I need some advice please. I’m 30, I’ve been in an 8 year relationship with my partner and we have 2 young kids together. Relationship has had a lot of ups and downs. When we first got together he would talk to me terribly so I clearly knew he had no respect for his mum. He would make comments that made me feel awful like when I had brown hair he once said ‘I had a wank over a blonde girl today, bet you wanna dye your hair blonde now’ and then like when we were on holiday and pregnant with our first, I smile closed mouthed and he said I smile like a mong so it’s all I think of with that photo. Before I got pregnant he cheated on me with my ex and wasn’t even going to tell me, she did. Obviously took a massive toll on my mental health and I was a doormat, don’t know why I never left. Issues over the years of him doing things I don’t like. At one point like a different time exes instagram post and he wasn’t even following her so I said it was strange… then because our children were in class together they ended up chatting again and I seen because I went on his instagram and she was confiding in him about being down and suicidal and he never said anything wrong until he told her he cheated on me which wasn’t her business and then at the said add me on Snapchat which obviously kicked me off and undone any work I did attempting to trust him. I don’t believe anything happened but I also think he did it to be sneaky talking to her even if it was about the kids.
Like I just think if we didn’t have the kids we wouldn’t be together as I just think he’s hurt me so badly in the past like I cannot give all myself to him emotionally anymore and I somewhat feel switched off and dead inside. I love him and I don’t understand why I don’t just walk away. I don’t know if it’s because technically nothing significant has happened and I can’t just say I’m unhappy. I just often think about men that maybe wouldn’t have ever or would never do anything. Last year we had an argument and he back handed me but not too hard because I smacked him on the arm for upsetting our son.
I just feel lost and dead inside for such a long time and a doormat for putting up with any of it. Then now I feel like I can’t leave because things are settled. An old friend (someone I slept with a hand full of times and family friend) asked to meet up after 7 years and I just wanted to meet up and catch up but felt I couldn’t because like I’m cheating. Part of me thought why not if nothing would happen and it’s not like my partner has ever gave me that consideration but felt I was more hurting the kids more than anything and being a bad mum