Why am I such a mug?

[Jinglebells247]

NC. Very long for more info.
TLDR- DP takes the p and I've enabled it for 15 years. But when it's good its really good because he is loving, generous, caring, a good dad, fair share of childcare, encourages me to go out, works hard, does housework and food shopping etc. But benders are breaking me and I cba with this behaviour and it's like it will never end.

I'd like absolute strangers to give me a harsh reality check because idk why the hell I put up with this.

DP has a history of going off and leaving me 2/3 days to go on benders in the past. Doesn't do this now. 24 hours is the max I'd say. It was the pub and back to houses- alcohol and cocaine socially with friends who are all the same. I'd be left broken in tears bla bla, repetitive cycle with the kids. He works full time and never effected their work or ability to provide an income.

I feel like I don't want to not be with him cos I'm jealous?! Maybe idk, that he will then meet with people I dislike and that they will all laugh behind my back. I know this sounds pathetic and I need to get a grip. Also we have a mortgage, kids, toddler to teens. We couldn't uproot the kids due to some health issues and we couldn't afford 2 properties even renting. We don't argue in front of kids. Kids sometimes say where's dad. Oldest says did dad not come home. DP isn't alcohol dependent and goes at times 4+ months without drinking if he decides to sometimes for health, sometimes because he says he's been taking the p and one leads to another (I don't tell him not to). But he enjoys drinking socially, is very popular and likes to go out.

I have a part time job but I'm on sick atm. For depression. Nursery will be needed for 2 when/if I return. We get UC support for childcare costs but its still v expensive. I don't have what I would call good family and friends support. But I do have a few close friends, 1 close family member, 1 close in law. I wouldn't want to put on them too much as they have their own issues and responsibilities like everyone.

DP recently started drinking more again socially, maybe because of the time of year, denies drugs. Sometimes in 7am. He thinks this isn't an issue as long as he's home and that he doesn't have a curfew or need to tell me when be back incase he's longer to avoid being back later (that I'm not his mother, thats controlling etc).

He's not as bad as he used to be but still we have these situations that leave me feeling emotionally and mentally drained. Tbh I've partially been emotionally checking out recently, I think as a way of dealing with it or it could be the antidepressants numbing me.

What are people's opinions on this situation?

Wants to behave like a teenager without any responsibilities!
Calls you a nag when pulled up on it.
You'd be better off without this.
Are you married and do have kids together?

My opinion is that he's an alcoholic and your head is so buried in the sand you can see Australia.

Alcoholics don't need to drink all the time to be alcoholics and can often stop for short periods.

His behaviour is very selfish as he's leaving you to look after his children while he goes on benders spending family money.

I would look into Al Alon and read up on codependency.

This is true.
And then justifies it by saying no one else is bothered. Says his mates do it and they don't even help at home like he does.
Says his mates partners don't care. Probably because most of them have teens and can do as they wish or because their partners also like to take drugs.

Yes married and kids toddler to teens ages.
I just feel fed up but don't see a way out with a mortgage and not being able to afford 2 homes even renting.
No family for either if us to stay with either.

I'd never go off and not come home. He's suggested that I go away for the night to a hotel, break, holiday so it's not that I can't do things. More the stuff he does I find disrespectful.

I feel like when will this end. 10, 20, 30 years time. What a waste of my life. But idk how to gwt out of this situation when we are stuck financially.

Thank you I will look into this

Unfortunately it seems you are in a toxic, co-dependent marriage to an alcoholic drug user. If you want to leave, you need to work out how that can be achieved. Work out how it looks on current finances and then look for other sources of income.

What are you doing about your depression - meds/therapy? You may find that your depression is caused by the situation you are in, especially if you are feeling trapped.

Your husband is not a good dad. That is not how a good dad behaves. He's a terrible role model for your children. You are enabling his behaviour, albeit passively which is also not a great message for your children.

Please find support as suggested by a PP and find the strength to start sorting this out, for your own sake and that of your children.

Since you are not working due to being unwell, if you left you would be entitled to benefits including housing benefit, council tax benefit, child benefit, universal credit and possibly PIP and ESA. Speak to women’s aid because this is abuse. He’s leaving you to deal with the kids alone, not telling you where he is for however long, gaslighting you saying it’s normal behaviour when it’s not, turning it around to you being the one with the problem, (DARVO), spending family money on alcohol and drugs is financial abuse, being good some of the time and shit some of the time is the cycle of abuse. He’s a terrible role model for your children and probably a major factor in your depression. You’re not happy. You’re allowed to leave and be happy. He would also have to pay you child maintenance. You would get support for childcare costs. It can be done. Speak to women’s aid and find out what your options are and how to make an exit plan.

Thank you this perspective is an eye opener. I feel you are correct.

Yes I am actively seeking regular support from health professionals and starting some therapy soon. I am taking medication too which I have had pnd so have recently increased medication due to increased low mood.

It likely is worse due to how I feel about the situation.

I'm not afraid to be on my own as I enjoy having the house to myself. It's the stress of all the upheaval concerning me. But if I don't, when will it end!?

Thank you.
This actually makes me feel abit emotional reading this as it all makes sense.
I do have a professional degree, which I don't practice in as I wanted to be more present for the children so I work im another sector using my skill base but part time hours and an easier workload to manage.
But I do have the potential to train up and earn a bit more I suppose in the future.
Although with my mental health at the moment I can't begin to think about returning to work but therapy should help, and I have been exposing myself more recently meeting friends and family

Reading about codependency and wow!
It really resonates and I did actually experience trauma as a child on several occasions different scenarios (I suppose it was abuse). Although I wouldn't say it was as bad as some people experience. It has had an impact clearly and most likely is why I am codependent

Personally it wouldn’t bother me, he just wants to burn some steam, go out with the mates and have a “few” (lines or beers). If this is something he does every 4 months in order to cope with life that’s ok. If he’s a great dad, good guy, has his shyte together, good in bed, supportive and great partner I would seriously sweep this under the rug and let him blow some steam.

