Confused and need advice

[Downbadcryingatthegym]

Have been thinking of breaking up for a long time. My partner has been emotionally abusive in the past and punched walls. He has been quite horrible to me but has tried to improve. I think from my side too much has gone on to forget. We had an argument today as he hurt the dog when she disobeyed him by sending her flying by pulling the lead. This led to a big argument and he is telling me how abusive I am to him, putting him down all the time and undermining him. That I'm selfish and just want to be miserable so find things to fight with him about. Says I'll be the same in my next relationship etc. Deep down I think I know it's not true but he really gets under my skin and makes me think I am the problem. I feel I am a good person and he has worn me down so maybe I am critical of him. I don't know I just find it so hard to understand how he thinks I'm abusive to him and then I begin to doubt everything I know and can't think of any of the stuff he's done to me. Just feel so worn down but not sure I am strong enough to end things for good, just need some advice.

Punching walls, hurting a dog and being horrible to you is all on him. I'm concerned that he is somehow trying to make you think that these things are somehow your fault.

What does your gut feeling tell you to do?

Hey, I'm dealing with a narcissist break up. It is so horrible and the most painful thing ever, mentally and physically. I was on and off with him for 6 years and there were so many red flags, like yours, and many more and things he said but I never was strong enough to walk away. He would scream at me many times to leave his house telling me to 'f off' and I'll never leave. Until 2 weeks ago out of no where he suddenly started to ignore me, with no closure, only replying twice to my messages telling me he'll ring me soon and he’s sorry i feel hurt and incomplete. I was sending messages daily and trying to call until day 8 I looked at the thread of messages and thought I can't keep doing this. He is living his life like nothing has happened on social media posting as normal, looks rather happy while I am suffering because I was never too strong to leave. I wish I took the signs God gave me but when your so in love you become so blinded. Follow your heart and gut feeling because it never lies, I knew it was over years ago but I just couldn't walk away... I wanted closure so bad but now I just want peace, I can never give myself to someone like that again because when they leave you feel Iike your nothing. My self worth is basically on the floor. I need to start loving myself... He also said to me many times in arguments that no one will ever accept me because of how crazy I am not realising that I Would simply be expressing that I was unhappy with something such as being in contact with girls he had a fling with a few years ago and on our break calling me insecure. Emotional abuse is real.

Honestly my gut tells me to leave and I think about leaving on an almost.daily basis. Then we have a conversation like this and I doubt myself and think maybe I'm the horrible one and need to try harder

He is a typical example or the dynamic in Karpman Drama triangle- first he is in Persecutor role- punching walls, hurting a dog and being aggressive towards you, then moving into Victim role- how you made him do it all and it is your fault that he is behaving like that.

There are always two sides to the story, however he is evidently mentally and physically abusive towards you and the dog and as well as being very aggressive. Unless he will seek out help to deal with his issues, it is quiet possible that the situation will get worst.
You need to ask yourself questions:

• What would my life look like in a year time if I stay with him?
• On a scale from 1 to 10 how happy am I?
• What stops me from leaving?
• Will he ever take responsibility for his actions?

None of this is your fault, even if you putting him down all the time and undermining him, it is his decision how he responds to it. He could sit you down and have a chat about how your behaviour makes him feel, he could walk away, he could silently let you get on it with it, he chose to be aggressive and abusive.
Solely his decision.
Now you have yours to make. Listen to your gut.

Where are you on the practicalities? Do you both own the house? Children?

I think you know this isn't you. Try to visualise yourself away from this relationship, peaceful in life and not having to live with the daily doubt.

I know deep down it's not right and I may have acted horrible to him more recently which has never been intentional but I honestly feel worn down and unhappy. Stuck in a horrible cycle and I just need to break it but it feels so difficult even though I am miserable. I do question why he hasn't ever tried to end things if I'm as horrible as he says that I am. I think he is just trying to wear me down so I then think I'm the problem and don't leave but it's very manipulative so it works. I just really want to be strong enough to leave now. I think my.self esteem is shot so if I was stronger in myself, I would know that he's just playing on my self doubt. Either way I don't think he is ever going to change, all the change seems to be on me.
Both own the house and no kids so the practical parts can be sorted and not excuses for me to stay any more

I honestly don't think your in the wrong but it is possible his behaviour brings out the worst in you. It's a sign of incompatibility.

It's really just another reason to move on.

'Honestly my gut tells me to leave and I think about leaving on an almost.daily basis. Then we have a conversation like this and I doubt myself and think maybe I'm the horrible one and need to try harder'

HE HURT THE DOG!

What WILL it take for you to leave? You'll be next in his list of things to hurt if you don't get yourself away from him. Don't listen to anything he says, HE is the monster, not you.

Coercive control is a pattern of abuse that leads to entrapment. It leads you to become so worn down and self doubting that it makes it extremely difficult to leave. It is very destructive and will only continue to wear you down.

Ask yourself this - if this was a regular, healthy relationship, do you think you would feel so confused and unsure about whether you should leave or not? This chronic cycle you are in is actually a sign that you have been experiencing paychological abuse.

Leaving is a process that you build up to over time so just atart taking one step after the other. There are lots of things you can do to start the process. Maybe take a break from talking to him about your concerns and document what is happening in a journal. You can seek help from Women's Aid or someone trained in abuse/dimestic violence. Or you can start by reading up online about coercive control and emotional abuse

What you are writing about here are classic signs of domestic violence and these situations generally just get worse and worse over time, so I hope you do start to make your plan to get out.

OP, even if it were true that you're the horrible one (you're not), that would still be a reason to leave this dysfunctional relationship

I think you're right. Thank you these responses have really helped me in a very anxious time and give me some clarity

Does being with him, make you happy?
Does being with you, make him happy?
Sounds like a No/No: Lose/Lose.
You need to break the cycle, reset: Not change yourself to make life tolerable.
Time to find your happy

I have told him it's over. Just can't take it any longer and need something to change

Good for you OP. Give it time but your life will become infinitely better sooner than you know. Just stick with your resolve.

You sound so sad... what will make you happy? Will staying in this relationship be something that you want for the rest of your life? If not.. you're wasting your good years. You'll never be as young as you are right now..
I left my first husband after feeling so dragged down. I was prepared to be alone and was happy on my own. It was actually a relief to be alone. Did meet another guy unexpectedly and he's the complete opposite of my ex. Actually makes me happy.

Go find your happy. Start with chasing something you've always wanted to do.. whether that's the gym, a class or study, some kind of hobby. When he opposes you do it anyway, be unapologetic.. do it for you. Give yourself some space and show yourself what you can achieve. When you're ready... you go.

You’re just not good together. Both of you are unhappy. Take the poor dog with you! The guy is an emotionally disregulated cock.

Now book a holiday. Give yourself something positive to look forward to 😁