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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confused wife

16 replies

life3600 · 02/12/2024 00:11

I am with my husband for 11 years and have a lovely 6 year old. I am 35 and work and have a decent salary above 60k
My husband has admitted he had drinking problem , which is from before I came into his life.
I have no body from my family to go to and it's pretty much my husband and son and he knows it.
I feel confused in a sense with the person he is when he is sober and when he is drunk.
He drinks alone when he is home , like 8pm to 1am almost everyday , no one knows about his apart from a few friend in the past who are no more around.
I like to drink only in social set up with friends/ colleagues and in social set up my husband wouldn't drink . I feel he makes me look like I am the one who drinks and has a problem while he doesn't drink.
Lately his personality is confusing me to my wits end .
Ex:1
When sober he would admire me and say how hard you work and support the family , I appreciate you being a working women. I don't get how women don't work.
When drunk he would say, women do favors and reach the top they know their way , i appreciate timid women who look after family etc Uk prefer that, you are not innocent , you are a go getter , you will make your way and get it .
Ex:2
When sober he would complain his parents don't care about our son and don't visit very often and don't support financialy or emotionally.
When drunk he would say, I don't want a penny from my parents in inheritance , I'm self sufficient , I pity people who expect from
Parents ( indirectly commenting on me bcz my views are diff , although 0 penny in inheritance)
Ex: 3
When sober he would say we are so busy in life we don't get time to spend together, we should hire a baby sitter once a month and go out , we should make our sex life exciting
When drunk he would say , I'm not interested in you , you don't attract me and please satisfy yourself as I am not interested in you from years. I made a mistake by marrying you.
Ex 4:
When sober he would say I appreciate our life and what we have achieved in these 11 years i couldn't have done without you .
When drunk he would say , you are a gold digger , you knew what you are signing up for and you wanted this life , you are a smart women .
There are many such instances and only recently I am analysing this in deep. I am pretty much back to my preparing self recently mentally, although always employed and chipping in family income.
Last time I filled up divorce application in frustration but didn't sign it. I felt like ending my life as I mentioned it's my husband and my son only in my life.
I don't know where I am going wrong or who is wrong here . Need a third person view on this. Thankyou!

OP posts:
username358 · 02/12/2024 00:27

There's not much to be confused about. He's an alcoholic and has been for years.

Alcoholism tends to escalate in time and you've been abandoned for drink.

When he's drunk he's talking nonsense so I wouldn't take any notice. Alcoholism creates a very dysfunctional home. It might help to look up the effects of having an alcoholic parent on a child.

You cannot change an alcoholic and have no control over it.

Researching co-dependence might be helpful as well as looking into Al Alon.

Original poster
life3600 · 02/12/2024 00:35

username358 · 02/12/2024 00:27

There's not much to be confused about. He's an alcoholic and has been for years.

Alcoholism tends to escalate in time and you've been abandoned for drink.

When he's drunk he's talking nonsense so I wouldn't take any notice. Alcoholism creates a very dysfunctional home. It might help to look up the effects of having an alcoholic parent on a child.

You cannot change an alcoholic and have no control over it.

Researching co-dependence might be helpful as well as looking into Al Alon.

I appreciate your reply.
I must say he is a good father and doing everything he can hence mentioned the drinking window 8pm - 1 am. My son adores him and probably prefers him over me :)
It's me who is suffering I believe because I work hard and all I need is to chill in the evening may be watch Netflix or snuggle up but every other day we have this drinking gala going on which he seems to enjoy.

OP posts:
Original poster
life3600 · 02/12/2024 00:38

username358 · 02/12/2024 00:27

There's not much to be confused about. He's an alcoholic and has been for years.

Alcoholism tends to escalate in time and you've been abandoned for drink.

When he's drunk he's talking nonsense so I wouldn't take any notice. Alcoholism creates a very dysfunctional home. It might help to look up the effects of having an alcoholic parent on a child.

You cannot change an alcoholic and have no control over it.

Researching co-dependence might be helpful as well as looking into Al Alon.

I would also like to add he double than me and works even harder than me.
We both work from home and are together 24*7

OP posts:
username358 · 02/12/2024 00:39

That's great OP. Don't consider the fact that your husband's drinking will get worse and that you're enabling him. Or that he's spending family money on booze or that he's pissed and rambling nonsense or that he may be secretly drinking.

Chloe42 · 02/12/2024 00:41

Drunks and children speak the truth.
His real thoughts are the drunk
Outpourings. He has no respect for you and I'd kick him to the kerb.

Garlicwest · 02/12/2024 00:46

Good lord, don't end your life!! You have a child who loves and needs you, you're doing well at work, you've got everything going for you except an addicted husband.

I have read what you relate about your husband's character change when drunk. I've known a lot of drunks, and I believe the saying in vino veritas - people show their real selves under the influence. However, it's not always straightforward.

Looking at what your husband's saying, it wouldn't surprise me if he has a deep-seated sense of unworthiness (and knowing he's a drunk will make that worse). So, perhaps, when he gets at you or devalues your life together, he's actually expressing that he doesn't feel this nice life can be his, it must be a fake because he doesn't deserve it.

