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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Family member in hospital, we don't get on, what should I do?

20 replies

HonorMatopoeia · 29/04/2008 19:19

This could be a horribly long story but I'll try to summarise.
Dh's brother and his wife have severed all contact with us for, what we consider to be, really saft reasons.
It is kind of based around religion, they are in a very strange 'church' (we think it is basically a cult - as do many others - for many reasons). They have ex-communicated us as we said we did not want to attend their church.
They have a long history of cutting off contact and then reconciling.
I decided after Dd1 got old enough to recognise certain people were in her life and then disappearing, that we could no longer be a part of this as she was very confused by it all.
As a result we have not spoken for 2 years and they have never even seen Dd2.
Other members of the family do speak to them and see them.

Dh's mother rang yesterday and BIL's wife has been hospitalised with meningitus. She is out of intensive care and seems to be getting better but apparently it was a close thing.
Now, what do I do? Should I get in contact or ignore it all? I hate having any type of 'family feud' as I am so very close to all my family. However, I'm not prepared for them to waltz in and out of my Dc's lives as they see fit (I should explain that they are very full on when in touch, which just makes the times they are not speaking to us even more silent, iyswim).

Any advice would be gratefully welcomed as I'm beating myself up over this one

OP posts:
windygalestoday · 29/04/2008 19:22

shes ill if there is any moment to 'reconcile' or show you care this is it - what happens after is upto you but lifes too short sometimes to weigh everything up at least she will know you were there when it mattered.

SquonkTheBeerGuru · 29/04/2008 19:23

you could send a card - let her know you are thinking of her, but (hopefully) send the message that you don't particularly want to see them.

kd73 · 29/04/2008 19:25

I would send a card, unless of course you really don't give a damn - and your post kind of suggests that you do!

Swedes · 29/04/2008 19:26

If you don't want them waltzing in and out of your life as they see fit perhaps you should set an example by not waltzing in and out of their lives as you see fit. They ex-communicated you.

HonorMatopoeia · 29/04/2008 19:27

Kd73 - that's just it, I almost wish I was abit harder hearted as it would be easier!
A card sounds good, any ideas how I could word it? I get all fuddled around these people, they get me second guessing my own thoughts.
What if they offer to see us again?

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mumofdjandbabies · 29/04/2008 19:28

Hmm tricky one i would send nice flowers and a card. Also what type of church are they being nosey.

Swedes · 29/04/2008 19:29

Just because I/we don't care for your church doesn't mean we don't care about you.
Glad to hear you are on the mend.
Thinking of you and wishing you well.

cosima · 29/04/2008 19:29

What do you want to do? Just be open and honest, don't think too much

HonorMatopoeia · 29/04/2008 19:33

mumofj - I'm not sure anymore, it used to be AOG but they got thrown out for their wayward views.
Flowers would be a nice touch, will get onto it.
Cosima, I wish it had never happened at all to be truthful, they were fine when they weren't trying to convert us.

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mumofdjandbabies · 29/04/2008 19:59

I would def send flowers and the wee card and sadly keep your distance. It doesn sound like they dont know how to be pushy.

collision · 29/04/2008 20:01

I would send flowers saying 'thinking of you and wishing you a speedy recovery' and leave it at that.

HonorMatopoeia · 29/04/2008 20:04

Thank you ladies, flowers and a card it is.
Have spoken to Dh about this and even he agrees, he took it very badly when they cut communication.
Wish me luck!

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kd73 · 29/04/2008 21:31

Good luck - I like Collisions message

mumofdjandbabies · 29/04/2008 22:45

Hope all goes well. Let us know how you get on. I have a similar set up in my family and its very upsetting so i do empathise. Big time.

paros · 29/04/2008 22:55

what about charging extra so you and the kids can go there for a holiday .

nametaken · 29/04/2008 23:00

eh?

paros · 29/04/2008 23:20

As in you can see DH at night and if you all went a week early you could enjoy a holiday in China first .

paros · 29/04/2008 23:41

so sorry wrong thread . Send flowers . LOL

littlewoman · 30/04/2008 00:06

Lol Paros. I thought I'd entered a parallel universe for a minute there

Yes, flowers. Good plan. Well done MNers.

HonorMatopoeia · 30/04/2008 12:14

PMSL paros that has cheered me up! Was wondering where China came into it!!

Card is being sent today, can't send flowers till she gets out of hospital as they no longer allow flowers on the wards.
Apparently she's been quarantined (sp?) now so don't know how long she will be in for. Hopefully the card will let her know we're thiking of her and don't hold a grudge.

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