If you are 1yr+ after discovery of the affair…

[MustyDooDah]

… where are you? Are you separated? Separating? Or together? Together AND happy?

I’ve posted here before https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5164150-affair-just-because-i-could-is-it-ever-that-simple?page=1 about his short affair which was more than 6 month ago now. I’m beginning to make peace with “why”; the thread was really helpful.

He is so invested in us, our counselling is continuing.

But I’ve recently been gripped by thoughts of leaving. I have put all future planning/significant spending on hold and I’ve made DH sit down to work out how much he would pay me to buy me out the house (there are no DCs living at home).

I can’t decide if I truly want to leave, or if I just want my pain/his obvious, daily anxiety to end.

I’m not letting myself act on a separation yet, as I feel it’s too soon to make a life changing decision.

The relationship is objectively good. Caring, similar interests, we get along well, some intimacy has returned. But I don’t love him like I used to. I still have barriers up. I still can’t be vulnerable with him.

How long did it take you to really know what you wanted to do? Did more time (year plus) really make a difference to how you felt? Any separation regrets? Am I right that it’s too soon to decide still?

I left him more than one year ago. I must say I mever regretted it and couldn’t be happier.

Leave. You deserve to fall in love and feel the excitement of flirting with a new man. Someone who respects you. Ladies, don’t keep men who cheat behind your back. K ow your worth.

@Christl78 was it hard at the time? Was it quite clear for you?

Not read everything but just leave. If someone cheated on you, it went on for a while they lied to you bottom line that isn’t love. It’s not respect and most who try to work through it don’t tend to work out or are miserable.

Im a year on from the relationship ending to begin with I thought it was the end for me it was brutal but I heard somewhere that your old life has to die before a new one starts. I worked on myself. And it’s two years on from the cheating itself and a year on from the break up and I would say I’m happier now then when I was in the relationship.

Ive also just met a really lovely guy which puts more things in perspective. The more time that goes on and healthier relationships you develop or witness in friends, will make you question why you even questioned staying when they’re are people out there that would love and cherish you.

We are coming up to 2 years of working on things. But my situation was very much not the same, in that my H left almost as soon as his affair started and I didn't discover there was an OW for several months, so we were in essence separated throughout. I have never had to worry about him having sex with me while also having sex with someone else. It was very clear, even before I found out there was an OW, that mine was deeply conflicted, knew he had made a massive mistake, but thought I would never forgive him and decided to try to make a go of it with her. I could look back to just before he left and pretty much pinpoint exactly when it started based on my knowledge of him. Our marriage was already in a deep crisis post pandemic and his decision to step out was a symptom rather than a cause. He didn't believe I wanted to fix things and had pretty much given up trying, whereas his leaving was actually the catalyst to us both getting individual counselling and digging into our underlying problems. We are actually now in a much stronger place than we had been for almost our entire marriage. There is still a way to go, but slowly, slowly, it begins to feel solid.

Having just looked at your other thread briefly, your H's excuse 'because I could' is dreadful. He needs to dig below the surface what led him to be that arrogant. What is missing in him (not you, or the marriage) to make him need that kind of validation? Unfortunately, I don't think many men are really that willing to do the self reflection to fully understand themselves. Has he gone to any solo counselling? He needs to do better than 'because I could'. You don't have to rush to make any decisions at this stage. Most of my reading on this says 2-5 years for full recovery. But that also seems to be the case for recovering if you divorce, so it isn't a straightforward choice.

But I don’t love him like I used to. I still have barriers up. I still can’t be vulnerable with him.

Sadly, I don't think this changes very often. If at all really. I've read many comments on here over the years from.women who've stayed and, even when it seems better than ever, this is one thing that seems to persist for most - the feeling that they don't love him like before.

I only know one couple who survived (a not even) an affair. He had his head turned and confessed to someone else that he was in love with her. Nothing ever happened between them. His wife guessed and challenged him. She left him for 6 months.

They eventually reconciled and they are better than ever but she says she wouldn't even have considered it if it had become physical. They had been together 30+ years.

I have always known I wouldn't stay for the exact reasons you describe and, when I discovered ex husband's affair, it wasn't even a choice to end it. I went into autopilot and ended it without any consideration. It was the right decision to make.

An affair turns your once closeset companion into nothing but an average Joe living beside you, any old bozo off the street could have more connection.

The not knowing is incredibly frustrating.

I’m rational enough to appreciate that if I leave, within 2-5 years I will have got over the separation. But the unknown is, if I stay, in 2-5 years will I be happier than ever, or still defensive?

I have always known I wouldn't stay for the exact reasons you describe and, when I discovered ex husband's affair, it wasn't even a choice to end it. I went into autopilot and ended it without any consideration. It was the right decision to make.

@GreyCarpet although I DID have a bag packed and in my car at one point, I did stay and I’d always expected of me, that if I discovered infidelity, I’d be open minded to forgiveness. I’d seen in friends that it isn’t black and white. I have been SURPRISED at the strength of my reaction to his cheating, particularly because I do believe it wasn’t emotional.

I’ve been separated for 18 months. I told him to move out a week after I found out about his infidelity and started divorce proceedings 6 weeks later. Divorce is nearly finalised, I’m in a new house with my 2 children, in a new loving relationship and I’m v happy. Being so decisive from day 1 was the right thing for me - my relationship had been dead in the water for about 7 years prior to me discovering the cheating and despite me putting up with emotional and sometimes physical abuse throughout my 20 year marriage the one red line I always had was infidelity. I had always been clear that that would be the end of our relationship. Bizarrely, he was still taken aback by my decisiveness. He never believed I would be strong enough to leave him.

Being open to forgiveness in theory and practising it in reality are very different though, aren't they? Sadly.

Yes. 100% clear and never regretted. I do not believe though that an affair is the actual reason to split. It’s the final nail in the coffin. There were many other things that didn’t go well in the way I was treated. The cheating just confirmed that I was right in my thinking.

I found out in Aug 2023. Still with him, and NOT happy. He is just cruising through the days pretending nothing happened, and when I bring it up or asks questions that is bothering me, he gets defensive and invalidates my feelings right away. I wish i had the finances and the balls to just leave.