All that's academic, though: your immediate problem is that you're married to a spouse who is leaving you for alcohol. Addictions are terribly sad for everyone involved, but nobody can fix them except the addict himself.

Have you heard of 'rock bottom'? It's the point at which an addict's life becomes so intolerable that they face the fact they will have to get help and stop using. Some addicts, tragically, never feel they've reached that point. Some others, though, reach it when their nice lives start to fall apart.

This means the best chance you can give him is to end the marriage. It might be enough to prompt his recovery.

It might not. But, whatever else, it's the best chance you can give yourself and your son. It's horrible for a child to grow up with an addict, it always damages them. And you have responsibilities; you shouldn't be investing your efforts in a person who is no longer able to appreciate or want your help. Go and be successful. Without him.

Original poster
life3600 · 02/12/2024 00:50

Chloe42 · 02/12/2024 00:41

Drunks and children speak the truth.
His real thoughts are the drunk
Outpourings. He has no respect for you and I'd kick him to the kerb.

I agree, I am of the same opinion and have mentioned it to him . Where he would laugh it out as he wouldn't even remember what he said.
Often found on the sofa in the morning by my son. He would then go to explain he was working late and fell asleep on the couch.

OP posts:
Original poster
life3600 · 02/12/2024 00:59

Garlicwest · 02/12/2024 00:46

Good lord, don't end your life!! You have a child who loves and needs you, you're doing well at work, you've got everything going for you except an addicted husband.

I have read what you relate about your husband's character change when drunk. I've known a lot of drunks, and I believe the saying in vino veritas - people show their real selves under the influence. However, it's not always straightforward.

Looking at what your husband's saying, it wouldn't surprise me if he has a deep-seated sense of unworthiness (and knowing he's a drunk will make that worse). So, perhaps, when he gets at you or devalues your life together, he's actually expressing that he doesn't feel this nice life can be his, it must be a fake because he doesn't deserve it.

All that's academic, though: your immediate problem is that you're married to a spouse who is leaving you for alcohol. Addictions are terribly sad for everyone involved, but nobody can fix them except the addict himself.

Have you heard of 'rock bottom'? It's the point at which an addict's life becomes so intolerable that they face the fact they will have to get help and stop using. Some addicts, tragically, never feel they've reached that point. Some others, though, reach it when their nice lives start to fall apart.

This means the best chance you can give him is to end the marriage. It might be enough to prompt his recovery.

It might not. But, whatever else, it's the best chance you can give yourself and your son. It's horrible for a child to grow up with an addict, it always damages them. And you have responsibilities; you shouldn't be investing your efforts in a person who is no longer able to appreciate or want your help. Go and be successful. Without him.

Edited

I agree on the vino veritas and mentioned it to him which he ignores as he doesn't remember much of it.
After 11 years I took the step to fill the divorce application but didn't sign up as there is no coming back then. I feel I want to try everything . Honestly , I have spoken to him several times , even tried to cook early and have dinner early as I figured he wouldn't drink if he has had a meal .
He prefers afternoon sex ( whenever it is once in 4 months ) as evening he prefers his ME time with drinks and music . I hate it as we work from home and I have my work mode ON.
I used to be upset but now I leave it to him and wrap up my evenings with my son but sometimes I loose it and confront him which makes it ugly to a point that I filled the divorce statement .

OP posts:
blackpooolrock · 02/12/2024 12:06

Have you ever spoke together about him getting treatment for his alcoholism?

I think when he's drunk he doesn't really know what he's saying. I know some people say drunks tell the truth and i agree with that if the person has only had 2 or 3 but if they're 3 sheets to the wind i think its just garbled nonsense.

Original poster
life3600 · 02/12/2024 12:40

blackpooolrock · 02/12/2024 12:06

Have you ever spoke together about him getting treatment for his alcoholism?

I think when he's drunk he doesn't really know what he's saying. I know some people say drunks tell the truth and i agree with that if the person has only had 2 or 3 but if they're 3 sheets to the wind i think its just garbled nonsense.

Thankyou for your reply. We have spoken about it and he has attended webinars etc , his take on helping was keep dinner ready and leave him alone.
After webinars and meetings he would go cold turkey for a month or so bragging about it and then trip back to the usual self.
I have tried distancing myself from him and also being there for him always, been emotional, tried being angry with silent treatment or even suggesting therapy but somehow he prefers his drinks and the next morning he is his happy self back on track , working hard being lovely with our kid etc
While it affects me as soon as he pours first drink as I can anticipate the evening then.

OP posts:
ARichtGoodDram · 02/12/2024 12:48

How old is your son?

Don't kid yourself that he doesn't know what's going on.

If you can't make the break for your own sake (because although you don't realise it because you've been worn down you do deserve better!) can you try it for your sons sake

You don't want him to think this is what he should aim for in life

Original poster
life3600 · 02/12/2024 12:57

ARichtGoodDram · 02/12/2024 12:48

How old is your son?

