I’m posting here because I’ve told this story around five friends and (half the story) my parents, but am now looking for a neutral opinion from people that are not naturally on my side because they’re friends & family.
I‘m a student an interned in one of my country’s most recognised firms. Two weeks in to the internship, there was a firm summer party. During the internship I had a „buddy“ that was supposed to take care of me and give tasks to me etc., however until the summer party I had only talked to him twice (first time: I was introduced, second time: I asked for work). This summer party was outside my hometown where I live together with my boyfriend of 4 years. I rarely drink, but if I do (3-4 times a year max.) I drink too much. If my bf is around (he never drinks), it is not an issue. If he’s not around, I usually don’t want to drink at all. At this summer party everyone got extremely drunk. People were literally smashing their glasses and one man (50+) threw up in the bus that took us to the venue. I did not have any drinks until an hour before the party venue closed. At that point I was like: don’t be like that, just enjoy yourself, these are the people you look up to careerwise and they do it too.
So, I drank and partied. At around 1 am we all (meaning around 100 people) had to leave the venue and went downtown. The boss of this crazy company wanted to party on and took circa 30 of us to a bar. We stayed there until 03:30am. Some people left because they were really drunk (they all started drinking around noon, I only started late in the evening). I was alright at that time but already drunk. When I drink, it’s very hard for me to stop and just go home. So when I saw my „buddy“/supervisior go to another bar with a group of girls he met in front of that other bar (meaning they were strangers), I asked to join. I noticed that he really wanted to party on and that somehow caught my interest. I was curious what he’s like and how the nights gonna go (but not in a romantic sense at all!). So, we went to a second bar close to my hotel. We stayed until 5am and partied with strangers and I once saw him hit on a girl (he literally picked her up and carried her through the bar, that was a bit much). My supervisior and I got along and I was trying to talk to him about work and studies. He didn’t really care, he was all about drinking. I bought a drink for myself but after that drink he started to buy drinks for me without really asking beforehand. He was just like: let’s get pissed. At this point everything felt like it was fun, however, I should’ve just left, because he was seemingly irresponsible. I joked about how it was not okay that he is partying with me. But, that’s 100% on me, I stayed even though I personally knew this was all wrong. This bar/club closed at 5am. We decided on going to a third location because we didn’t want to end the night. That was stupid (like all of this). And to me all this felt surreal. Because this guy was literally my supervisor in this „top tier“ firm. I need point out that never ever in my life I would go on such a party journey with a random guy or male friend. I did this, because I was amazed by this firm and the people working there. But I am not innocent: I am a very good looking woman and of course I wanted his attention for my looks and also my „fun personality“, that I was trying to show. When I told him that I found this not appropriate he was like: haha we‘re only buddies, this is platonic/normal socialising and nothing is going on.
At this third bar/club I was extremely drunk. He again got a drink but I definitely didn’t finish it because my body was just shutting down. We hung around there and danced. I cannot recall him dancing inappropriately with me, but of course, there is a slight chance this happened because I was so drunk. I only remember he once touched my belly in a weird way when I sat down. It made me uncomfortable and I think I moved away from him. Since we were both so drunk, there was not much conversation between us. But I am certain that I was way to nice to him, meaning that I flirted with him. Not because I was sexually attracted, but because I was excited and really wanted him to like and adore me. That’s wrong, I know.
Well, we left the last place when it was already light outside. He was like: I’ll take you to your hotel with a taxi. That was fine for me. Then he also said he wanted to come to me room to shower because he was meeting friends in the morning. He knew I had a boyfriend and therefore said he would not lay in bed with me but sleep on the floor for an hour. Again, at this point I should’ve screamed and told him to leave me. But I played it down and was like: whatever, nothing is going to happen. I love my boyfriend with all my heart and do not want to have sex with other man (that’s how it is). We had a coffee at the hotel bar. Because they were already open, I must have been around 7am or so. I can’t remember much of what the situation was like in the hotel lobby. I definitely didn’t finish this coffee because I was starting to fall asleep whilst sitting. I am terrified that he hugged or touched me whilst in the hotel lobby. I cannot remember if something like this happened. But in general I do have proper recollection of the night so I guess I must remember if something like this happened.
A couple minutes (or like half an hour?) later we went to my room and I felt very ashamed on the way there and was not excited at all. But still I was super drunk and not capable of telling him to leave. I only remember I had trouble opening the room with the key card because I was too drunk to find the lock. I guess he opened it then.
I straight went to bed and only took of my shoes. I took the blanked and covered myself and fell asleep in like 2 seconds. I turned by back to the bathroom. He showered in this bathroom. When he was done, I was awake and remember him getting a towel from the room whilst wearing boxer shorts. He put a shirt on and layed next to me next but I cannot remember him asking me if that’s okay. But I guess I consented by not asking him to leave or lay on the ground or whatever.
I wanted to sleep, he wanted to talk. He put on very very loud rap music for some reason and was walking around the room. When talking things got way too intimate for me. I get sick to my stomach now thinking about how he looked me into the eyes. He told me I look sad because I pouted my lips and also told me how amazing my eyes are. I asked him whether I should talke an PhD after uni and what he voted for (very weird, yes). I am telling you this because I want to show I was not trying to provoke a sexual situation. However, he said thinks like: all guys in the firm think you’re hot. Also he asked me if there’s something I don’t like about my bf. I responded that we are a happy couple and I love him, but we sometimes have dissenting opinions on politics. Not more. But of course it was wrong to say something that’s negative about my bf. This talking and looking in his face was the worse part for me. What I consider flirty and disgusting of me is, that I told him about my lip fillers and wanting to get more. Ugh. He also told me random stuff like that he went to a prostitute before. This was not dirty talk, but I have to admit this was a flirty and stupid conversation. Still, the goal of me was not to get him horny or anything, I was just so drunk and wanted to be desired and seem like it’s hard to resist me, while I stay untouchable. This was so dangerous. Yes, I was untouchable in a practical sense, but not untouchable over all because I let him into my private sphere.
