How do you know if it’s done

Delilahblue · 2024-11-30T20:05:47+00:00

We have been together 11 years, married for 5, two children 3 and 2. We have been fighting/arguing/not getting along for about 18 months now. I don’t know if I love him anymore but before we had children I was head over heels, absolutely besotted with my husband. He could do no wrong and was the perfect partner. Since having my second child everything changed. I feel resentful, along, unseen, abandoned emotionally, hopeless, adrift. I feel I carry the mental load of the household in terms of management and the children also. We both work full time in very demanding jobs. He is a wonderful father but very old school in disciplining our youngest in particular will grab them and point a finger in their face and speak aggressively. I fundamentally disagree with this and we have have huge arguments about it. We also disagree in terms of managing tantrums, letting the babies have feelings, how to speak to them, etc. his response to anything like crying/whining/shouting is sssh sssshh be quiet, it will be fine. Mine is to try to talk it out when they have calmed down and talk through it with them and listen to them. Anyway, I feel like I have lost all respect for him as he will no longer talk about our issues nor does he seem to respect me or care about how I am doing emotionally either. I have anxiety and am perimenopausal, prone to rage/mood swings that I can’t seem to manage or deal with but I am trying so hard. I just feel like I have nothing left to give anymore and sometimes imagine what it would be like to still be with someone who listens to me and will talk to me and values my opinions and cares. He used to be that person. Is it having young children, will it pass?

Bellatrixxx · 30/11/2024 20:16

Hello, I’m going to give you an unexpected and perhaps unhelpful reply.
But this post really resonated with me as I’ve been with my husband for 7 years and have two DC 2 and 3. I could have written so much of this myself - besotted before children, very demanding jobs yet I am primary caregiver and household maid, difference in approach to childcare, resentment, lack of respect and feeling desperately curious (and even regret) about how it would have turned out if I’d chosen someone else….Ive hated him so much in recent months. Even my family comment.

And then a very dear member of our family died suddenly on Monday. He was 35 and leaves behind two young children. We are numb and blind with shock and devastation and trying to support his young sahm wife through a horrific reality. And it put it all into perspective. I don’t want to be without my husband. I don’t want to be that wife. And there’s a lot of work to be done in terms of communication and rebuilding respect and love for each other, and a life outside of the pressures of the kids and the house. But ultimately I love him. It really did take this loss to regain clarity and reset my objectives and hopes and priorities.

Like I say, perhaps a totally unrelatable scenario for you. But in case it’s useful xx

Original poster

Delilahblue · 30/11/2024 20:35

Bellatrixxx · 30/11/2024 20:16

Hello, I’m going to give you an unexpected and perhaps unhelpful reply.
But this post really resonated with me as I’ve been with my husband for 7 years and have two DC 2 and 3. I could have written so much of this myself - besotted before children, very demanding jobs yet I am primary caregiver and household maid, difference in approach to childcare, resentment, lack of respect and feeling desperately curious (and even regret) about how it would have turned out if I’d chosen someone else….Ive hated him so much in recent months. Even my family comment.

And then a very dear member of our family died suddenly on Monday. He was 35 and leaves behind two young children. We are numb and blind with shock and devastation and trying to support his young sahm wife through a horrific reality. And it put it all into perspective. I don’t want to be without my husband. I don’t want to be that wife. And there’s a lot of work to be done in terms of communication and rebuilding respect and love for each other, and a life outside of the pressures of the kids and the house. But ultimately I love him. It really did take this loss to regain clarity and reset my objectives and hopes and priorities.

Like I say, perhaps a totally unrelatable scenario for you. But in case it’s useful xx

Edited

Thank you so much for the perspective and for sharing your story too. It makes me feel a litttle better to know I’m not the only one feeling like this xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Delilahblue · 30/11/2024 20:43

Bellatrixxx · 30/11/2024 20:16

Hello, I’m going to give you an unexpected and perhaps unhelpful reply.
But this post really resonated with me as I’ve been with my husband for 7 years and have two DC 2 and 3. I could have written so much of this myself - besotted before children, very demanding jobs yet I am primary caregiver and household maid, difference in approach to childcare, resentment, lack of respect and feeling desperately curious (and even regret) about how it would have turned out if I’d chosen someone else….Ive hated him so much in recent months. Even my family comment.

And then a very dear member of our family died suddenly on Monday. He was 35 and leaves behind two young children. We are numb and blind with shock and devastation and trying to support his young sahm wife through a horrific reality. And it put it all into perspective. I don’t want to be without my husband. I don’t want to be that wife. And there’s a lot of work to be done in terms of communication and rebuilding respect and love for each other, and a life outside of the pressures of the kids and the house. But ultimately I love him. It really did take this loss to regain clarity and reset my objectives and hopes and priorities.

