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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Will I ever have a decent sex life?

3 replies

AlwaysRight1985 · 04/12/2024 09:57

Apologies for the long post...

Almost 39 years old, premature menopause, severe endometriosis and awaiting a hysterectomy (despite me begging they won't let me have HRT before the op so I'm literally rattling with the amount of supplements I'm taking).

Bit of background: I'm late diagnosed ND, had a vulnerable childhood and used to be an extreme people pleaser. Because of that I've slept with a lot more people than I wish I had, but can't say I ever particularly enjoyed it (or was sober even). Three serious relationships a) childhood sweetheart, sex was fine but nothing really to compare it to at that point b) violent abusive psychopath who wouldn't take no for an answer, even if tears and pain were involved c) cheated on me repeatedly because of my endo, despite me never saying no to him he couldn't understand why some positions were sometimes painful (or why he couldn't have anal sex every single time).

Had a brief fling last year where I felt that I finally enjoyed having sex and was a bit 'saucy' or whatever I can call it. Since then the menopause symptoms have kicked in and I'm really not feeling any drive whatsoever.

But here's the thing - I've actually met someone I like and would like to start dating him. We've been flirty but I've also been honest about things and especially my upcoming operation (in my eyes I don't know why anyone would get involved only to play nursemaid, and he said he's not 100% sure what it will mean so I'm hesitant anyway). But I don't know if I should just forget it given I think my chance for a fulfilling sex life has failed.

Any advice/ideas/things that would help would be greatly appreciated. I don't really have anyone in real life I can talk to about this.

OP posts:
username299 · 04/12/2024 10:15

OP I'm really sorry to hear about the trauma you've experienced and encourage you to hit pause.

You might find some specialised counselling helpful regarding your past relationships. The Survivors Trust has a good helpline and they can recommend counsellors. You could also try BACP.

I'd also recommend working on yourself for a while before entering into another relationship. Perhaps build up your self esteem and work on your boundaries.

You might find the Freedom Programme helpful in order to learn about healthy relationships.

AlwaysRight1985 · 04/12/2024 10:54

username299 · 04/12/2024 10:15

OP I'm really sorry to hear about the trauma you've experienced and encourage you to hit pause.

You might find some specialised counselling helpful regarding your past relationships. The Survivors Trust has a good helpline and they can recommend counsellors. You could also try BACP.

I'd also recommend working on yourself for a while before entering into another relationship. Perhaps build up your self esteem and work on your boundaries.

You might find the Freedom Programme helpful in order to learn about healthy relationships.

Thank you. I have done the Freedom Programme and have done specialist therapy for rape survivors earlier this year. I've been single for 3.5 years now and would really like to meet someone, I just feel sorry for whoever that person might be.

OP posts:
username299 · 04/12/2024 11:23

AlwaysRight1985 · 04/12/2024 10:54

Thank you. I have done the Freedom Programme and have done specialist therapy for rape survivors earlier this year. I've been single for 3.5 years now and would really like to meet someone, I just feel sorry for whoever that person might be.

If you've done the work and feel ready for a relationship then my advice is to take it slowly. I hope it works out for you.

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