What to do..

[Mammalys]

To try and keep this short.. my DH and I have worked pretty much 7 days a week here in australia for the last 3 yrs to establish my business. It's now doing well enough to put a manager on. We are both exhausted. We have 3 teenage kids between us - blended family.

The only thing that has kept me going is promising myself that we will have a relaxing holiday in Jan 2025.

Back story.. DH hasn't seen his family for many many years. He is from the UK. His mother left him at age 15 and moved to Canada. His father left and moved to new Zealand. They left him in the UK aged 15. At times he was a homeless teenager before he managed to find his grandmother who he went to live with. I find this despicable of his parents.. his mother even lodged with the govt that he is emancipated. He ran away so he couldnt be placed in a foster home. Fast forward and he's seen her a couple times but she makes zero effort to keep in touch. It's always him and he's always craved the relationship. I wouldn't be able to forgive her myself.

All of a sudden we hear from DHs younger sister.. who was taken with mum when she left the UK. She says mum has regrets and wants to see him.. she requests we go to Canada in June 2025. I worked out for us and the kids it'll cost us around 20k. They live in the middle of no where so we won't even get to see Canada.

I'm a bit heart broken and feel like I have no choice. He is dead set that we have to go which means we can't have a relaxing holiday in January.

Am I being selfish here.. ? I can see how badly he wants to reconcile.. but I feel angry at them on his behalf. I've never met them before.

He should go alone.

I think it's very difficult for you all.

But I do think your DH deserves your support in this. It must be a bombshell for him.

There is no telling how this reunion will pan out. What feelings it will reignite for him. It may well be a total nightmare and after the initial meeting he might decide never to see his birth family again.

But I do think given his traumatic youth and the way his family seem to have totally let him down at such a young age then you being there for him when he meets his mother is really really important.

I think he should go alone too.
There has to be a compromise in this and that seems a sensible one.

Also spending £20k to visit a woman who totally abandoned him at 15.

Why can't she do the leg work if she's so keen to reunite with him?

Why does he have to spend $$$$$$s when she fucked up big time.

And I mean...yeah. This too.

Honestly if his mum has regrets she should be putting her hands in her pockets and paying for you to go, or travelling herself. After all she's saved years of £ from not supporting him as a child!

Personally I wouldn't be happy with my DH doing that, I'd probably sit him down and say I wasn't changing our family plans for that (keeping the Jan holiday) and if he can figure out a way that doesn't impact the family for him to go alone in June then he can.

Not sure why she's having sudden regrets but not seeing him for seven months 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think him going on his own makes sense.

Or travel to Canada but you guys do tourist things while he meets up with her.

The second part of the quoted post. Seeing his mum/parents after all the dreadful things that happened is going to be highly emotional, whether the visit is good or bad. He will need all of your support to cope with it I’m sure and possibly some form of counselling when he gets home. Please don’t make him go through such a difficult experience unsupported.

Thanks guys.. there are various opinions here which reflects why I'm conflicted about it.
We havnt been anywhere for 4 years so when I've been at breaking point over and over with working so hard, the relaxing holiday was the one thing that helped me picked myself back up and keep going.

I'm incensed that she expects 5 of us to travel to her in the first instance.. he hasn't seen her in about 20 years. She doesn't even call on his birthday. I just KNOW that it will be another kick in the guts and another failure for him... even in asking to see us she has failed to make any effort. She is healthy, able bodied and still works. It's not like she's elderly or sickly.

He will never go there alone, without me. He has some residual abandonment issues and would need me there.

Initially I was okay with going if we could stay elsewhere and do some tourist stuff as well but they are literally two solid days drive from anywhere and no accommodation. We would have to stay in their house and nothing else to do. Myself and the kids have never been to Canada... DHs daughter has never been overseas before. The flight is over 20 hrs..

If I say no, I don't think I'll ever be forgiven. It's already causing tension.