Son wants to call boyfriend dad.

[MummyRl91]

Bio dad is not in the picture, never met our son. I've been alone 7 years just us two and stared a relationship one month ago. Last night out of nowhere son asked if he can call new partner dad! Partner and I are on same page about it being WAY too early. We managed to distract and change the subject but I need help on how to sit down and word the chat with my son. Also some possible names he could call my partner like uncle but not uncle? All help appreciated. Thanks. X

It's clear that your son has a very deep longing for a father figure in his life. But I agree, this is way too soon, and maybe the timing will never be right. Just because someone is your partner, doesn't mean they want to be your sons father.

But, how does your 7-year old son know your partner of only 1 month?
Did you introduce a partner you've only been with for 1 month to your child? If that's the case, no wonder your son is confused.
Your son will not know healthy boundaries and timelines unless you respect them yourself, so you can teach them to him. Bringing new relationships to your son, especially since he doesn't have a father figure and is looking for a male attachment figure, is quite selfish and doesn't take into account what's best for your son.

My advice would be to slow down. Slow down how intensely you're diving into this new relationship, so you can help your son slow down.
A conversation about this should be between you and your son, not you, your boyfriend and your son. Your boyfriend is not a parental figure and has no business parenting your child. Otherwise you're sending mixed messages.
So you sit your son down and you explain that getting to know someone and deciding whether you want this person to be an important part of your life takes time, a lot of time. And that right now is no time to be making decisions. Just like you can't decide whether this boyfriend is going to be a permanent part of your life, your son shouldn't rush to make this a permanent thing either.
Calling someone dad shouldn't be taken lightly. It's an important name that holds a lot of value, and it shouldn't be given. It should be earned. Tell your son that someone needs to earn that place in his life by consistently showing up for him, day in and day our, year in and year out, before someone can earn such a special place in his life.

I would advise against making your boyfriend a very active person in your sons life for at least another year. First figure out whether this relationship has any standing, then try to see what role your boyfriend will be taking up in your sons life. Not the other way around.

Why are you introducing a boyfriend to your son after a month?
He’s only 7 and you are confusing him. He sounds like he wants a male role model and thought this man was it.
Heartbreaking for him and a massive red flag to the new boyfriend

It’s a bit soon really…maybe slow things down on the contact with the new boyfriend. Get yourselves established first…

Nope, you need to put some distance between son and bf for both their sakes. Get DS enrolled in some groups with good male role models as he clearly craves that male bond

You are going to get a flaming for introducing a BF of 1 month to your vulnerable DS. It's a clear message from him that he'd want your BF to stick around forever. Sadly, most older adult relationships tend to fall by the wayside at some point, and it looks like he'd be devastated by that. Exactly why any mother should prevent emotional attachment to a BF for as long as possible.

You should not have introduced them so soon. You barely even know this man!

It’s way too soon to have him call your bf anything other than mums friend Dave! Have a chat with your son, he’s clearly vulnerable.

Woah, hold your horses! You've been together one month and your son has met him? Did I misread that? I sincerely hope I did!

Where on earth has he got the notion that that this man could be a paternal figure?!

He should call him by his name. Doesn't need any silly title.

Goodness, why has your son met this man, so soon into your relationship?

Anyway, can't he just call him by his first name, now that that ship has sailed?

You should never introduce your son to a new boyfriend until you're sure the relationship is a keeper. Otherwise, you are being cruel, not to mention confusing, to your son.

Well no, he can’t call him uncle. Because he’s not his uncle. This is a problem entirely of your own creation - there’s no way your poor son should have met this man yet. I would have huge reservations about any man who was willing to meet your child after such a short space of time. He is clearly interested in a convenient shag more than he’s interested in slowly building a meaningful relationship.

This is all very sad for your son.

If mistake to introduce a man after only one month of dating and the lad wanting to call him dad so soon is quite troubling.

Big mistake ^

I wonder if the poor lad thinks it's possible that the bf is actually his real dad. I was brought up without knowing/ discussing my father. As a small child, I often fantasised that certain men might have been him.

