Partner wants a split

[Jamie900]

Hi there

I'm after some advice on my situation. I've been with my partner for 12 years, living together for 11 of those years but not married. Three weeks ago she said that she wasn't happy and wanted to end the relationship. I was devastated and still am because I still love her very much. I'm kind of resigned to the situation now though.

My partner came into the relationship with debt issues so the properties we've had have always been in my name. I've paid the majority of the bills over the years but my partner has contributed to monthly expenses. We've decided to sell our current house and split the equity 60/40 in my favour. We're both happy (?) at this arrangement.

The main issue atm is that it's now been 3 weeks and despite me offering half of the equity up front (until the house sells) my partner doesn't seem to be that interested in moving out. We currently sleep in separate bedrooms. There are rental properties available but she's ruled these out and hasn't given me any suggestion for a solution. Moving in with family isn't an option. Things between us are fine currently. We haven't had a cross word in the three weeks. There are no third parties currently involved however I've asked that if she can wait to start a new relationship until she moves out as just the thought of her being in another relationship while living in the same house would kill me. Understandably, she's now started going out with friends a bit more so I don't think it'll be long until she finds somebody new. It was my partner who decided she wanted to split so I'm a bit frustrated that she seems quite happy to stay in the house and move on with her life whereas I think she should be looking to move out and give us both a chance to move on.

If anyone has any advice on the financial arrangement or current living arrangements if you can make sense of my ramblings?

Thanks, Jamie

Maybe she doesn’t trust that if she moves out you will keep to the agreement and actually sell?

It’s incredibly difficult living together while separated. I did it for about 12 months and it tanked my mental health. However, we had DC and it took a while to find accommodation that worked for everyone (ours was also a relatively amicable split). You don’t mention children so I’m assuming this isn’t part of the issue? If so, I think your ex is taking the piss a bit. I’d give her a deadline and tell her that for both your sakes the healthiest thing is to move out and move on.

Wow, you've got your head around it all very quickly, well done.

i don't understand why, when she's come into it with debt & you've paid all the bills (including the mortgage I assume) you're splitting it 60/40 nor why you're offering her equity now when it hasn't sold or if you're not selling how you've agreed on a value when houses might not sell at valuation??

still that wasn't your question.

im surprised you think she'll be in a new relationship so quickly after 12 years together??

were things not good? Did you have any idea she might do this?

she isn't being very nice. If she wants to 'move on' she needs to move out! Has she said why she isn't??

Has she said why she isn't moving out?

Would you be in a position to do something along the lines of put the deposit on a place for her and ( x ) amount of rent in advance ( equal to whatever you plan on giving her ? )
Any children involved ?

Very odd my ex wouldn't leave and all I wanted to do was be away from him and regain my independence, are you sure she is certain it is over ?

If this was a mam leaving in the same circumstances we would usually assume he is testing waters with ow

Hi

Thanks for all the replies.

Just to confirm, I've paid the majority of the bills but my partner has certainly contributed so I don't begrudge her a percentage of the property. I still have feelings for her and still want her to move on with her life despite this awful situation.

The only other dependent involved is my partner's 29 year old daughter who lives with us. She's in full time employment so presumably will contribute to the next place they move to.

Why do I think she'll move on so quickly? Because she's adamant she wants to split, has a good career and is still very attractive. I'm sure it won't take her long to move on.

I've said I can provide 20% of the equity prior to selling to help her move on quickly but she's been reluctant to agree to this. I don't think it's anything to do with the fact that she might not trust me to give her the rest once the house sells. She could just go to a solicitor to force it through. We have a very nice house and I just think she thinks this is the best option for her right now. But it leaves me in state of limbo. Despite all of this I still like her being around the place but I can only think that it's just setting me up for an even bigger fall.

Thanks, Jamie

Personally I wouldn’t be giving anywhere near that much and can’t you force her to leave as she doesn’t own the house. Not sure what the rules are on this. Definately don’t give her anything up front without taking legal advice.

She has been living rent free in your house for 12 years.

Paying a bit here and there for food etc is not contributing to the property.

i think you are making a mistake to be honest and it’s because you still love her.

Consult a solicitor before making the smallest decision, better safe than sorry.

Sometimea it is the partner who originally wanted to leave who makes the process more difficult when the situation changes for various reasons. Currently she’s in control and so is happy and is not making any waves, remember to be cautious and accept there is a chance, however slim you think it is, that may not always be the case.

You never know, since you’re officially single now, it may be you who quite unexpectedly meets someone new, without you having made much effort to look. It can be surprising how many old friends come out of the woodwork to hit on you in the guise of consoling you when you become newly single after a long relationship.

The partner who was previously so adamant to leave can sometimes turn jealous or vindictive, a case of - I don’t want you but I don’t want anyone else to have you, similar to a toddler not wanting anyone else to play with their toys.

Why do I think she'll move on so quickly? Because she's adamant she wants to split, has a good career and is still very attractive. I'm sure it won't take her long to move on.

Presuming she’s in her 50’s (by age of dd) - believe me there are 1000’s of attractive, eligible mature women out there and the pool of similar men is very, very shallow so I wouldn’t be too sure she’ll move on as easily as you think