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Original poster

Living with MIL

23 replies

Helpagirlout101 · 02/12/2024 13:18

My partner (M39) and I (F27) have been together for nearly 3 years and we have lived together for the majority of our relationship (renting with the council). We are happy and love each other so much. Approx 4 months ago, my partners mother (F64) came from South America to live with us but she is classed as an adult dependent relative which means she is fully reliant on my partner financially (she has no access to public funds). She is also unable to work due to health conditions. Currently, the 3 of us live together. She is an absolutely lovely lady and we get along so well, but I made it clear to my partner from the start of our relationship that I don’t want us to be living with anyone else (including his mum) in the long term - I want us to live alone and start a family soon. We have been saving for a mortgage for a while and the original plan was that me and my partner would move out and his mum would reside with a family friend because they HAD a good relationship previously, however this is no longer the case. We now only have 2 options. The first one being that I get a mortgage in my own name so that my partner can keep the council property for his mum to live in. However, as my MIL has no income, we would need to financially support 2 households and this isn't financially sustainable in my opinion. The second option is that we buy a house together, scrap the council property and build an annex in the garden for my MIL to live in. This seems to be the most favourable option in my partners eyes, however this is also expensive and isn’t something we could afford to do straight away (which would mean MIL would need to live with us for a few more years until it is possible). Initially, I was also considering this option, but the more I've thought about it, the more I'm doubting it. I have a fear that she will be coming into the house often seeing as we are so close in proximity. Like will she expect to eat with us every night? I feel so bad saying all of this because I have a good relationship with her, but I seriously need my privacy and alone time.. having to entertain her all the time is exhausting, plus me and my partner are in our prime time and I'm feeling weighed down by his mother being constantly around. I also feel like he acts like a child around her.. she’s constantly attending to him and it drives me crazy - where’s the independence?! Also to note, she doesn’t speak a word of English, so although she’s nice, there’s no connection between us. I've even suggested that he send her back to South America because she doesn’t particularly seem to be enjoying it in the UK anyway - she has no friends, doesn’t get out much and sits watching TV all day or cooking/cleaning (which again, annoys me!). She can do much more in her home country. I said we could send money every month, but as you can imagine, this didn't go down very well (as the life and conditions in their country are so bad). My question is, do people think the annex idea is a good idea? Do you think we we'd still be on top of each other? Do you think I'll be able to have my privacy in this scenario? I'm seriously trying to decide what I want. I love my partner so much and I know he's only doing the right thing by his mum (as she is single and he is the only child), but I feel like as a result, I'm the person impacted.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/12/2024 13:24

What sort of visa if any did his mother arrive into the U.K. on?. She is 64, is reliant on her son totally, cannot work due to ill health and cannot speak English. Is her son dpon

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/12/2024 13:28

Sponsoring her?. If she has misled the authorities about her visit to the U.K. she end up being deported. Was the subject of his mother at all raised with you before she arrived?.

I would think long and hard about your future here because it’s not looking at all good . I would knock the whole baby issue on the head with him. He also reverts to child like mode in her presence which is not good either.

thepariscrimefiles · 02/12/2024 13:31

You will never be able to have the life that you want if your MIL must always live with you. I would advise you to leave before you have any children. Your partner will always put her first.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/12/2024 13:31

She certainly cannot stay with you or her son for the rest of her days. It also seems she has no life in the U.K. and cannot integrate readily due to both health and language barriers.

Houseplanter · 02/12/2024 13:34

Surely if she stays in a council house that would be fraud? She's not entitled to a council house.

Frankly she shouldn't be here if you're not going to completely finance her if she's not entitled to anything from the state, inc nhs

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2024 13:34

What would happen if she became ill? Would she be entitled to treatment or care?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/12/2024 13:40

And how do you have a good relationship with her if you cannot talk to each other due to the language barrier?. She’s in her son’s property and she’s been basically dumped on you.

PeppyTealDuck · 02/12/2024 13:41

It sounds harsh but your partner should not burden you, a 27 yo young woman, like that. That is not fair on you by any stretch. Do not let yourself be led into a situation where you own a house and expect a baby with a MIL staying with you for many decades, unless you really want that, which clearly and understandably you don’t!
This is possibly a dealbreaker. Think of the options and make your own decision.

MissMoneyFairy · 02/12/2024 13:42

If you can afford to get a mortgage and build an annex you shouldn't get a council property, she has no right to live there does she?

