Divorce - Terrified.

[Elljmum]

Has anyone gone through a divorce and completely regretted it?

My relationship isn’t bad, he’s stable, trustworthy, a good father, genuinely is a nice guy and I know he loves me but I’m just not happy. My emotional and physical needs aren’t met and haven’t been for a long time. I’ve communicated this for years but nothing changed, I always hoped it would but it hasn’t. We have a toddler and I’m concerned about how I do this on my own. I guess im also scared that I’ll look back in however long and regret not just staying in the marriage as it’s stable and safe but I’m screaming inside, I just need more. More emotional availability, more communication, more of feeling like a woman. What if I’m alone forever or what if I found someone who meets my needs but is disloyal? There’s so many things going around my little head it’s exhausting. I want my toddler to have the best life possible and how I can do that on my own, I genuinely don’t know. Am I just scared because it’s starting all over again.

Any negative or positive stories are welcome!

To add to your questions, do you want to have to share your time with your child? A stepmother? Potential for a blended family with another man you meet and his children/ exwife drama
For me the grass isn't always greener but you know your situation best

What are you doing personally to feel more fulfilled? You seem to be blaming all your unhappiness on your DH but it doesn't come across as though you're being very proactive.

In the absence of abuse, it's not advisable to leave a marriage in the 2 years or so - the immediate aftermath - of a child being born. Due to the fact that they are a bit of a grenade into the marriage.

You’re likelihood being single is very high.

With respect the things you're not happy about are extremely vague. What do you mean by emotional and physical needs, or feeling like a woman? Do you mean you don't fancy him or have the kind of desire you had early in the relationship?

So overall there's nothing massively making you unhappy - no affairs, no abuse, but you just aren't feeling it right now?

I would suggest you find a counsellor for yourself, to help you work through what you actually want, and also some marriage guidance where you can work on restoring your relationship, I suspect with the busyness of being a mum to a toddler combined with trashing of your career (so you've lost not only your 'work' identity but also many of your friends perhaps don't have kids, and I'm guessing you feel you've somewhat lost your identity. Likewise I suspect your husband may also have head in the sand and think you have your child and you are perfectly happy while he goes off to his important job every day, without realising you feel like you're a spare part washed up on a distant shore and left to deal with it all when really you could do with communicating with each other and being closer together.

I felt like this and ended the marriage. After a couple of weeks I knew it was the wrong decision and I miss my husband terribly. The companionship, the stability, having someone who completely ‘got’ who i am. The holidays, the parties we had, all the memories we share together of our children growing up. I will always regret it. Yes I felt trapped sometimes and bored and didn’t know where we were going with our lives but we were together. I didn’t feel like that all the time and now I realise that’s all that mattered.

Sounds bit self indulgent and short sighted to me. What do you mean ‘feel like a woman’? You want to be wanted and not taken for granted? Sounds like normal parents of young children stuff.
You need to decide what you want? Stability or some attention from a new man? You can easily get sex and excitement if you leave your husband but the chances of some adoring long term relationship with someone who cares for your child are pretty slim.

I felt like you, OP, for years.
Uncannily word for word, actually.
I left.
It's too soon to say if it was the right decision, however what I do regret is not moving heaven and earth years ago to try to change and improve things while there was still time.
So I strongly urge you to get some counselling to try to work out who you are and what you want. We can lose ourselves in relationships and parenthood.
Sadly, my STBexDH and I just grew further and further apart and got to a point where being married was just making us miserable.

Have a look at attachment theory too. There are lots of resources online. You need to know how to relate to each other.
My DH and I both had qiite dysfunctional childhoods and so were carrying a lot of baggage from that. I have always known that, and have tried to address things on my side over the years. He is is denial, which is part of the reason we couldn't work things out.

Rooting for you.

How old are you?

I'd say that before you leave a marriage you need to understand exactly why and see if it can be salvaged.
Personal counselling could really help you to identify your own needs and any issues. You can then broach these with your husband and see what steps might help.
Then there is always marriage counselling that can help to align what you need.
I did both, the personal counselling was the most beneficial.

I left a marriage (although it was due to infidelity), and although I am really struggling with the overwhelming feelings of loneliness and at times am at rock bottom, I'd still rather be where I am than where I was.

Can you give some examples of how he isn’t meeting your emotional needs? Are you bored in the relationship?

@Realitea could you try and go back?

I have told him and he said he loves me too but unfortunately his family seem to be controlling him and making him feel he can’t come back to me and our dc. He needs to grow up and speak up but this is one of the reasons I’d had enough at the time so it’s going around in circles in my head a lot at the moment