I don't understand it...

[Idontgetthisatall]

I don't understand it, when others leave me on read, they're online on WhatsApp, online on Facebook, they're posting to their stories. And when they do eventually reply after ages they say "sorry I haven't been on my phone" or "sorry I've been extremely busy".

It almost makes me feel like I'm not good enough. It makes me feel so unwanted. My heart sinks when I've seen they've clearly read a message which has questions in it, yet they're posting and speaking to others.

Some friends do it, I'm also currently seeing someone and he does it.

I'm baffled and it affects my self esteem. Makes me feel so unloved.

Not every message needs a response.

As stated in my OP it has questions in my messages.

Unless it's ignoring an urgent question I don't see anything wrong with not replying immediately. If it's really urgent maybe just add 'please let me know today' or whatever is relevant to the scenario.

I used to feel like I had to respond ASAP and I had friends who would message relentlessly when they got going, it was draining feeling the need to reply all the time. I finally learned that my time is my own and I do not need to make myself available to everyone at all times.

There's lots of reasons for not replying. It may not be a convenient time to talk or to get into a long string of back and forth. You may just be mentally at capacity and not in the mood to chat. Other things going on eg work, kids, cooking and it goes out of your mind after reading. On a lot of phones the message pops up on the top banner and then is marked as 'read' when actually you haven't even opened it. Sorry you're feeling hurt but I do think it's fair that people aren't available at all times to chat and will reply when they're ready. The excuses they use are just trying to be polite.

I'm baffled and it affects my self esteem. Makes me feel so unloved.

Have you taken any steps towards working on this?

I can often read messages but not reply and then I forget! For example on long teams calls at work I can read but not respond, or in the supermarket I'll check if anyone had message asking for something but I don't have time to reply. Sometimes I'm in the middle of a long whatsapp conversation so online but not responding to others. It literally drives me crazy when people call me out on it; sometimes the constant pressure to be available is exhausting, sometimes it's just not convenient or you don't have the headspace to reply

Turn your WhatsApp settings so that nobody can see you online, and neither can you see them. Turn off the blue ticks too.
It's immensely liberating and allows you to stop overthinking, and worry instead about things that matter more.

Take off the read receipts 😐 I don't have them on anything. If its important and time sensitive you need an answer pop round or phone them. Don't be held hostage by messaging apps.

How often are you messaging? And how long are they waiting to reply?

Maybe your questions are overly needy, too frequent, unnecessary or irrelevant?

It's worrying that you seem to be quite aware of your friends online activity, what they're sharing elsewhere and when... It is affecting your mental health. That's definite.
The only thing you can do is take a step back and not be over invested in your friends online activities as it doesn't help you.

Social media is a curse. Read a book or something. Learn a craft. Share don't stare!

Perfect advice

And it’s for reasons like this that my settings are private so no one knows if I’m online or if I’ve read their message. I reply when i have time and not when someone else demands that I do. But thankfully me and my friends are pretty chilled about our communication and understand other people are busy without seeing that as a slight upon us.

I don't reply to messages straight away. I hate being contactable all the time so I try and reply to messages from people in batches rather than just replying quickly to all of them. It's not personal, it's just that my time is my time and an instant response is very rarely required - so I reply when it's convenient. It's not that I don't like them, it's more that I want to not be replying to messages all day long!

Most people hate feeling pressurised for an instant response. It's fine to wait a few hours, or even a day or two. All my friends do this, as do I. Instant gratification is just not necessary, and it makes you look unnecessarily needy, OP.

Don't put your self esteem on others or on messages.

That way lies madness. If you have time to sit their watching them do this than that is potentially where your problem lies. Are you filling your time enough with things that do feed your esteem or going out and having fun?

I don't always want to reply to people straight away. We weren't always tied to phones and it gives me anxiety to always be attached to my phone and having notifications go off all the time. I'd suggest turning off notifications for social media and just check them when you want to. It is a lot healthier for mental health believe me!

It doesn't mean people don't love you, they do. But in a world where everything and everyone needs our attention, sometimes you just need to do what you have to. I really think you need to reframe this You will feel a lot better. Maybe address the time you have free and have a think about what it is to fulfill you in life.

Look into any fear of abandonment issues you may have and heal that, once you’ve dealt with that core wound, you won’t care about the texts anymore.

Did you grow up in a not very loving environment?