Like I say, perhaps a totally unrelatable scenario for you. But in case it’s useful xx

Edited

I am sorry to hear of your loss also, it is heartbreaking to hear. I’m sure it is great comfort to his wife and his two little children to have all of your support x

OP posts:

TessMcGillsOffice · 30/11/2024 22:38

Don't have any words of comfort but I think it is common to feel disconnected when your lives have had such a seismic shift. I would give it time to see how the land lies once stuff with kids has calmed down.

I'm sort of in a reverse whereby I'm the one who does all the hard parenting and my husband just swans in and is the good guy. I carry all the mental load and he will ask me the most inane questions just because it's easier to ask me than actually think himself. It is very tempting to scream at him but when you've got kids and a mortgage and an intertwined life it's so hard.

Sorry I can't give you anything more definitive but just know that it's not just you (in a supportive way!) and that relationships, especially those involving kids, are bloody hard.

Doubledded123 · 30/11/2024 22:47

Sorry but if your mental health is suffering and this person is the love of your life- one has thd take precedence. Don't be thd women who stayed just because you were too scared to be alone.

TitaniasAss · 30/11/2024 22:57

I'm not sure my reply will be particularly helpful but when we had our children (early in our marriage) I think I resented and actively disliked DH for about 5 years. We just plodded along in a state of resentment and apathy about each other, bringing up our children. I was just waiting for the right time for us to split up. Then I lost both my parents and he lost his dad. We realised that we actually did need each other.

Nothing has been plain sailing for us, but we have been through so much together with bereavements, cancer (me), one of our children having a lifelong condition that left us exhausted and scared. We've been married 22 years now, our children are 21 and 18 and doing amazingly well. We suddenly find ourselves in a position that we can split without too much drama but now we realise that we really do love each other. So we're in it for the long game after all.

My best advice is to get this out in the open now and let him know how serious you are about how you feel. I never did that because I didn't want to cause trouble, but I so wish I had.

Spankbang · 30/11/2024 23:03

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AlwaysGinPlease · 30/11/2024 23:49

But your husband isn't abusive and OPs is, so your post isn't very much help.

He doesn't sound like a good man OP. If you're unhappy then you shouldn't have to put up with that.

LilacRaven · 01/12/2024 07:44

Really sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time. Thought I'd offer my perspective as I also have a 2 and 3 year old and me and my husband also both work in demanding roles and juggle a lot of stress. He is my absolute rock and I feel like I couldn't get through the days without him. If he was aggressive with them at disciplining them I think I would lose all love and respect for him so can understand why this is a source of conflict.

As for whether you can get through all the resentment it's hard to say. Me and my husband took my two swimming this weekend and this older lady (70's) told me how beautiful it was to see my husband parenting and how she still hates her husband for not stepping up all those years ago. I found it so interesting that they are still together but she still holds resentment and told me (a stranger in the changing room!).

I don't have any answers sorry but thought it might be useful to hear some other experiences. It sounds like you are an amazing mum who wants to do right for her children.

Original poster

Delilahblue · 01/12/2024 13:21

LilacRaven · 01/12/2024 07:44

Really sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time. Thought I'd offer my perspective as I also have a 2 and 3 year old and me and my husband also both work in demanding roles and juggle a lot of stress. He is my absolute rock and I feel like I couldn't get through the days without him. If he was aggressive with them at disciplining them I think I would lose all love and respect for him so can understand why this is a source of conflict.

As for whether you can get through all the resentment it's hard to say. Me and my husband took my two swimming this weekend and this older lady (70's) told me how beautiful it was to see my husband parenting and how she still hates her husband for not stepping up all those years ago. I found it so interesting that they are still together but she still holds resentment and told me (a stranger in the changing room!).

I don't have any answers sorry but thought it might be useful to hear some other experiences. It sounds like you are an amazing mum who wants to do right for her children.

Edited

Thank you so much. Things came to a head today where yet again we had a big disagreement about responding to our children (they were both screaming crying for me, he was holding one of them who was trying desperately to get out of his arms to come to me) and I had to physically take them from him when he wouldn’t let me and then try to call them both down. Anyway he has now said I am a horrible person and he is done. So I guess the decision was made for me. He hasn’t said a word since and is playing with our oldest laughing and talking as normal and I haven’t been able to stop crying. Who knows what’s next from here but maybe it is better it is all out now

OP posts: