Help me unpick this - should we end things?

[Pinko1]

Firstly I want to prefix this by saying I love my partner. I have children, he doesn't. We have no plans to live with each other. We see each other two evenings a week plus part of the weekend. He is completely miserable without me though and i think deep down he wants someone who is more available to do things with him, normal couple things during the week.

I'm busy with children and work so i have no more time than this. We are in our early 50s. We love each other hugely, get on with the respective friends/families, genuinely really happy when together but I hate that he's permanently low without me/when he's not busy. I don't want to break up but is this workable?

I really wouldn't want anyone that dependent on me. Even if you were more "available " imagine being guilt tripped every time you want to go out with your friends or do a hobby you enjoy or see Grandchildren? What about when you are both retired, would he either stop you going out or insist on coming too all the time.
It sounds worse than a clingy toddler.

@MollyButton so he has hobbies which make him happy but it's the night stuff I think where you spend boring/normal evenings together after work, that's the bit he wants. And I think if we lived together, he wouldn't be like this, it's just we don't live together/no plans to (on both sides). It's like a no win situation.

Though writing this down has made me see things as if you want to make something work, you will.

You carry on doing what you do. He needs to stop being so dam needy. There's nothing worse.

What do you want? It’s not just about his wants. It feels like he’s trying to guilt trip you into living together before you’re ready.

You have offer commitments, he knew that when he met you so he needs to accept that.

Personally I’d find it really needy and off putting that a partner couldn’t cope with a few nights at home on their own. How did he manage before you met?

I think you’re incompatible in that even if you were together every day you might find that stifling. If you had a need to be with someone every day you’d be feeling similar to him.

I think, for some people, once they’ve lived alone and enjoyed that independence and having time on their own, to then cohabit full time can be the kiss of death for a relationship.

Seems like a red flag to me. He sounds very needy and you're being guilt tripped to commit more than you're ready to. The thing is, with people like this it's like a bottomless hole. You could spend another two evenings a week with him, or move in with him to pander to his 'lonely' feelings, but it will never be enough, he will still feel this 'lack' in some way that you will end up pandering to.

How do you know he’s “permanently low” without you?

He sounds whiny and dependent.

Tell him to pack it in. You are happy with things the way they are. If he isn’t, he has a decision to make.

He needs someone who's free to have a full relationship. You need someone who can be happy with just seeing each other every now and then. You are incompatible.

I agree - so the question is, why doesn't he realise that? Has he never had a long term relationship or a previous marriage?

If my DH left me or died I would never live with a man again. I think many women feel this way. Protect your life the way it makes you happy. It's up to him if that works for him or not.

He lived together with previous partners and enjoyed that. But now doesnt want to live with anyone but wants the perks of having someone more available