This also wouldn't bother me as long as I also got chances to go away. But it bothers you which is the important thing. Are you saying him being away for 24 hours is making you depressed? I wasn't sure from reading your messages

Yes, you’re entitled to a 3 day beach holiday by yourself (or with friends) every 4 months. Get a tan, have a few margaritas and get to have some fun me time without any family responsibilities, that would be fine and the fare thing too. It would be good for your depression.

No, so he may not drink for 4 months then once he does he will do it regularly and maybe each consecutive week.
No I don't think the 24hr absence causes the depression, it used to be much longer like I say which I feel has chipped away at me over the years. I think it's deep rooted but I don't feel him disappearing does my mental health any good, not knowing when he will be back and it's tiresome and I'm getting to the stage where I am thinking is this still going to be going on in 30 years. I wish it wouldn't but you can't change someone. And I'm a realist.

I think I'm in my prime age and potentially wasting years of my life being unhappy when I could be alone and happy. I enjoy my own company and have a few close friends.

My close friends do know what he's like, as do his family. Obviously some I keep it private from due to embarrassment.

I looked at benefits and support and I wouldn't be as bad off as I thought.

I'm glad I've offloaded and seen some perspectives of others.
Putting it in writing is helping with clarity

@Jinglebells247 I hope you didn't think I was too harsh. I didn't see my own situational depression for what it was, even when my GP would always open by asking me how things were at home. It's so easy to get lost in our own little worlds. I do hope you can find your way out to a better way of living.

Being aware that things are not great and wanting change, even if you can't currently work out how, is a good positive. Build on the little things, they soon add up. You'll find your strength along the way.

That sounds very tough op and you are not over reacting .
He does seem like he has issues with alcohol / drugs and over dependency . What would happen if something happened with you /,the kids e.g needing an urgent hospital visit when he was on one of his benders ? Would you be able to contact him ?
He seems very immature and selfish and is acting like someone with no responsibilities . The fact that you are emotionally not in great health and he is still doing it says a lot .

I think he is being incredibly selfish and is being manipulative ( even emotionally abusive ) towards you when he is saying that he is good partner / father when he is there . You are just supposed to accept this and think that it could be worse .
I also think that it is manipulative / justifying his behaviour when he is saying you are not his mother . He is relying on you being there and is taking advantage of you .

He is acting like he is in his twenties and not a married man with kids & responsibilities . I would also be annoyed in your shoes when you say you aren't really comfortably off financially and he is spending a considerable amount of money on these benders rather than using this for the family .

I think it must be really difficult for you/ the kids in not being able to contact him during these times either .He is also putting all the responsibilities on you at these times and letting down you and his kids .

I also think this is very damaging to your mental health and even if it isn't the main reason for your poor mental health currently , it must be a major contributory factor .

As well as looking up benefits you may be entitled to if you separate look at child maintenance, just Google and it will give you the amounts .
Take care of yourself and keep posting if you are finding this helps you . You need to do what is best for you and your kids and in the timeframe that you are comfortable with .
It may also help you to get some
legal advice this month rather than next when it is the busiest time of the year .

Is there any counselling available to you , through a work scheme or your GP ? I appreciate that the GP referral may have long waiting times . Go back and speak to your GP anyway to look at your meds etc if you haven't had a recent review . There is also a lot of support out there AL non etc .

Take care .

Absolutely not. I really appreciate the perspective and advice. I think i have to think, I'm not the first person to go through this and I won't be the last. I just can't go on like this about 10, 20 or 30 plus years. And when the children are older, what will we have then

You have a hell of a lot more money if he wasn't spending it on drinking and drugs. How much do you reckon he spends in a week?

Update- we've separated and i have the house. I feel really good.
I've been on the phone to numerous professionals etc this week sorting everything out. Thanks for the advice. I've felt empowered to do what I've been afraid to for years. I just hope I'm not weak and don't go back as many do!
Also had therapy today and have new direction with that.

Fantastic! Well done! Have you blocked him everywhere. He can’t hoover you back in if you don’t communicate with him. You are out, stay out. Take a notebook and write down all the abusive things he did and how it made you feel and any time you start to feel like you might want to go back, read it. Remember who he really is and how much better life is now you are not living under his abuse. Get another notebook and in it write down one thing you’re grateful for every day. It could be you’re grateful to feel relaxed in your home, for being able to watch whatever you like on telly, being able to have friends over, for the peace in your home, for having a roof over your head, etc. just write one thing each day and read your list back to yourself every day. This will help you realise how much better life is now you’re free. You have been so very brave. You should be so proud of yourself. You did it! You are stronger than you realise. Keep moving forward. Never look back 💐

Well done jingle bells . What a fantastic update of everything you have done for you and your family .
Be kind to yourself , it will be one step forward and then maybe 2 steps backwards , but you will get there . I think the hardest bit is going from contemplation to action and you have done that . It is so easy to argue against ourselves about some of the plus points of staying together .

Be prepared for some more bumps along the road , but at least you are on the road and not waiting at the starting point . Sorry for the rubbish metaphors but hopefully you know what I mean .

I hope she hasn't blocked him seeing they have children together

“I hope she hasn't blocked him seeing they have children together”

She can get a parenting app specifically for child contact arrangements and block him on everywhere else. She can get a dumb phone which is purely for child contact arrangements. She doesn’t have to have him be able to contact her any time on all platforms.