Overthinking or in the wrong relationship?

[FreeHippy]

I have been in a relationship for over three and a half years with my partner, and we have a son under 1 year. This is my 1st long term relationship as ive never had much success dating. There's always been things about the relationship that I have questioned, and it's gone over and over in my mind. And I always keep wondering whether we should break up or am I just overthinking everything.

I always thought I would be in a relationship with someone that added value to my life/inspired me to be the best version of myself. I have struggled in my relationship because I have had to teach my partner a lot and it's taken away from my feelings. I have had to teach my partner to regulate his emotions as he used to go on long rants, get angry in queues/traffic/if something didn't go his way etc. This stressed me out as i never knew when the next thing would upset him but I always thought, if he could just get over this we would have a good relationship and maybe I need to be more resilient to his emotions. I have also had to teach him to balance conversations as he would keep bring conversations back to himself, and I would find this particularly embarrassing in company and very frustrating as I would feel disconnected. I am pretty social so it made me overthink when we spent time with others and i would feel annoyed that he kept stealing the conversation. He doesn't have any close friends really and my son and I are his whole life. This has also made me feel suffocated and I felt his social skills kept us from having other connections and I don't like to do things on my own as I'm conscious that he's just sitting at home waiting for me.

He talks a lot and this overwhelms me as i need time to recharge. He is also not naturally flexible and doesn't react well to last minute changes to plans. This also drives me mad because I want to go with the flow and I get annoyed at his reaction and it causes a fight.

I had never been in a ltr before and everyone told me that I'm too picky and you have to accept people's faults and that guys had to be 'trained'.
I gently tried to coach and inspire my partner to change but over time I have gotten more blunt and feel like I've turned into a nagging and critical partner and I really don't like this version of myself at all.

My partner has made huge progress in these areas and has gone to cbt. However you can't change his default personality and that is who he is. I find myself getting triggered more easily when he gets stressed over something because my patience has run out and I'm tired from caring for my son who is wonderful but a terrible sleeper.

Don't get me wrong, he has lots of good qualities which is why i have always stayed, he is very loving and caring, helps loads around the house, is a great dad and makes me feel loved and would do anything for me. The love is hard to give up. I feel so guilty that I don't love him in the same way and also feel sick at the thought of hurting him and wonder would I hugely regret breaking up our little family. I've always wanted a family of my own and another baby. I don't know which way to turn as some days I think everything is great, I have a really loving partner and stop overthinking things. However other days I can't get rid of the feeling that I've missed my opportunity to find real love and I don't have peace in my heart. I'm always trying to change him and that's not fair. I'd hate if someone didn't accept me for the way I am. I also don't want my son to see this version of me and wonder if im better off not in a relationship because I won't pick someone apart. As much as i give out above, i know i would still.miss his good qualities. Therapy has not helped me to become clearer as i need advice and therapists cant give advice. Please help with my thoughts on the best way forward. Do I need to learn to accept and that realise I have a good thing going or have i stayed in an incompatible relationship and will only feel worse if I keep going. Kind advice only please as I feel awful enough and need help unscramble my thougts

Have you met someone else?

I think you should call it a day. You don't sound compatible and it shouldn't be this hard. And no, it's not women's jobs to 'train' men to be decent partners.

Relationships need working at, but they shouldn't be hard work - most of the time it should just flow. And it's not about trying to mould someone into what you want them to be. You don't really sound like you like him much as a person, as who he is.

There's nothing wrong in being "picky" - this is suppose to the person you spend the rest of your life with, for goodness sake, of course you should be picky.

supposed to be

@FreeHippy you sound very introspective and deep thinking but you can't change someone into an ideal of what you want. They need to do it for themselves. Otherwise resentment breeds on both sides. Could you see this negativity passing or do you feel stuck?

There's a level of tolerance in any relationship and I think the best ones are when you are genuinely happy with them, faults and all.

Young children, especially terrible sleepers, put a lot of strain on relationships. Do you like reading? If you do, I would recommend Why Women Talk and Men Walk book

Has he ever tried to change you? Or are you under the belief that you are the finished product?

Your description of him is so unkind, there doesn’t seem to be any warmth or affection in it.

