Whats wrong with me?

[Rach97]

I’ve been single for 2 years and I’ve recently started to date someone. My previous relationship was long term and was very abusive.

This new guy is great - kind , wants to see me , build a relationship and do things together.
The first couple of weeks I was excited about it , found him attractive and good sexual chemistry. Now I’m starting to doubt how I feel about it - sometimes I feel the same and others I almost feel like I should feel butterflies and always want to see him.

But is this realistic? Do I give it more time or is the way I’m feeling a sign that it’s not right?

It sounds like you’re used to the drama and extreme highs and lows of an abusive relationship, so a normal one feels strange and uncomfortable. I’ve been there and I strongly recommend having some counselling if you can.

@blackcatsarethebestcats thank you, yes I’ve been waiting 6 months for PTSD counselling but still no closer to starting it.

This, with bells on. SIL really struggles when she has a good relationship. She's had so little experience of them that she feels like there's something wrong because the highs aren't as high as her previous relationships.

Good relationships are easy most of the time. And yes, sometimes that means that they can be a little bit boring.

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots thank you.

It’s so hard to know whether I’m just self sabotaging or whether I’m just not as in to him as I should be.

1,000% back every word of this! This was me as well. If you can get through to the other side of it, it will be the most amazing thing to be able to appreciate a safe relationship

The important question for me is, when you are with him, do you enjoy it? is it easy? Do you have a good time? Or are you constantly on edge, wanting to leave etc? Because not having butterflies before seeing him is, in my opnion, a good thing. YOu shouldn't be feeling all fluttery and nervous once you're moving towards a proper relationship.

Ok, I'm guessing you're only a couple of months in at most?

So how do you actually feel when you're with him. Are you enjoying his company, do you find him attractive, are you wanting to be intimate?

Ignore the in between bits, you don't need to have butterflies every time you think of him, to be missing him desperately when you're apart. You're very early into this relationship, none of those things are particularly healthy.

It's how you feel when you're actually in his company that matters.

@Triffid1 @VimesandhisCardboardBoots
when I’m with him I enjoy it but I’m also happy to go home. It’s not like I don’t want to leave him if that makes sense?
he suggests always staying at mine but I’m very protective of my space.
sometimes I’m easily wanting to be intimate with him and other times it’s like it doesn’t feel right.

If you have to ask yourself whether you’re into him, you’ve answered your own question.

How is time between you managed?
How does he respond to you guarding your space?
Do neither of you want to spend time in his space, or is that out of the question because he has roommates or lives in unsuitable accommodation?

You've only recently started dating him and you've been on your own for a couple of years following an abusive relationship.

I'd say your approach to this is quite healthy.

You enjoy seeing your friends but are happy for them to go home at the end of it, aren't you? You look forward to getting back home, getting back to your own space, you have things you want/need to do at home for yourself? It isn't any different to that.

Equally, you don't always need to be up for sex. Some people are and others aren't.

If you actually don't feel.attractive, don't want to spend time with him and spend your time with him being irritated and wishing you were at home, that's different but don't mistake the cycle of the hghs and lows of an abusive relationship for how it should be.

I'd be focusing ore on how I feel when I'm with him and how he makes me feel about myself and how compatible we are in other areas than just whether I can bear to be apart from him.

The feeling of butterflies is a red flag.

I am going through the exact same thing.

My brain constantly sends me into weird realities and delusions. I believe it's because I am not feeling those highs and lows so it's trying to protect me from this feeling that it isn't used to.

It's really hard healing from trauma and abuse. I am so sorry you are going through this.

It sounds like your filter for what is good and healthy in a relationship has been shot to pieces by your abusive one. I think that counselling would be good, as others have said, but maybe also have a think about what you’re wanting and expecting from this relationship.

Are you looking for long term, short term, marriage and children…?? Possibly even more crucially, what are your expectations when it comes to meeting your emotional
needs, and are you being realistic about that? DH and I are pretty unusual in that he was my first serious boyfriend - we met at uni when I was 18, we married 4 years later and are still together 32 years on. Still very happy together, still in love. But even he can’t meet all my emotional needs and I can’t make him responsible for all my personal happiness. No other human can do all of that but it doesn’t mean that we’re not right together.

In the early days of our relationship though, whilst I was working out in my head whether this was going anywhere, there were times when it felt very exciting and other times when it felt a bit mundane. Mundane in a nice way but still a bit ordinary. I’m so,so glad that I didn’t throw in the towel at that stage because I’ve learned that this is really the stuff of good relationships - it should be easy-going, generally happy, with some times of profound joy and then there will be some times of issues that you’re having to work through. The extreme highs and lows aren’t really all that helpful but I think you can get a bit addicted to them, so ‘normal’ feels wrong and strange.

If he’s kind, thoughtful and considerate and if you generally find him attractive and good company, then I’d be cautiously optimistic and give the relationship a bit more time. Knowing that a relationship is a good one isn’t all about how you feel in the moment (in fact that can be quite unpredictable) it’s also about trust, respect and being there for each other through the ups and downs of life. Of course fancying each other like mad and being excited to see each other is all there in the mix but they’re not the only factors and those feelings can wax and wane a bit from time to time. Give it some time before you jump to any conclusions.