desperate for a baby, separated and 43, really need advice

[confusedmamma]

This is long and complicated but I'll start with the abridged version. I am separated from my husband of 11 years. Definitely the end, but we are both desperate for another child. We have 1 DS who is 6. We are considering trying to conceive another one, although we know we won't be together. He is a good dad, but a crap husband. He doesn't want a child with someone else and we both want our Ds to have a sibling. Is this bonkers? Has anyone got any experience of this?
I am worried about my age 43, not meeting a nice bloke in the future because I have 2. I am not worried about having a baby alone, because I practically was with DS anyway. Opinions please !!!

not bonkers to me.

I had my DD on my own and if I had had a proven good dad on hand with whom I had a reasonably civil relationship, that would have been ideal (I mean ideal in a not ideal world, iykwim).

If you want the brutal truth I would say a) it's pretty impossible to meet a decent man in the time you've got and b) you really don't have much time so c) if you and your husband think you can do it civilly, I think it's your best option.

I would go for it, I have a friend who had a baby at 44.5.

i agree with margoandjerry

good luck

If you've got the chance, do it. I am not with dd's dad and he doesn't want another one, but if he did I'd get knocked up straight away even though we weren't otherwise together. I also would like dd to have a sibling and that would be the main reason, not just about my ticking biological clock. I guess though you have to know that you are able to do it on your own, but sounds like you do.

Good luck!

yupp...

agree with margo et all

Good luck!!

If you can work out a sensible way to manage it, then I say go for it.

You only get one chance at life (I think )

Just a note of caution - before you go ahead, think about it from the child's PoV.

Thank you all so much for your advice. I've had mixed opinions from friends, but my sister is dead against it. But for me it seems she can't understand she's got 2 DC s and had no understanding of ho I feel.

Well it's not your sister who would be having it! What are her reasons?

I wouldn't automatically say to anyone have a child out of a relationship, especially people who don't already have a child, as I don't think you can have any idea of what it's going to be like until you do it. However, you already have a child and IMO it's good to have siblings, and your husband is still going to be around and involved.

Is it likely your sister will come round?

My fried did this. Her mother had divorced and remarried lots of times and it meant alot to her that she had grown up with a borther she shared the same Mum and Dad and was alwyas with her on visits etc. When she split from her DD's dad she was really sad that her DD didn't have a full sibling to go through life with. She also felt her ex was a great dad and together they made great babies. As a result they agreed to try for a second while separated. It worked for them and I could see the logic. Good luck to you.

Thanks for that artichokes. That makes me feel a lot better. I've always read mumsnet, but never posted before, it's great to have opininons of people who aren't emotionally involved.
Here comes round 2 of the problem. My ex and I had talked this over and decided to go for it. I've been having second thoughts since which is why I've asked for adviceThe right time was last weekend. I have never had such a disastrous sexual experience in my life. Sex had been a problem for us for many years, so this time I decided that for once I was going to be a bit more vocal on my wants and desires. He always blamed me for being frigid, it was all my fault, I was fat etc. So this time, seeing as we hadn't done it for ages I thought I'd try and change things. Although we were sleeping together just to conceive I thought it would be nice it it was pleasurable as well. It ended in a massive arguement, him storming off and a real scene. How can you tell a man what you want without him getting the hump so badly?

I would go for it. You will never regret having another child.

Ok, so the circumstances aren't ideal - they're often not! No one can predict the future and often couples split up later on down the line. I was going to say that it is no different, but actually it is - its better and easier because 'feelings' are already sorted and so less chance for children to be upset by it.

There are ways other than intercourse if you don't want to have sex. Or would you not consider that to be an option?

Re your sister, I take it she is in a relationship with DCs' father?

In my situation I find that people with nuclear families have absolutely no idea that having a child on your own can be fine. They find the prospect terrifying.

My life is honestly fine - I have no complaints. I think if you are used to being in a relationship and depending on it, the thought of doing without it is terrifying but if you are used to coping on your own, as you are, it's not such a big deal. So perhaps your sister is coming from that perspective?

No advice on part 2 of the post. From a very cursory understanding, it sounds as if he's a bit of an idiot if he's calling you fat...Not very helpful but if he's an idiot in that way, it might be difficult to get him to understand (because he's an idiot!). Hopefully someone else can advise more positively....

I'd say- think about the child you are potentially bringing into the world, rather than your own feelings on this. Your husband doesn't sound like a very nice person to be calling you fat and storming off in the middle of sex. Is he really such a 'great dad'?

Be grateful for what you have got. Fair enough parents split and kiddie stays with one parent but I don't see how it's fair on the child to be brought into this existing separation.

Who knows what will happen in the future for you.

I would seriously consider some counselling before tou try for baby again.

No offense but some women have a desire to have a baby when they feel it may be last chance to prove they are still young in some way.

Yes, the problem with sex was a major one throughout our marriage. That's a whole different posting though and my oh my do I have some opinions on that now we've separated. Thank you margoandjerry I think you've got it spot on, my sister has never ever been on her own, whereas I have. She split up with her previous partner and was single for exactly one week before she met her present husband.
I just hadn't thought of it that way. I've been on my own for almost 18 months and before that he was never really around that much. He is a good dad, he loves our son, but is a complete workaholic, but he's quite generous with it, so I can't complain. I have supportive friends and I think I could afford an au pair which is more help than I had last time. Thanks for your advice. I'll post the whole sex thing seperately !!