into that.