I wish I had never found out!

[Miababe]

I was listening to a famous celebrity talking about their school days and it reminded me of my ex who used to attend the same school. Curiosity got the better of me and I googled the school and past pupils in the school. When I put his name in the Memorandum page appeared and it said his name and the date he left the school and that he had died in 2015. I was very shocked as he would have only been about 52.

I have emailed the past pupil administrator with some details to make sure that it is him and am awaiting a reply. To make matters worse I saw that his best friend had also died in the same year but I was able to look him up as he was a famous photographer (sports) and he died of a heart attack so the 2 aren't connected I guess.
Its over 30 years since we dated and but I feel shocked and very upset by these findings. I had imagined him in the world somewhere with a family maybe and often think about him. My husband thinks it strange to be upset about this and weird to look into it further but I can't stop thinking about him.

Ex

Astrabees - sorry to hear you have experienced this as well. I think it is as you say that you can't imagine they are not in the world anymore and with you doing things that you both enjoyed brings that home to you more. Over the years little things and comedies, sayings and places have reminded me of my ex and you build a picture of them in your mind of them somewhere in the world.

Not me, but my mum experienced something similar when she saw a funeral notice for an old boyfriend in the local paper. She was quite upset and contacted his sister, who visited, and they had a long chat about him, which made her feel somewhat better. Would it help you to reminisce with someone else who cared for him?

MujeresLibres - It's over 30 years ago and I have lost contact/moved etc. I have a friend from my 20s who knew him but unfortunately she never really took to him as it meant she had less time with me to go clubbing etc when we dated. she would remember some socialising with him and I will speak to her. Thank you

Has happened a lot to me as I've got older, I've had at least 8 people die from my past including someone who was my best friend at university

I'd lost contact with them all at different times but it always comes as a shock and I mourn them for a few days afterwards

Something similar happened to me - I also found out after several years and felt, I don't know, rattled. I made a ceremony for myself by the beach, threw a trinket he had given me into the sea and said my farewells, and somehow, although I'm not a spiritual person, it gave me a sense of closure. Between me and myself.

MaMaMalenka - I'm sorry you experienced this as well, its not pleasant at all. Your little ceremony is a good idea and I will do similar and hopefully it will give me the closure as well. x

I think it's the shock of knowing someone your age has died. Out of our class of 32 two died before age 60, and one just after. I console myself with being younger ( late birthday)

I can absolutely imagine your shock and upset especially as you dated.

40 years ago my best friend was dating a guy for a year and his best friend and I hung out a lot.
He was nice, fun, not my type but a laugh.

I ran into him briefly a couple of times in the intervening period.

He married, children in their 20's and committed suicide in the past year.
I was absolutely stunned.
His family and friends are stunned.
Just awful.

It could be 10 years since we last met, but I felt very sad for him and his heartbroken family.

Ariela - I think you are right it is shocking and my ex was certainly not the only one of a relatively young age who had attended the school and died before 60. I am younger so will console myself as well x

OP I understand

My mum lived in Italy for eight years in her twenties. During that time she was with the same Italian man and they were very much in love. He proposed to her, but for reasons I've never been completely clear on (but it was something to do with misogyny in 60s Italy and his mum's apron strings!) she decided - after much soul seeking, to decline and she returned to the UK. Heartbroken but pretty sure she'd made the right call.

In time, she met my dad, fell in love, married - lived a whole life with him. Her Italian ex was not a secret and she sometimes referred to him and thought fondly of him. She often travelled back to the city she lived in (with my dad) as she loved it so much - twice a year on average. There were a few occasions over the years where she saw someone and was pretty sure it was one of his friends from back in the day but she never approached or spoke to them.

Many years later, her best girlfriend from her time in Italy tracked her down and she discovered that her ex had died a year after she left Italy in a motorbike accident. The shock of it gave her a small stroke and was, I am sure, the beggining of her decline into dementia. Not because she was still madly in love with him but because she had - over the years - imagined the life he would have led: Italian wife, lots of children. climbing the ladder (he was quite prominent in the communist party) and it was as though it had all been wiped out in a heartbeat.

Anyway - that's a very long story to say that I understand.

SlightlyJaded - Your poor Mum it was such a shock to her. I wonder if there was some guilt there (although it was not her fault at all) that she wasn't with him and if she had been would it have happened...... The shock as you say from the fact it was all wiped out. So sad and what a devastating accident.
My ex was a really nice guy and we met when I was only 21. I was a nurse and had a breakdown and became very anxious about leaving the house etc. It put an enormous stain on our relationship and I don't think either of us were mature enough to resolve it. So we never fell out it just couldn't continue. He did contact me to find out if I was ok some time later. We dated for over 3 years.

This, a few first thoughts when you found out yes seems norma, the contacting the school bit is not

Leave it now and move on

SemperIdem - I doubt I will even get a answer from the school to be honest. I was checking it because I googled that only 2% so 2/1000 males die in their early 50s so for my ex and his best friend to pass at 52 in the same year from different things is somewhat incredible. I will probably never know

2 in 100, not 2 in 1000

Your husband is right.

It will be a very expensive school I guess.

It's not strange. The leaving class that I belong to (single sex boys' grammar school) has a higher death rate than any other class since the Second World War.

Both of my best school mates died young. One at 30, the other at 59.

It's just one of those things.