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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel nad for being a rubbish hook up and maybe not pleasing him

23 replies

Bluejeansrose78 · 02/12/2024 08:15

Is it considered bad sex if it doesn’t last long? I recently hooked up with a guy who i’ve had a crush on for ages, he recently ended it with his ex and we hooked up a month or so after they ended, but when we ended up sleeping together the whole thing felt a bit rushed. He seemed to want to speed through everthing and the foreplay bits didnt last long and neither did the sex. I think the whole was about 10 mins max and even thoughhe finished, i didnt.

I know it may have been my fault that it wasnt that great, as i was overthinking everything and was self aware during it. He said that his room mate was due back soon and due to this I kind of started overthinking that I was going to get kicked out right after and I was just a rebound to him.

Also again my fault, but neither of us communicated properly what we liked, he did ask me what I like bit I kind of froze and didnt really answer. I’m more of a ‘lets have fun see what you like by me doing stuff when I first sleep with someone and then kind of open that discussion up more when i’m more comfortable and I think this is why he rushed stuff possibly, as he just wanted to get the job done.

OP posts:
UnrelatedTo · 02/12/2024 08:18

Why are you worried about not ‘pleasing him’? Look at who came and who didn’t.

Moonlightstars · 02/12/2024 08:19

Why are you feeling bad? Sounds like you didn't connect and he didn't know how to make it good for you?
First time sex with someone can often be rubbish.

BackOnTheAntibiotics · 02/12/2024 08:19

It all sounds a bit tawdry OP. Rushed and you got no pleasure and now you are left wondering WTF.

Has he been in touch?

The minute someone says you have to hurry for whatever reason, say you will leave it thanks. It was set up to be just a quickie but if he didn't give a crap about you, it sounds like a non starter.

gannett · 02/12/2024 08:19

Sounds like he was the rubbish hook up, not you?

Sometimes even when you fancy someone, the chemistry isn't there when you get them into bed. C'est la vie.

TheSilkWorm · 02/12/2024 08:21

It was just a mediocre hook up. Why do you feel bad about it? Possibly you could try again and it would get better after a few goes but I would chalk this one up to experience. Put it behind you and don't worry.

TwistedWonder · 02/12/2024 08:26

Sounds like he was happy with a quick shag and didn’t want anything more than that.

Why would that be your fault? Hook ups are all well and good if that’s your thing but if you want more than 5 pumps and a squirt then maybe be a bit more discerning and if someone wants a quicky while their flat mate is our, say ‘not now let’s wait til we’ve got more time’

leia24 · 02/12/2024 08:28

It sounds like it was shit and he was rushing.. don't give it any more thought it really isn't important

healthybychristmas · 02/12/2024 08:30

He was rubbish in bed and made sure he came and wasn't bothered about you. Why are you the one worrying now?

CandleStub · 02/12/2024 08:37

Are you students? Having the room mate due to come back was never going to make for a relaxed encounter.

I think you should maybe think about what you actually want. You describe it as a hook up but are also worrying about whether he’s on the rebound. If it’s just a hook up it’s supposed to be meaningless.

If you want fulfilling and meaningful sex, I’d suggest hook ups aren’t the way. As for whether you were to blame for how this one went, why would you be? He wanted a quick shag and that’s what he got. If you want something more- more time, more connection- that’s easier to find in a relationship rather than by being a “better hook up”.

Floranan · 02/12/2024 08:43

In my book there’s a difference between making love and have sex

that was sex, and very selfish and rather torrid sex at that.

i would run a mile

UnrelatedTo · 02/12/2024 08:45

Floranan · 02/12/2024 08:43

In my book there’s a difference between making love and have sex

that was sex, and very selfish and rather torrid sex at that.

i would run a mile

’Torrid’ doesn’t mean what you think it means.

Gillettethebest · 02/12/2024 08:47

BackOnTheAntibiotics · 02/12/2024 08:19

It all sounds a bit tawdry OP. Rushed and you got no pleasure and now you are left wondering WTF.

Has he been in touch?

The minute someone says you have to hurry for whatever reason, say you will leave it thanks. It was set up to be just a quickie but if he didn't give a crap about you, it sounds like a non starter.

This exactly.

I think it was what it was and you probably need to move on from it OP but next time ask yourself is this really what you want from a guy you’ve been crushing on?

The way this has happened, it doesn’t sound like there was much care or affection or connection. And it’s unlikely to turn into a “proper” thing but it depends - that may not have been what you’re looking for and you’re perfectly happy with a one night stand?
I can imagine the most this would turn into is FWB.

Okayornot · 02/12/2024 08:49

Why do you feel bad? If anyone is crap in bed it's him. He didn't get the job done at all.

honeylulu · 02/12/2024 08:54

Why are you feeling bad? He climaxed and didn't care that you didn't. It sounds like a quickie was all he had in mind and you might be right about it being a bit of "rebound fun" so he didn't need to impress you, sorry.

honeylulu · 02/12/2024 08:56

’Torrid’ doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Sorry to derail but when I was at primary school learning about the Torrid Zone I thought it must mean "terrible and horrid" and decided I didn't want to go there.

Floranan · 02/12/2024 09:03

honeylulu · 02/12/2024 08:56

’Torrid’ doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Sorry to derail but when I was at primary school learning about the Torrid Zone I thought it must mean "terrible and horrid" and decided I didn't want to go there.

This is my thought on the word, but maybe tawdry would have been a better word.

either way, it was a quickie with no feelings involved, not nice

pimplebum · 02/12/2024 09:06

He didn’t care about you coming and rushed so why are you heaping all the pressure to please him on you ?

what about him pleasing you ?

ManhattanPopcorn · 02/12/2024 09:09

Did you post this exact same post about a month ago?

UnrelatedTo · 02/12/2024 09:10

Floranan · 02/12/2024 09:03

This is my thought on the word, but maybe tawdry would have been a better word.

either way, it was a quickie with no feelings involved, not nice

Ok, well, feel free to Google.

And I don’t think sex has to involve feelings to be good. certainly not for me. When I was single and dating, I used to sleep with people very early on, so as to rule out the sexually incompatible or crap before going any further. Some of that sex was great, some not so much, but no feelings involved either way other than lust and curiosity.

Alibababandthe40sheets · 02/12/2024 09:11

Lots of men have been conditioned to believe that women who don’t make them wait for sex are women they can just use. I think it is more common for men to think like that than not imho. You deserve care and love and respect and mind blowing sex. I suggest without the first (care, love and respect) a lot of guys won’t bother to even try for the mind blowing sex part.

skilpadde · 02/12/2024 10:38

You posted about this sexual encounter three weeks ago. You're giving this man too much headspace. Why on earth are you concerned about whether you pleased him?

He's clearly absolutely shit in the sack. Write him off as a complete waste of space. You deserve decent sex... move on.

MaggieBsBoat · 02/12/2024 10:48

Yeah it’s not you. It’s him.

CandleStub · 02/12/2024 11:32

UnrelatedTo · 02/12/2024 09:10

Ok, well, feel free to Google.

And I don’t think sex has to involve feelings to be good. certainly not for me. When I was single and dating, I used to sleep with people very early on, so as to rule out the sexually incompatible or crap before going any further. Some of that sex was great, some not so much, but no feelings involved either way other than lust and curiosity.

Feelings were involved for OP though as she’s liked this guy for a long time. That’s the problem. Fine if it’s no strings for both of you but where one party feels emotionally involved and the other doesn’t, it’s a recipe for upset.

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