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Original poster

Ex partner offering me financial security

25 replies

Bysieby · 02/12/2024 17:40

About 4 months ago my partner of 25 years and I split , I walked out on him after finding out he was messaging ex colleagues and in particular one colleague who he'd had a relationship with before we got together...the messages were very deep and I feel crossed a line tbh.
I found myself somewhere to live and have been trying to rebuild my life , it's been really hard and I've felt in the last few weeks that I was moving forward at last. I haven't seen my ex partner since Aug but we've messaged a few times about family stuff.
Last Monday that all changed because he hurt himself and my son asked me to check on him..I called around to see if he was OK, to cut a long story short I ending spending hours with him trying to get him medical help, got him sorted and leaving to come back to mine he stops me and says he loves me so much and that he'd put me on the deeds of the house and that we can do some home improvements if I come back to him.
I'm torn tbh..I'm not well off but I'm getting by , I just don't know if I can go back to him , my head is saying no but my heart is feeling sorry for him.
Any advice would be great please 🙏.

OP posts:
Stargazer00 · 02/12/2024 17:53

So you'd go back to him because there's a financial incentive in it for you??

Blanca87 · 02/12/2024 17:54

So he was happy to leave you financially vulnerable for the last 25 years. Raising his child and not on the deeds, WTF???.
now he has to wash his clothes and feed himself whilst watching you grow he wants to offer you security. Bin him mate, he’s a piss taker.

WickedlyCharmed · 02/12/2024 17:56

Tell him you want to see your name on the deeds before you make any decisions.

My guess is he’ll promise the world but once you’ve moved back in, there will be excuse after excuse to avoid getting your name on those deeds.

Actions speak louder than words.

Original poster
Bysieby · 02/12/2024 18:26

@Stargazer00
I'm a middle aged woman who's got a limited amount of years left to rebuild my life , I paid alot of money into his property, bills home improvements etc , if I'd been married then it wouldn't have been a problem.

OP posts:
Catoo · 02/12/2024 18:37

Bysieby · 02/12/2024 18:26

@Stargazer00
I'm a middle aged woman who's got a limited amount of years left to rebuild my life , I paid alot of money into his property, bills home improvements etc , if I'd been married then it wouldn't have been a problem.

Absolutely well done for leaving this horrible man.

Tell him to put your name on the deeds before you even think about leaving your own place. You should have been on them the last 20+ years. (If he won’t, you knew he’s bullshitting which no doubt he did the whole time you were with him.)

If he does, then you can think about the rest. Sounds like the grass wasn’t greener for him and he’s worried about being lonely and ill on his own. Do you want to spend the next 20+ years living with him again?

Spirallingdownwards · 02/12/2024 18:43

I would check the Land Registry to see if he has indeed entered you as a joint owner. I am going to guess he hasn't and that he is lying to you again.

Wordsofprey · 02/12/2024 18:50

Catoo · 02/12/2024 18:37

Absolutely well done for leaving this horrible man.

Tell him to put your name on the deeds before you even think about leaving your own place. You should have been on them the last 20+ years. (If he won’t, you knew he’s bullshitting which no doubt he did the whole time you were with him.)

If he does, then you can think about the rest. Sounds like the grass wasn’t greener for him and he’s worried about being lonely and ill on his own. Do you want to spend the next 20+ years living with him again?

Show quote history

Agree with this. Tell him you should have been on there since you've paid into it and raised his kid, so he should put you on there anyway if he's halfway decent and truly that sorry. If he does it without a fight, take it from there. If he does anything except say "of course" then bin him off permanently.

Cerialkiller · 02/12/2024 18:54

If you spent money on home improvements then you should have a claim on the home regardless. If you can prove you spent e.g. 5k on a new kitchen.

As for the current situation. I don't judge you for considering going back but I wouldn't uproot your new lovely life to do so. He needs to prove his commitment first, not just empty words at a lonely difficult time.

