Struggling To End Relationship

[playdays4364]

Anyone stay in a relationship much longer than they should have?

I am struggling to bring myself to end this now terrible relationship with my husband. I have two dc - one young teen and one primary aged.

It has not been good for a long while. Don't want to go into detail but essentially it would be best if it ends. I know it isn't necessarily good for dc to continue like this.

I had a traumatic childhood and learnt at an early age no matter how difficult the relationship you stick with it. I also have some mental health issues relating to childhood trauma which I am addressing. I seem to hide behind a myriad of excuses, some of which are just that - excuses. I'm guessing my upbringing probably adds to my difficulties. I have entered into therapy but it is early days.

Husband doesn't seem to want to initiate the ending of the relationship and it seems like it is left to me to do this. I am struggling with being seen as the bad one in the eyes of the dc for breaking up the family which is what I am being set up for. Struggling with the guilt and shame.

It's not encouragement I'm needing nor reinforcement of negative impact on dc. I understand all this. Hoping to hear from others who have been in a similar situation.

I am still married and should have ended it 3 years ago. He’s done/said a couple of things recently that I don’t think I should have to put up with, I wouldn’t treat him that way, but splitting is such a huge thing that I struggle to face it.
He makes my life easier in one way, I’m financially safe with him, and I don’t want to be alone in old age, but why should I have to sacrifice my happiness for that .

Dusty I've read your posts over the months as we have had this in common for a while and often when I post, you do too (I've name changed).

That's exactly it, my life is easier in a way including financially and with some pratical aspects as I have youngish dc and it is having that other parent on hand (no other support in real life apart from a few friends who will lend a listening ear). Staying enhances the quality of life in one way and it is trading this off to have peace. I need peace and it is getting to the point where the trade off for the better bits is getting too much because it has grown increasingly toxic.

I'm less worried about being alone in old age. This is being alone for me. I feel extremely alone knowing that things aren't right. Treading on egg shells and all the rest of it. I have come to the conclusion that it would be better and more peaceful to be alone though I have to admit, I do find the prospect of being alone very daunting after having someone there for a very long time. No-one to lock the front door. I think the no-one to lock the door is saying having no-one to pick up some of the pieces.

I initiated a split with my husband October after 32 years together. After a rollercoaster first few weeks, I can honestly say I'm thriving. I'm full of energy, loving life, so many options and possibilities now for thriving future ✨️ it's the best thing I have ever done in my life. And people understand. You're not the bad one if there's no infidelity. I would honestly say go for it. I'm 55 soon and having the time of my life.

I went back after a trial separation and now regret it. Circumstances make it much harder to leave now. I am so insanely angry at myself for going back but not sure I can face doing it again. Feeling very low and like I've had my chance at life and I've blown it.

We have one life, we shouldn’t have to compromise.

Peachy Good to hear. And, I hear what you are saying about the other side of things but I'm guessing you haven't got youngish dc to consider. Yes, they may be another excuse but it makes it seem far, far more difficult than if it were just me and I have so much mentally to work through here. The eldest dc will be less affected in this because they are beginning to develop a life outside of the home but the youngest (7 year old) being dropped off every other weekend or whatever the arrangement turns out to be, feels awful to contemplate.

Ms Goodenough Try not to be angry with yourself. All of this seems insanely difficult. I am trying not to berate myself for not yet ripping the plaster off. I'm trying to be patient with myself in spite of sort of witnessing myself being stuck and not pulling myself out. If you've done it once you could do it again? Sometimes you've got to have a few goes at something before you give up. I really hope it works out for you. I feel low, things have become even more negative on the run up to Christmas (which I dread but determined to make the best of it for dc). I'm needing to go back on anti-depressants in spite of not taking them for a long while. I could get annoyed at myself about this too but I figure they might help me work through some stuff.

Dusty I quite agree with your statement. Life seems to always be about comprimise though doesn't it...just look at buying a home. Unless you have a lot of money you usually have to trade one thing off against another. I understand your sentiment. I don't want my life to slip away in this state. Life is precious. And this isn't living really it's more like existing. I feel like I'm treading on egg shells in my own home. I long for greater peace and it isn't going to happen in this house.

My boys are 22, 19 and 13 so yes older and really seem to understand the situation, and think this is a good solution. I completely understand your dilemma, I stayed for far too long to get them all to the right ages. Presumably you're a lot younger than me. So you've got plenty of time i guess. Do what is right for you, no judgement. Just saying the joy I feel right now at being completely free for perhaps the first time ever in my life cannot be underestimated. It's a lovely feeling.

Don't hold your self back from anything you want in life.
you will live to regret it.
You have 1 chance at life, live it how you want too, kids or no kids, your life matters and your feelings matter. Your kids grow up and move on with there life, you don't want to be left stuck in a position you don't want to be in.
Think about your self, your aloud too.