Apologies, should have said son has known this person a long while before anything between us happened. So they have that bond type of thing of our kids playing and going on days out, meeting up doing clubs together. They are both comfortable with each other and for a long time have been. In total agreement that if it was an unknown male to any one they would not have met any time soon.

So how is he aware that this isn't just a continuation of the existing platonic relationship? You could have just kept it like in front of the children?

Makes absolutely no difference.

Your kid calls him by his name ...

So how does your son now know things have changed to be considering calling his friend parent ‘dad’?

It’s much much much too soon

No you don't let your kids call your boyfriends "dad".

His dad is his dad and your boyfriends are their names!

Your son shouldn't be aware of the change in relationship dynamics between you two, not after a month.
This should have been between the two adults to figure out, long before including the children.

But now you have to deal with things the way they are. And what you know is this: your son craves male role models, and longs for a father figure. Can anyone who is reliable and consistent in your sons life take up the role of male attachment figure? A grandfather, uncle, older cousin? Someone who won't disappear from his life when your relationship with them changes.

My children call my stepfather granddad. Why? Because I have a relationship with my stepfather, which does not depend on him being married to my mum. He is a consistently present figure in my and my childrens life, and would continue to be so even after a hypothetical break-up with my mum.
Giving someone a role in your childs life, when the only reason they are present in your childs life is because of their relationship with you, is ridiculous and selfish. There should be no labels whatsoever for people who may not be there forever.
So ask yourself: if you and this boyfriend break up (imagine a nasty break-up even), would you allow this person to maintain contact with your child? Have visitation, every other week-end or so? Show up to parent-teacher-conferences? Be an emergency contact?
Would you expect this person to take on that role? To take initiative to be a consistent part of your childs life?

If the answer is no, then his name is "Dave" and that's it. Forever.

Your dc shouldn't even know about the change from friendship to relationship at 4 months never mind 1 month. I was a single parent from when my ds was 2, I dated but kept it separate to ds. When I met the man I eventually married we were together at least 6 months before ds was informed (he was 9 by then), my dh and I were friends first and until we were confident we were going to last that's as much as ds knew. We were together in front of ds for about a year when we were bringing ds and a friend for a day out and ds piped up from the backseat 'are we nearly there Dad?' I think if I'd been driving I'd have ran into the car in front of us with the shock but dh just answered him casually and from then on ds called him Dad but only when he had friends around, when it was just us he used his name. I was fortunate that my ds had very strong male figures (my father, brothers and friends) in his life but he still wanted the normality of calling someone Dad. I'd suggest less couple like behaviour in front of your ds, maybe even less contact for the moment and a gentle explanation to ds that it'd be better if he just used your boyfriends name, remember if the relationship doesn't work out this man will most likely not be in your lives so you need to do whatever necessary to reduce the chance of hurting your ds.

How odd you didn’t mention any of that to begin with.

It’s immaterial whether he’s known him for a long time .Until you have been a couple for a while and are on a very solid footing you don’t tell your child .

Just gently tell him no, this is a friend of yours, not his dad any more than his friends are your son or daughter.

You could explain to him that a step dad is what he could possibly call him way further into your relationship when you are either living together or married after a long time of getting to know eachother better.

It's a hard one to explain because you've introduced them way too early (as your partner - not in general) and so now your son is thinking that a man you are seeing is now his dad, because he doesn't know any better - he just sees a 'dad' is the man in a family who loves the mum.

He just doesn't understand that mum has to know her boyfriend for a longer time before he can be a father figure to him (he may have also heard your boyfriends kid calling him dad) and that's why men shouldn't be introduced too quickly to children as they don't understand these things.

Also he's not your child's uncle so please don't add to the confusion you have both already caused this kid, not dad and not uncle. Just whatever his actual name is. But I recommend stopping the play dates etc until you are both seeing eachother much longer.

I think the op gets it!

I think the best advice you’ve been given is that your son needs positive, male role models around him.

Also no special names, just call him by his name.