MissMoneyFairy · 02/12/2024 13:49

For your partner to have applied for adr he would have needed to declare he could financially support her without any benefit help for at least 5 years but you live in council property

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 02/12/2024 13:55

@Helpagirlout101 whose idea was it for her to come and live with you??? I would have shut that right down immediately?? what language does she speak?? think she needs to go back home if she cannot support herself! you are young enough to find a guy who will live with you alone, without his mother!

Nothatgingerpirate · 02/12/2024 13:58

thepariscrimefiles · 02/12/2024 13:31

You will never be able to have the life that you want if your MIL must always live with you. I would advise you to leave before you have any children. Your partner will always put her first.

Absolutely spot on.
Don't bother.

Blushingm · 02/12/2024 15:59

He can't keep the council if he's not living it it

TheGander · 02/12/2024 16:23

I have South American relatives and there is a lot more of an expectation that children will look after parents into their old age. My grandmothers sister married a Chilean at 19 and lived the rest of her life there ( till age 99). In th e last years of her life her son and one of her daughters had a rota going where they’d take turns to have her for 2 weeks at a time. You need to go into this with your eyes open. The benefits can be that if you have kids, you’ll have free childcare on tap ( if that’s what you want). Any kids you have could grow up being bilingual, so there are some upsides. Good luck, whatever you and DP decide.

strawberrysea · 02/12/2024 16:27

Oh my god, get out now!!!

You are young, why are you taking all of this on willingly?!

Be selfish, think of yourself and start fresh with someone else. They are both taking advantage of your kindness.

Motnight · 02/12/2024 16:29

Houseplanter · 02/12/2024 13:34

Surely if she stays in a council house that would be fraud? She's not entitled to a council house.

Frankly she shouldn't be here if you're not going to completely finance her if she's not entitled to anything from the state, inc nhs

This. It's a recipe for disaster.

Purplecatshopaholic · 02/12/2024 16:30

Put up with this at your peril, op. Get the hell out now or you’ll potentially be complicit in fraud for one thing, financing her for another, living with her forever for another - is this what you want?

ICarriedTheWatermelon · 02/12/2024 16:35

This has got NO!! Written all over it.

Why has she come here? Is it so she can have you both care for her in old age?

It doesn’t seem like you have been involved in that decision making process.

WomenInConstruction · 02/12/2024 16:38

Nightmare.
Exactly what her legal options now and in the future are is important... Do you know exactly what they are?

Assuming she has no means of support other than her son either in this country or her country of origin then you can't exactly leave her to it, accommodation, food and health care are all going to be needed.

But how your life will look with her as the third wheel in your relationship will be very different from what you expected going into the relationship so you need to give that some serious thinking.

If it could be made to work he will need to be very considerate of what you need to stay sane in that situation (if that's even possible).

An annex would be a lot of money to build. Unless you're both high earners, a house with space for one, and then building it, would be years and years of serious income to finance.

MounjaroUser · 02/12/2024 16:47

I don't understand how she's able to get a visa anyway. Does she have a right to remain?

No matter how much I got on with my MIL I wouldn't want to live with her and support her financially, especially if I wanted to have my own children.

I'd get out of the relationship now before your finances are further merged, and I'd get my own place. That sort of life might suit him but it doesn't suit you.

Whose name is on the council house lease?

MounjaroUser · 02/12/2024 16:49

I can't see why she'd want to live here and not back home, if your partner was willing to send her money each month. Surely there is some sort of state pension she can receive? She has no friends, can only talk to him.. it's not much of a life, is it?

ginasevern · 02/12/2024 16:53

OP, is your MIL here legally? If not, there will be all sorts of implications including health care as she gets older. You cannot just "let her have the council place" either, whether she's legal or not. You'd need to make her a joint tenant (if permissible) and even then it isn't a straight forward process. If you move out without telling the council and just let her stay, you will be in a heap of trouble eventually.

Personally, I predict your future and it's permanently living with your MIL. She can't possibly operate independently without any friends, money, work or even basic English. How's that going to work? Answer - it isn't! You need to make a call about your relationship, and don't even think about getting pregnant.

Ryah76 · 02/12/2024 17:36

@Helpagirlout101 You are 27 years old and please trust me when I say that in situations like this LOVE can and will only take you so far before resentment and unhappiness sets in.
Your partner has ruled out any possibility of his mother returning home, that tells me you will be living with the MIL and more than likely caring for her for decades. RUN ..

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