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Original poster

What to do about friends and Christmas

10 replies

Littleferns · 01/12/2024 09:36

I am hoping for wise mumsnet members view on what is the best way forwards here.
I have some really good friends who are a couple and we’ve been friends for 30 years +.
over the years we have always exchanged Christmas and birthday presents. A number of years ago now the husband had an affair and they split up for a while, anyway they worked things out and one of her stipulations was they move house. (Totally understandable she wanted a fresh start)
They moved about 10 miles away from me but we kept in touch and carried on with the tradition of birthdays and Christmas and met up occasionally . However the last couple of years it has always been me that made the effort to visit them. They’ve slowly withdrawn from any friendships/contacts from their past life.
For a couple of years I have thought they wanted to stop this tradition but wasn’t really sure how to approach it.
Last Christmas I visited as usual with their Christmas presents and it was all a bit uncomfortable and she disappeared to another room to ‘find’ my present which appeared with no label on it and then as I was leaving the husband ran out to the car with a bottle of wine that they’d ‘forgotten’ was for me.
Fast forward to February and my mum died two days before my birthday. I obviously let them know as they were fond of my mum too. They acknowledged the message but didn’t send a card or even attend the funeral. I also didn’t even receive a birthday card from them. Both of these things hurt a little but I am not one to hold grudges, so I tried to put it behind me. I guess they may have thought I wasn’t celebrating my birthday because of mum dying. For the husbands birthday this year I just sent a card and I have done the same for her birthday this week. So in a way I’ve naturally stopped the present thing. I know I’m probably overthinking this but what do I do about Christmas ? Last year was so awkward I am guessing they want to stop this tradition now but I don’t want to be responsible for that if they don’t want to…..
would it be rude to not get presents this year? Should I get ‘just in case’ presents or shall I just carry on as normal?
WWYD?
I feel sad I’ve lost what we’re good friends.

OP posts:
Flowersandthorns · 01/12/2024 09:49

Moving on from an affair, in my personal experience, is very hard and painful. Some of my friends know and this can make it more difficult as it is a bit of a reminder. Maybe this is the case with your friend and it is the circumstance rather than anything personal to you.

Secondstart1001 · 01/12/2024 09:55

Firstly sorry for the loss of your mother. I agree with the previous poster and maybe this year do not visit with a present. It’s understandable with a bereavement you would be less likely to visit and perhaps leave the ball in their court. If they reach out then that’s good but if they don’t I would just leave it. I know that option is sad to consider due to the length of the friendship.

TipsyJoker · 01/12/2024 09:56

I wouldn’t bother. They want to move on so let them. It’s a shame but sometimes in life friendships end for whatever reason. Just enjoy your Christmas with your own family and other friends and be grateful for what you do have rather than lamenting what you don’t. If you want to have presents just in case to make yourself feel better, do that. You can always open them as extra presents for yourself after Christmas if they don’t get in touch or donate them to charity and do something positive with them. Stop flogging a dead horse. Let them come to you if they want to. If they don’t, you have your answer.

TwistedWonder · 01/12/2024 09:59

TipsyJoker · 01/12/2024 09:56

I wouldn’t bother. They want to move on so let them. It’s a shame but sometimes in life friendships end for whatever reason. Just enjoy your Christmas with your own family and other friends and be grateful for what you do have rather than lamenting what you don’t. If you want to have presents just in case to make yourself feel better, do that. You can always open them as extra presents for yourself after Christmas if they don’t get in touch or donate them to charity and do something positive with them. Stop flogging a dead horse. Let them come to you if they want to. If they don’t, you have your answer.

Absolutely this. As much as losing a friendship is hard, wasting time flogging a dead horse just prolongs the pain.

They know where you are if they want to get in touch but in your shoes I’d leave it now and let it go.

ElizabethVonArnim · 01/12/2024 10:05

If you want to do a present and not cut your losses completely, go for a standard, minimal-thought food present such a biscuits or chocolates - still nice, but easily laughed off as a contribution if they don't reciprocate and you will know what to do for next year.

I've just lost my mum too and Christmas has suddenly become really emotive. It does sound as if your instincts are right, but actually friendships are quite precious and unless you feel there's no way back, it's worth maintaining a level of connection in case you can all revive it later once everyone is a bit recovered.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 01/12/2024 10:06

Sorry for your loss.
They have moved away to scrub away evidence of the affair and that means almost deleting their former lives.
Sadly, you are a part of that. It’s not even personal to you at all, they don’t want to be reminded that someone knows exactly what the husband did.
Leave them to it. Don’t even send a card it’s not worth it.
The best thing you can do is to concentrate on people who are there for you now, people who care for you and show up for you.
There is always a chance in the future this friend might show up again if there is trouble in paradise.
It would be up to you then how you felt about her.
Until then don’t keep returning to them hoping for a different outcome as it is upsetting for you.
You deserve better.

stripeyshutters · 01/12/2024 10:20

Flowersandthorns · 01/12/2024 09:49

Moving on from an affair, in my personal experience, is very hard and painful. Some of my friends know and this can make it more difficult as it is a bit of a reminder. Maybe this is the case with your friend and it is the circumstance rather than anything personal to you.

This 💯

researchers3 · 01/12/2024 10:28

I'm sorry they haven't been there for you OP and sorrier for the loss of your mum.

It sounds like they want a new start. I'd leave it this year.

X

Original poster
Littleferns · 01/12/2024 11:09

Thank you for replying.
I know you’re all right. It isn’t in my nature to be resentful and it isn’t about me wanting gifts from them I just didn’t want to embarrass them and I was getting the vibe that they wanted to distance themselves from me I just didn’t know if I was reading it wrong.
Eliazabethvonarmin sorry for your loss too. It feels so hard to not have her here at Christmas. She loved big family christmasses. I feel I need to carry this on but just don’t really have the energy either.

OP posts:
Lavenderblossoms · 01/12/2024 11:10

I feel sorry for you. You're trying to be a good friend and gauge the situation.

If people don't want to do things anymore, I wish people would be more up front and not cause these awkward situations as you aren't a mind reader so how are you supposed to know it was all stopping? I wish people would just say oh let's not do presents this year and leave it at that.

But yes definitely don't do it. They don't sound like they appreciate it. I'm sorry you've lost your friends.

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