Peachy Yes, this is exactly it. My older dc is a similar age to yours, however, I had dc2 later in life. I am slightly younger than you but not massively as I had dc late but actually 55 was my goal to get to age before making a move initially which seems very in line with you. I can't see myself waiting out as I first planned but I think you understand the thing about getting youngest dc a bit older. Are you glad you did this, waited a bit longer? Presumably your thoughts were along the lines of getting your youngest dc to secondary school age. Did you want to get anything else in line before you made the move? How did you cope once you knew you wanted to leave but decided to wait? Sorry, so many questions but all of this can feel isolating.

Kaylee Yes, I understand your sentiment. You are very right about the dc leaving home and having lives of their own. In a lot of other ways I have a fulfilling life. Building a social network and interesting interests and project. My current lifestyle allows for this (financial and practical support) whereas I could struggle otherwise. So there is very much a weighing up to be done. However, there is no doubt in my mind what I need to do now. I feel like I've got a lot to process over the coming months.

It was very bloody hard tbh. I was so depressed, completely had to lock down all my feelings, was like a stepford wife. Wanted to get older boys settled and younger one in secondary school. But I was just existing rather than living.

I mean, it all worked out, so I can't say I wish I'd done it earlier. It's so hard to make that decisive step. Fears of everyone hating you, of kids being traumatised. Actually none of that happened so my fears were stopping me acting.

And now I'm so peaceful and happy. I'm free for the first time perhaps ever in my life. I can do whatever I want to do. No judgement from anyone, noone can tell me what to do. It's a glorious feeling. Ask away, ask anything else you need to know. My female friends have supported me every step of the way. I have been very lucky in that respect. I'd be happy to support you if you need it 💗

It was very bloody hard tbh. I was so depressed, completely had to lock down all my feelings, was like a stepford wife. Wanted to get older boys settled and younger one in secondary school. But I was just existing rather than living.
I mean, it all worked out, so I can't say I wish I'd done it earlier. It's so hard to make that decisive step. Fears of everyone hating you, of kids being traumatised. Actually none of that happened so my fears were stopping me acting.

Thank you so much peachy. You've nailed a lot of how I feel. Worrying about potentially traumatising dc (although they are experiencing some of that now and fear of being the bad guy which is what I'm being set up for. I know my fears are limiting me and it is reassuring to hear someone has had a similar experience. Your post is inspirational, I'm sure you are helping a lot of other ladies who are also struggling with this. I will refer back to this post from time to time and I'm glad I've posted. Can't think of any further questions at the moment but if anything else comes to mind, advice or experience of your journey I would be pleased to hear it.

I can totally understand why it’s harder to leave when you are married with kids. From what you have described, your children also know the situation you are in is not right, so please make a plan and get out for yourself and their sakes. It will be really shit for a bit while you find your feet but in the longer term it will be better for all of you.

I have a similar background to you, a very unstable home life, no male role model to look up to and no positive relationships to model my own on. Fundamentally none of this matters, it’s easy to hide behind it as getting out and breaking the cycle is scary. The fact you know what a bad relationship looks like, means you must know what a good one looks like too, that’s the kind of relationship you and your children deserve, make sure to tell yourself that.

Your husbands reaction (or lack of it) is entirely unsurprising. I have known so many male friends and acquaintances over the years who are unhappy in their relationship, but not unhappy enough to actually leave. So they wait it out until their partner pulls the plug. Classic behaviour in my experience.

if it helps to hear stories from others, I left a marriage after a relatively short time (we had been together years), I realised my exH was never going to change and I left (it was so hard but in the end I had to ask myself why I was sacrificing my happiness for his, I didn’t have a good answer!). It was easier for me to go as I was childless and we didn’t have a house or anything, but I would have left regardless of that tbh. As others have said, you only get to live once, I don’t want to have any massive regrets. Almost a decade on from that, life is great, I have a DC and a partner who respects and treats me as an equal.

You can do this OP!

Bluescrunchies The fact you know what a bad relationship looks like, means you must know what a good one looks like too, that’s the kind of relationship you and your children deserve, make sure to tell yourself that.

Thank you for your insight. I understand what you mean about hiding behind things. I am aware I am doing this to a large extent. However, I don't think I do necessarily know what a good relationship looks like. I ask myself this a lot. I believe I am married to someone with an avoidant personality and have been able to avoid my own feelings to some extent in doing so. Also, no proper opportunity to develop conflict resolution. Not being able to see what is "normal" what is acceptable even, when it is just normal to you because that is what you have got used to. I'm glad it worked out well for you.

OP you can make the choice. You say (more than once) you are being set up to be the bad guy.
Challenge this thinking as it's holding you back. If your H is purposely doing/saying things to imply that you are malicious or uncaring then perhaps you need to leave sooner so that the behaviour ends.