Don't kid yourself that he doesn't know what's going on.

If you can't make the break for your own sake (because although you don't realise it because you've been worn down you do deserve better!) can you try it for your sons sake

You don't want him to think this is what he should aim for in life

6 years old, My husband is amazing with him, play with him, takes him to classes , cooks for him, feeds him , totally invested in him , both of us chip in 50:50 ;for everything in the house, even when he is drunk and talking he will speak highly of our child and I can feel how much he loves him.
He does vape in front of him and drinks in front of him in evening and often my son finds him on the couch in the morning passed out.
As soon as he wakes up he would behave normal and back to chores and life.
I have recently started thinking about this in deep because I don't see this ending , I feel lonely no one to talk to and I'm putting efforts for nothing.

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 02/12/2024 13:06

You need to restart the divorce process. He has no interest in stopping and will be a functioning alcoholic, until he can't functioning any more. Save yourself and your little boy from emotional harm.

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2024 13:37

life3600 · 02/12/2024 00:50

I agree, I am of the same opinion and have mentioned it to him . Where he would laugh it out as he wouldn't even remember what he said.
Often found on the sofa in the morning by my son. He would then go to explain he was working late and fell asleep on the couch.

Show quote history

He must stink of booze! Don't believe it won't be noticed

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2024 13:39

life3600 · 02/12/2024 12:57

6 years old, My husband is amazing with him, play with him, takes him to classes , cooks for him, feeds him , totally invested in him , both of us chip in 50:50 ;for everything in the house, even when he is drunk and talking he will speak highly of our child and I can feel how much he loves him.
He does vape in front of him and drinks in front of him in evening and often my son finds him on the couch in the morning passed out.
As soon as he wakes up he would behave normal and back to chores and life.
I have recently started thinking about this in deep because I don't see this ending , I feel lonely no one to talk to and I'm putting efforts for nothing.

Show quote history

Your husband is not amazing. He is not a good father.

He is a drunk and he's not even hiding it now

Get those divorce papers out again

Original poster
life3600 · 04/12/2024 11:42

life3600 · 02/12/2024 00:11

I am with my husband for 11 years and have a lovely 6 year old. I am 35 and work and have a decent salary above 60k
My husband has admitted he had drinking problem , which is from before I came into his life.
I have no body from my family to go to and it's pretty much my husband and son and he knows it.
I feel confused in a sense with the person he is when he is sober and when he is drunk.
He drinks alone when he is home , like 8pm to 1am almost everyday , no one knows about his apart from a few friend in the past who are no more around.
I like to drink only in social set up with friends/ colleagues and in social set up my husband wouldn't drink . I feel he makes me look like I am the one who drinks and has a problem while he doesn't drink.
Lately his personality is confusing me to my wits end .
Ex:1
When sober he would admire me and say how hard you work and support the family , I appreciate you being a working women. I don't get how women don't work.
When drunk he would say, women do favors and reach the top they know their way , i appreciate timid women who look after family etc Uk prefer that, you are not innocent , you are a go getter , you will make your way and get it .
Ex:2
When sober he would complain his parents don't care about our son and don't visit very often and don't support financialy or emotionally.
When drunk he would say, I don't want a penny from my parents in inheritance , I'm self sufficient , I pity people who expect from
Parents ( indirectly commenting on me bcz my views are diff , although 0 penny in inheritance)
Ex: 3
When sober he would say we are so busy in life we don't get time to spend together, we should hire a baby sitter once a month and go out , we should make our sex life exciting
When drunk he would say , I'm not interested in you , you don't attract me and please satisfy yourself as I am not interested in you from years. I made a mistake by marrying you.
Ex 4:
When sober he would say I appreciate our life and what we have achieved in these 11 years i couldn't have done without you .
When drunk he would say , you are a gold digger , you knew what you are signing up for and you wanted this life , you are a smart women .
There are many such instances and only recently I am analysing this in deep. I am pretty much back to my preparing self recently mentally, although always employed and chipping in family income.
Last time I filled up divorce application in frustration but didn't sign it. I felt like ending my life as I mentioned it's my husband and my son only in my life.
I don't know where I am going wrong or who is wrong here . Need a third person view on this. Thankyou!

I wanted to put an update out here .
I have spoken to my husband about divorce and moving out till then, explained him how stressed I am and how it affects my work and my life , also that he is pushing me take some steps that I probably don't want to do if I am sane. I was firm for few days meanwhile I was listening podcasts and research about alcoholics.

He was embarrassed and apologetic and asked for a last chance. He also suggested if he does it again , I should call the police.
I must say it took a lot of convincing.

To help him in this , I have suggested meditation and he has signed up for one in feb for 10 days , last time he did it 10 years ago he was able to give up smoking ( although started vaping)
He is certain this will help.
I am going to give it a try and pray for my family.
Thankyou everyone who took time to comment as I did learn new things and perspective about alcoholism and the situation I am in. Thankyou!!!!

OP posts:
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