Well, I slept again and was like dizzy/half asleep all the time. Then I suddenly feel his hand touching my (dressed) butt. I immediately got loud and told him to get his hands of me. I literally said: My butt but belongs to my bf, he’s the only person allowed to touch it. Leave me!
After this happened I went into drama mode and he slowly decided to leave. He didn’t leave right away, but stayed for a few more minutes. But I guess after I was being very clear for the first time in this night he realised there’s no chance of sleeping with me. I nearly cried and told him my relationship is destroyed now and that I have to break up when I’m home because I let this bad party night and the drinking happening. He briefly replied nothing at all happened between us and I should calm down. He also said he’ll tell his best friend at work about this because he’ll meet him for breakfast now. He finally left the room and I was still panicking, but decided to sleep to get the alcohol out of my system. I woke up and called my bf. I was hyperventilating and in panic and said it was a horrible night. He was like: did you cheat? I said: no. No kissing, no groping, no sex. This guy just really wanted to get me to do something and I only stopped him last minute. On the phone I did not tell him about the hotel room thing. I checked out at the reception after the phone call with him and traveled back to my hometown (9+ hours travel). I was trying to contact my bf constantly but he blocked me for calls etc, he only came home at 2am in the night. He told me he was so angry he didn’t want to see me. I sent him like 100 messages telling him we need to talk. Well, when he came home he told me he will break up with if I get drunk in such an environment again. Fair point, I understand that. Because he ignored me from 11am until 2am the next day I was very scared to tell him this whole story. He said he doesn’t care, he only wants to know if I cheated. I did not. My huge problem is know: if inappropriate behaviour (like what I let happen that night) is considered cheating is a question that’s up to one’s personal views. To me it was not cheating. I told him I flirted and acted like a slut (pretty sure this guy thought I’m really attracted to him bc I basically followed him habt night) but clearly drew the line when he touched my butt. The detail, that his attempt to touch me happened in the hotel room, I left out. I leave the hotel room part out because this could cause endless speculations on my boyfriend side. He told me like 20 times that he really trusts me that I didn’t cheat, but still, I think I put myself in such a dangerous situation, that he would be very very worried.
This happened almost 5 months ago. I am panicking since then and tried to tell my boyfriend everything except the part of him entering my room. My boyfriend said that he trust me and he loves me with all my heart, and he knows that this never happened before and will never happen again. And this is also how it is. This will never ever happen again and I will never put myself in such as situation especially in and work environment. It was my first time working in such a firm and I was insecure and overwhelmed all at once.
My big question is now: Am I just putting myself in the position of a victim, even though I am manipulative and simply a liar? What I can definitely say is this all did not happen because of any romantic feelings from my side. My only thought that night was: I want to party and I want to be admired but I don’t want to be touched or whatever. Of course I felt guilty and bad drinking and staying out on my own, but why is being super, super drunk the consequences were not clear to me. But this is how it is when alcohol is involved. The other question I have is: is it legitimate, that I didn’t tell him every detail of the night, only in order to protect our relationship and myself? Or again, is this just selfish? We are so in love and never doubted our love. I can imagine that he would forgive me for letting him into my hotel room since nothing happened in the end. But I know that this could also need to trust issues and him becoming so angry at me for keeping this for five months that we have to break up.
Just yesterday he told me he wants to become old with me and we are pretty certain that we will Marie pumped. This is the worst thing I have done in my life and I feel like is literally over.
This is so hard for you that I can barely work at the moment. In the next weeks I’ll see a psychologist and ask her about how to deal with lying about one part of the night of if I just let him everything and risks our relationship. Of course my boyfriend notices that I am in panic a lot of the time pumped he only said I should calm down and he doesn’t understand me being so upset, because for him it counts that I didn’t cheat.
All of my friends told me that this was a big fuck up, but it would only be a lesson to me. What is clear is that I will never touch alcohol again if I am on my own. If I am with him, I will either drink nothing or the amount that is socially appropriate at like a dinner or so. My friends all know him and me and they know how much we are in love they know we. They also know I did this from being insecure and stressed in the situation and not from wanting to hard I’m off all because I’m looking for other guys. I have never had an eye for other guys in my life before. By the way, I continue to internship for six weeks. There was no interaction with the supervisor after the incident and I didn’t even look him in the eye once. I was offered a job after the internship but I declined because I definitely do not want to send any signals that I’m interested in working with this guy again.
Again, I take 100% guilt on me for this. Alcohol is not an excuse. I should never have decided to go to a bar with him on my own pump. That was the point where I ultimately fucked up. I should’ve known that most guys are not interested in my personality or in the work, but only in getting me so drunk that we might make out or whatever. But to be honest, I never thought this could happen and I was convinced that this guy may draw a line but he clearly had no boundaries himself. What hurts me a lot is the fact that I can not be sure what happened in every detail because I was so drunk. For example I am very scared that this guy took photos of meanwhile I was passed out on the bed. Also, what if he touched me in one of the bars and I just simply can’t remember? I’m not sure about this, because I do have general recollection of the night, but I can’t be 100% sure because of the intoxication.
This is all over the place and a very long story. I am sorry. What are your thoughts on this? Am I a liar and a cheater (that’s how I feel) or is it possible to continue the relationship with what I told my boyfriend until now? Ultimately, I will see what my psychologist says and then talk to my boyfriend again probably.