You sound hard to please, controlling, and not a very nice person.

Love is not transactional. Entering with an attitude of “what do you bring to my life” is problematic.

I get the sense you’re using him for attention and for housework.
And what does he get from the relationship apart from the fact he’s not good enough and needs to improve?

There’s a chilling coldness to your post. Have you loved someone deeply in the past? Perhaps it’s not just him you’re unable to love.

It’s not okay to string someone along when you don’t love them. Where is your moral compass?

Let this poor man go so he can have a chance with someone who will truly love him and care for him as he cares for you.

I wonder why he hasn’t sensed that you’re not that hot on him? You may be shocked to learn HE might eventually be the one to drop you, or he might be susceptible to cheating the minute someone else gives him the kind of love you’re not providing.

Do you find him attractive even? I doubt you would be this indecisive about him if you were having incredible sex with him, and it might have caused you to be a little less cold and clinical.

This relationship sounds like it’s already dead in the water.

Did this feeling that you were incompatible and your DP was not who you wanted to be with start before or after you had your baby? Small children put a lot of strain on a relationship. It is often the woman who bears the brunt of the sleepless nights and childcare so this creates resentment, however, you say that he does do housework (this is not ‘helping’, it is also his house). What about night wakings and child care?

Regardless, it also seems to me that you are having issues with basic tenets of his personality, which is of course hard for him to change. I don’t think CBT fundamentally changes who you are either.

I think I would also be cringing at someone being loud and complaining as I prefer to try and stay positive so this has a negative effect on me. But you cannot actually change a person. And you also say there are parts of him you value.

I have been a single parent for thirteen years now. There’s not always someone better around the corner. So the question you should be weighing up is not - am I missing out on real love, but would I rather be single with a child to look after (my answer was yes to that latter question). Unless, as a previous poster asked, there is someone else in the wings and that is really the issue.

It reads as though OP has already devalued him and there is contempt for him brewing.

OP, free him and don’t do this again to someone else, what goes around often comes around, be careful out there.

The quality of partner OP can attract in the future will depend on her own qualities, being kind, accepting, non judgemental, and loving and caring don’t seem to be qualities she’s been laden with.

No definitely nobody else

Thanks everyone for getting back to me, appreciate all comments and Talulahalula you're spot on, I have been asking the wrong question. I've been stressed throughout pregnancy and the last year and my thoughts are really clouded. I'm doing 90% of nights and it has been difficult as my positivity and resilience feels like its gone. Even though my partner has hugely improved and is very loving, I feel like I've taken his previous anger issues and absorbed them myself and I cant fully let go of that. I am blaming him for me feeling stressed as I ended up feeling like a parent/coach and thats not what a relationshipshould be. I'm going to get over Christmas period, seek individual counselling to help me manage my own expectations of love and to move past blame. If that doesn't work, I'll have to call it a day. Thanks again everyone for your help.

Hi there I have been following your thread from the beginning. You have a lot of insight. I wonder if you would consider doing a bit of Buddhist chanting to get some more clarity? As you have discovered already, therapy doesn't always lead to answers. I have been practicing Buddhism for the last 13 years. Even though chanting Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo twice daily 10 minutes at a time sounds complete bonkers, my practice allows me draw on my inner wisdom and courage to take the right steps. You can find more on pronunciation and meaning on our website SGI-UK

That's actually a really good idea. Ive tried meditation previously and found it hard to fully tune into, so chanting might be a better approach. I'm going to look that up and try it, sounds like you've got great benefits from it too. Thanks so much for the advice!

I wouldn't like someone that is angry either but I also really hate last minute changes to plans. I'm not neuro diverse or anything like that but I work long hrs so free time is limited. If I'm looking forward to doing something and then it changes last minute (usually to suit the other person and I don't get to do the things I want) then I hate that.
Having been a single parent most of my children's lives I'm glad not to be with their abusive dad as my life would have been hell if I stayed with him but it's very, very hard being a single parent.

Some of the traits you describe sound like ASD. If this is the case, he won't change. You either have to accept him as he is or move on. It doesn't sound like a situation I'd want to stay in for the rest of my life, tbh. I was much happier once I left my ASD partner, but I didn't have a child to consider, so I feel for you.