Is it worth saving my marriage ?

[LaurafromLondon]

Hello,

First time posting .

Little insight of my life. Please , help me to understand it better with fresh opinions.

I got married in my early 20' with a guy at his home country. ( over 5 years ago ) He initiated the marriage idea. He was charming, kind, caring, loving, hard working, always up for an adventure, outgoing, just a couple of years older than me. I simply fall for him without a doubt.
We got a small child, unplanned , but dearly loved.

After marriage he changed. He become this moody person. Nothing was good enough I did.
I written a few recent examples.
If I chat to him, he may get angry at any time. If I'm quietly doing my own thing, again it might make him angry why I'm quiet. If I called him at the wrong time, then I had to listen verbally that I'm controlling him. If I don't call him for a day, he mentions it as well. If I watch something on tv, he doesn't like it, fair enough. If I cook something, he doesn't like it, fine. He promises to do things, just to cancel it after. He didn't want to take me and our child to our nearest airport, but he happily took his relative to Heathrow which was 4 hours round trip.

Some times he says I'm stupid if I correct his strange way of driving when I didn't feel safe, I also have UK driving license ( he had drink,drive accident, ban few years back).
He says mean things like he don't need me, I'm not ok. It's upsetting.
If a teardrop falls from my eyes, he gets even more angry. Sometimes I just cry silently so he doesn't hear me.

He is husband, partner only on our marriage certificate. I can't really talk to him openly as a friend.
I suggested a relationship councelling, booked it, we went. He spoke most of time about unrelated things , about his work, an hour finished, still no solution. He said he ain't going back there.
Anything I say may trigger his anger. It just going downhill. I can't do right for doing nothing these days.

I do trust him and I want to save our marriage. I want to be with him.
I'm just afraid he doesn't feel the same .

It is so draining. I'm so tired of this life.

It's hard to explain. It's the little things he says and does to hurt me or insult me.
I feel unloved, unwanted, unheard.

He rather be at his self employed business whole Sunday until late, than being at home on my birthday with me and our child ( which was an actual sunday) .
No flowers, fair enough.

I was truly waiting for him to come home. I cleaned the house, I done everything, bath, dinner, put our child to sleep.
He become angry for no apparent reason.
On his off work days, I need to ask for a kiss, otherwise he don't bother, no affection.

Some days he says he loves me, next day his harsh words or actions shows the opposite.

All my friends and family thinks we are the perfect couple. He is a gentleman to everyone outside our home. But actually I'm ashamed to tell anyone, because they have no clue what is happening.

These are only a few details.

I'm happy to answer any questions, in case I missed something.

Is it worth saving my marriage?
If yes, then how ?

Please, help me, I would like to hear honest opinions or experiences.

What would you do ?

Thank you for reading this far.

Your husband is abusive. You will never be able to please him or have a healthy, loving relationship with him. He is treating you this way because he can, because he wants to and because he’s an abusive man. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t see you as an equal partner. He doesn’t respect you. I know these things because a man who loved you, respected you and saw you as an equal would not treat you this way and would not abuse you. Just because you don’t mention any physical abuse doesn’t mean he’s not abusive. He is extremely controlling, he loves bombed you at the start of your relationship and once you had a child and were married he took of his mask because he feels you are trapped now. The man under the mask is the real man. The man with the mask is the one everyone else sees who is charming. This is a terrible and unsafe environment for you and your child because abuse never gets better. It only escalates. Emotional abuse is incredibly damaging for you and for your child. Your child will grow up to think this is what relationships look like and will either be abused too or become another abuser. It is incredibly damaging for children’s sense of safety and self esteem. It’s traumatising and it will have long lasting effects the longer you stay with your husband.

Please do not go to any further therapy sessions with your husband. It’s is not advised to go to therapy with an abuser because they use it as another form of abuse and to garner further information to make you more vulnerable to further abuse you.

First, contact women’s aid. They will be able to help you make an exit plan, help you with accommodation, legal support, help you to claim any benefits you might be entitled to and help you access counselling, etc. Do this today if you can whilst he’s at work. He won’t know you’ve contacted them.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

Read this book. It’s a free link and it will help you to see how the minds of these abusive men work and clarify the abuse you’re experiencing.

https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

You don’t deserve this. You didn’t cause it. You shouldn’t accept it. You can’t change him. He won’t get better. He will only get worse. You can’t work on your marriage because he is not a safe person to you or your child. Most importantly

DO NOT TELL HIM YOU ARE LEAVING!!
This is the most dangerous time for victims of domestic abuse because the perpetrator is losing control.

When you have left and are in a safe place, if you want to you can send him a message saying it’s over and you won’t be back. Then block him everywhere. Phone, social media, email. You are being abused and it’s not something you can fix. Start making plans to leave. Call women’s aid.
💐

He doesn’t want to be in the marriage. I’m sorry. But you will be much happier without him dragging you down. He sounds hell to live with.

No.
Because he is horrible.
You only have one life. Don't spend it with a horrible man.

What the other posters have written, please take heed of their wise words.

Your husband is abusive so your marriage is over. There is no saving this and do not do any more joint counselling with him because it’s not recommended where there is abuse of any type in the relationship.

Get support from Womens Aid for yourself and a solicitor to end this marriage.

Just adding my voice, so you know many many people feel the same OP. What you are describing there is no going back from.

He is abusive. And he will never change. It will just get worse. A good person is not capable of acting like he does. So it's his core character that is the problem. Not what you do, not circumstance, him. And the way to make it better is to get away from him.

As PPs are saying, you are in a domestic abuse situation. My exDP was very similar with the random outbursts of anger. I told my GP one day that I thought his behaviour was affecting my health. She obviously then asked me to give some examples and then told me it was domestic abuse and "not even borderline". It took me months to fully believe her.

Anyway, she referred me to the local Women's Aid group. They sent me on a course and gave me a support worker and I eventually managed to leave.

I also talked to Shelter. It turned out that due to the domestic abuse, I was entitled to a council flat and the council had to house me within 56 (I think) days. In the end, I found a private property before the deadline.

Oh and I forgot to say that marriage counseling is a waste of time with an abuser. They will make it sound like all problems are down to you - that is in their nature.

Thank you All for your replies.
It took me a year to write about it. Finally I had a courage and my worse fears comes true. He actually has random outbursts, making me feel as if it's something I done.
He doesn't communicate with me about feelings, he barely has a time at all.
Thank you all. Much appreciated. I guess I was blind.

The man he was before you married, the man you loved, wasn't the real him. It was an act to trap you. You wouldn't have fallen for him if he'd been abusive from the start. But once he had the ring on your finger he could drop the act. You were tied to him.

OP you don't have a marriage worth saving because it's a marriage built on his lies and manipulation. You will never have the marriage you believed you were entering into.

Accept that this cannot get better and leave him before he destroys your self esteem and even the core of yourself. He would love nothing more than to see you become a shell of the woman you were, to know that he had reduced you to that. Don't let that happen.