Marriage from hell

[TheRedTiger]

I’ve been married for 10 years. I never dreamt it would turn out this way. The first year flew by, everything as I expected. But then slowly he started changing, he would often go on weekend trips and holidays as often as he could. I did question it, “my friends give me happiness.. have a laugh with them”. It seemed he didn’t really care how I felt. I was there to fill a purpose, he wanted children because his dad was 70. He even said you love your kids more than your wife.

I found out he cheated on me, it would have been 5 years. Anyways I gave it another go. But nothing has changed, the last time we had a sexual relations was 4 years ago. I’ve tried talking to him but he doesn’t seem to communicate. I’m 38 now, my body clock is ticking, feel so stuck in this situation. I managed to save in the last three years, but in the first 5 years. He told me to transfer my wage into our joint account which I naively did, he’s well off. He said it was in my benefit, taxed money should be saved. He used to transfer the money.
I really trusted this man, thought he wanted a loving marriage. It’s so strange for a man not to want sex. He withdrew long ago even before 4 years ago. He never seemed interested in wanting any emotional connection.

i don’t understand how anybody can treat some body like this. Any male perspective view. I’m tried to do everything he wanted, do the things to keep him happy, but nothing never seems good enough or I’m never doing enough.
any thoughts?

He doesn't love you. You need to leave.

Leave and divorce.

Why are you with him? What’s keeping you there? You can never understand another persons behaviour. And you can never control it. If you’re not getting what you want then best thing is to leave and start a new, happier more fulfilling life

I think you're on a hiding to nothing with this man. He sounds deeply damaged emotionally and incapable of forming a healthy relationship. You need to rip the plaster off and end it. You'll be less lonely single than you are living in his bleak little world.

i stayed thinking he will change. He would be the husband I wanted. I think it’s family pressures that’s what kept me here, having no support. I’m Asian, and the family/social pressures are immense

See a solicitor.
Get advice on protecting your assets.
And plan to leave.

i did want children but not for the sole reason to have children for his dad. That was his justification, he wasn’t even properly having sex. I didn’t think it was right to have children whilst I was studying either. I went back to uni. His dad had kids for procreation. So I guess that’s normal thinking for him

Oh OP. This sounds really hard. You deserve so much better than this.

Do you think he could be gay and married to cover it up?

Kids are off the table since long. Evenings make food, watch TV, and go to sleep. I accepted he didn’t want any emotional or physical connection. He hasn’t made no effort with me which I tried to speak to him, he said he’s tired in the evenings and we are old now to connect with each other at any other time!!

He had an ex GF. he slept with multiple women that he could get whilst he was cheating. His dating profile was for women. When I confronted him about he said “ he wanted someone to talk to”. He has downloaded tinder and used it whilst he would be away. Often buying tinder boost so his profile would be at the top. When he didn’t want to have sex with me, I blamed myself and thought there was something wrong with me. But I now know there’s nothing wrong with me, but for years before the cheating that’s how he made me feel

I guess money brings him happiness, he’s become a multi millionaire in the since COVID.

yes I think I can but I think it’s the time I spent that upsets me, the effort on my part. The abuse I’ve had to endure for nothing. giving him another chance, I thought he could change

OP, life's too short. Divorce him.

It’s very unlikely he’s not cheating now
that he’s a millionaire if he was cheating before he was.

He’ll be going out , wining and dining multiple other women most likely.

There’s no mystery here. He is getting sex just not from you.

I appreciate the family/cultural pressure element, but this isn’t a marriage anymore. It’s more of a sham really. There’s nothing between you except lies.

I can imagine how upsetting it is, you may want to look into therapy. He has treated you badly but unfortunately you can’t control him or turn back time so it’s best to get out while you can.

Get yourself a good family maw/divorce lawyer and a forensic accountant.

Get rid of him.

You could still have a child with someone else in the next few years.

This! I had a child at 41 btw so you still have time but it’s short. So get moving!

He's clearly seeing other women. That’s why he is on tinder etc. especially when he goes away. He’s hooking up with them then.

You’re entitled to half of his money and assets because you’re married. You’ll probably do very well from this divorce, especially if you employ a forensic accountant.

Don't wait, do it now but do not tell him anything. Don’t give him the chance to get his ducks in a row. I’d imagine if he’s a multimillionaire that he will get a very good lawyer so you need the head start.

thank you for messaging

the tinder profile and the cheating was 6 years ago, so from year 2 to year 6 of our marriage that’s when he was actively using tinder to hook up with women.

I doubt he has the time to go cheating now with his work. So since I found out about the cheating, he’s said he would change etc etc. so I gave it another chance. He did change meaning he stopped being so abusive. But he started again, with blaming me for putting pressure on him. I’m always on my phone, can’t connect with me etc etc (not true at all). It’s said he didn’t want his life to be different to his parents, again they are together for the mere reason of society and they have a terrible relation.
She couldn’t be the mother to her both children whilst growing up, she was severely depressed and still is. Mum is going blind due to glucoma, she didn’t manage her diabetes. Apparently she Dad is forever charging his
older golden boy son, favouritism to him over my husband.

my husband has stopped speaking to his dad and brother over money disputes/loyalty issues. Dad is 76, he’s a horrible man, does not respect women at all. Had children for procreation.

I doubt he has the time to go cheating now with his work. So since I found out about the cheating, he’s said he would change etc etc. so I gave it another chance.

This is unfortunately very naive considering we know Presidents/head of states, world richest men, surgeons , emergency workers, teachers etc who all are very busy and lead pressured lives find time to cheat if they want to whether it’s in-person or spending money on stuff like Only Fans.

So I don’t know why you’d think your husband didn’t have the time.

None of his family stuff matters. You’re shifting focus to avoid really accepting your own reality. The only thing that matters is how he treats you. He is abusive. So, you should consider leaving him because you don’t deserve to be abused. This is no way to live. Life is short. Don’t waste it with someone like this. I also doubt he can’t find time to cheat. You’d be astonished how cheaters will manage to find the time.