Pinkbonbon · 02/12/2024 18:59

Feeling sorry for someone isn't a reason to be with them.

He didn't feel sorry for you, keeping you financially vulnerable for years either. Amd no, he won't put you on the deeds if you go back.

Don't be a mug op.
You've been working so hard to extradite yourself from him, don't take any backwards steps. Things will get easier. But if you go back, you'll be in this same situation again a few years from now, wishing you'd stuck your freedom out until it got easier on the first occasion.

Owl55 · 02/12/2024 19:00

Only go back to him if he puts all the house in your name!! Then you know if he really wants you back!

Original poster
Bysieby · 02/12/2024 19:00

@Catoo i saw him twice last week and that felt like enough tbh...couldn't imagine living in the same house 24 hours a day!
These last 4 months living on my own have been really hard and i feel like I'm just starting to feel some sunshine on my face ...I'm not sure I can give up my independence again now..

OP posts:
Original poster
Bysieby · 02/12/2024 19:06

@Pinkbonbon I think you're right !! It would feel like a backwards step.
I feel like he always had this has an hold over me and he's using it has an incentive for me to go back.

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 02/12/2024 20:17

listen to your head op.

Catoo · 02/12/2024 20:28

Bysieby · 02/12/2024 19:00

@Catoo i saw him twice last week and that felt like enough tbh...couldn't imagine living in the same house 24 hours a day!
These last 4 months living on my own have been really hard and i feel like I'm just starting to feel some sunshine on my face ...I'm not sure I can give up my independence again now..

You have your answer then OP.

(You should still be on those deeds though)

But concentrate on building your new life.

💐

Summerhillsquare · 02/12/2024 22:10

You are having a bout of sunk cost fallacy, it will pass. Enjoy your new life!

cestlavielife · 02/12/2024 22:11

Did he hurt himself on purpose?

BlastedPimples · 03/12/2024 03:35

He cheated on you. He will do it again.

You are coming into the light. Slowly.

It's so hard but you're getting there.

Don't go back.

HoppityBun · 03/12/2024 03:37

I don’t understand this: you say you feel sorry for him but the headline is about financial security.

Pinkbonbon · 03/12/2024 03:43

Listen to your instincts love. You've done the hard part already. Keep him gone.

Original poster
Bysieby · 03/12/2024 06:08

Thanks for all your replies, they're so appreciated 💕

OP posts:
Twizzlelolly · 03/12/2024 06:16

I’m in a similar position. Early 40’s. Trying to find the courage to leave.

You have done the hard bit. Stay strong!

It must feel amazing to finally be free and stood up for yourself. It’s not your fault he didn’t appreciate and look after what he had until he lost it.

Wishing you a successful and happy life.

SullysBabyMama · 03/12/2024 06:20

Realising this in addition to the cheating…. And knowing he is fully aware as he’s mentioned it now… it would be the final nail in the coffin for me not an incentive to go back.

SpryCat · 03/12/2024 06:39

He’s dangling a carrot, one bite and your in the horse box on the way to the knacker’s yard.

Dweetfidilove · 03/12/2024 06:50

So he knew you were meant to on the deeds after 25 years and a child, but figured you'd stay with him and his bullshit while you were vulnerable. Now you've dumped him and are coming into your own in your new, independent life, and he's felt his own vulnerability; he realises you are a woman worth more than what he was offering. What a tosser 😒!

Enjoy that sunshine you're walking into, and leave him and his cloud of grey behind you. Hopefully your son is his only child, and will inherit all the money and effort you put into that place 🤷🏾‍♀️.

Roastitcheese · 03/12/2024 06:58

Bysieby · 02/12/2024 18:26

@Stargazer00
I'm a middle aged woman who's got a limited amount of years left to rebuild my life , I paid alot of money into his property, bills home improvements etc , if I'd been married then it wouldn't have been a problem.

I’d consider it OP, if only to reclaim what should have been jointly yours anyway.
However, he needs to do this before you move back in with him.
And even then, only if you feel you can live with him.

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