Relationship advice

[ideasfif]

I’ve been dating this man for 18 months, I’d been single for 5 years and a lone parent for 10. Not long after we’d met my children’s dad died suddenly. 4 years ago I graduated from uni - after studying part time while working - so I have a better paid job now but with no child maintenance I still work a weekend job as well as a full time, stressful, job. I have my own house with a mortgage, my eldest is in their final year of uni and my youngest just started 6th form. Some how I’ve managed to keep my head above water, I’m a grafter to do suffer from stress. I’m 50 now and my ex husband had been an alcoholic and abusive - hence divorcing but his abuse increased when I left him and life was hard.
I am aware I can hold onto trauma from the past but on occasions when I’ve been stressed the man I’m dating had said - I don’t want to add to your load. What I can’t get my head around is this - I’m sure after 18 months and out of compassion if things were the other way round I’d be asking what can I do to help, what I’m hearing from him is - if a new relationship is too much for you to cope with I’ll ship out. I don’t know what to think? Any views apart from my own would be useful for me to think about ..

Is there some reason you don’t trust your own reading of the situation?
His lack of support and keeping the door ajar shows a distinct lack of care.

Effectively threatening to leave if you basically don’t start coping better, isn’t the foundation for a secure relationship and would foster great insecurity.

He is not supportive at all and would rather leave but hoping you will end things as he doesn’t want to be perceived as the bad guy. You have lived through and overcome so much, you put yourself through Uni whilst working and now holding down two jobs, you deserve better than him, to be heard and not for someone to want to walk away as your stressed!

Thank you for replying ..I’ve thought about your question, I’m probably feeling grateful for having a boyfriend and over looking that or denying that things aren’t really ok

You will have less stress without him tbh as you’re trying hard not to stress in case he leaves.

Thank you, yep - it hurts to hear him say it but I then think its me not coping, he gives lots of help to people in his family ..I can’t help think that’s after 18 months I would be one of his priority’s. His children are grown and live with their partners. I wonder if his ideal girlfriend would be one without dependant kids.

Gratitude is a healthy and wonderful thing to feel when both parties feel the same way, did he also display gratitude?

What were your coping mechanisms for the stress, what were his specific complaints? Do you think he had any kind of point or rather that he just wasn’t willing to be supportive?

I’ve not been posting replies properly ☺️ ..yes I think that does happen he also works shifts so I feel we snatch at time to see each other when he isn’t at work, he also specifies which days

It sound like you both don’t really have time for a relationship, he tells you he helps others in his family but doesn’t want to help you nor listen when your stressed. You deserve better, I’d start loving yourself as you wish to be loved, pamper yourself you deserve it and get rid of him x

rarely ..he can be quite mean spirited with money, affection etc but his family and friends all think he’s great so then I think he must just not be that happy with me.

I go to the gym when I can ..the specific complaints were when I’ve been crying or have ended up having a go at him. It is true I have too much going on in my life but life can be lonely and I did want to meet someone. I suspect he just wants time with me on his terms.

🙏 xx

Eurghh one thing I can’t stand is greedy people

Dump him for that alone!

Working all week and weekends really isn’t sustainable- I think you need to rent out a room or come up with another way of managing your finances!

I interpreted it the same as you: if you don’t have time for him he’ll bugger off.

Either he’s a man-child who needs you to stroke his ego or he’s not emotionally invested in the relationship.

Did you get widowed parents allowance? There are things you can claim

So sorry you're going through this op.

I'm also a Single mum and ended a relationship of 2 years, just a few months ago.

There were a number of issues (I won't digress) but as I read your post I recognised that exact saying. It's what my ex always said to me when I was stressed.

t the time he said it in a way that made him out to be so understanding, a bit like a martyr. "I don't want to make your life any more difficult/complicated/busy" - I could never figure out why his response made me so guilty/uncomfortable.

Reading your post I've just realised exactly why what he was saying got to me. A massive penny dropping moment.....and another reason to add to the list of why ending it was the right thing!!

So, he’s tighter than a duck’s arse, and mean spirited to boot, what a massive turn off. Are his good points really enough to outweigh that?