Another weekend arguing about what to do

[Fleura]

Would appreciate some advice on how to navigate this situation.

He’s an extrovert, extremely social and thrives off seeing and interacting with other people. His ideal weekend is out and about doing non-stop activities with friends. His work patterns are unusual in that he only has probably a week’s worth of commitments spread out over a month. He does sports for a couple of hours most days and gets to see friends at the same time but can also have a week where he has work meetings every evening.

I’m an introvert who, by the time the weekend comes, is frankly exhausted from work and the juggle with kids - I work 3.5 days a week. My ideal weekend is downtime at home with a mixture of just keeping to myself versus doing all the chores that have been neglected during the week. I’m very happy just pottering around.

Every weekend we have the same argument in that I haven’t organised to see any friends. I have made an effort to organise plans in the past but feel too busy to do this during the week on a regular basis especially as it usually involves ringing around and then having to chase a number of people to see who’s free. I have suggested he make the plans himself and he and the kids can go out and do things together while I stay at home and get the house sorted but he doesn’t want to do this.

My issue is that I regularly spend whole weekends catering to what he wants to do without any complaint while he will spend the day moping and grumpy at me if he hasn’t found something to do i.e if I haven’t organised anything. He doesn’t accept there’s a list of things we have to get done at weekends - kids homework, washing, tidying - that always seem to fall to me badgering everyone to remember to do (aside from the fact I’m doing it all anyway).

It’s a running joke amongst our friends that they will routinely get a call at 1pm from him asking if they want to go out for lunch.

It’s really getting me down, I just don’t want to spend weekends together anymore or at home. I’m also worried about what’s going to happen as the kids get older and don’t want to do anything either - our eldest who is 10 is already getting bribed to go and do things with other families who have younger kids that he doesn’t really want to socialise with.

He wants it all ways, doesn't he? Wants a busy social life but wants you to do all the arranging 🙄

I think agree to alternate a weekend at home with a weekend socialising.
Or just ignore his moodiness.

Maybe relationship counselling would help you come to some sort of compromise?

As usual the first response nails it. You can’t do the same thing all the time - weekends should be split between time for socialising, some for chilling, some for sorting out the house and doing essential things & life admin. It can’t be all or nothing. He needs to sort out socialising and then you can choose when you participate in that, alongside making sure you each have some alone time as well.

With that kind of work pattern I would expect a lot more housework from him during the quiet periods, too.

He's unreasonable. Stop pandering to him. Be ready - it will probably mean the end of the relationship. So plan first, then stop pandering. It might work out ok. If you don't try, you get to live with him as he is now for the rest of your life, or until he meets an even more compliant woman.

You don’t sound compatible . He sounds frustrated that you don’t want to go out with him and you sound a bit resentful that he doesn’t want to stay home with you .
Personally I would be bored still spending all weekend pottering about the house - and I wouldn’t chose a partner who wanted to do this .

I'm like you, OP, and "worse".
Living with an extrovert like that would finish me, but I would never get close to them, they drain the life out of me.
Not compatible!

I don't really understand what's going on.

He wants to do things but can't organise anything himself. He also can't do any chores, instead he mopes around and complains while you clean.

If I've understood correctly, is there no compromise that can be reached? For example, you take it in turns to organise things or do chores together in the morning and go out in the afternoon?

Your eldest is being bribed to do things he doesn’t want to do to appease his father who refuses to organise anything but expects everyone to follow the beat of his drum

stop pandering and putting yourself and your children out

Keep it simple. Every weekend you have one down day and one sociakl day. Take turns to organise the social days - so you only have to organise something twice a month and you get to stay home 50% of the weekend.

Compromise.

Your problem here is he won't compromise.

Time to get angry. HE wants to socialise, so it's HIS responsibility to organise it. You want a quiet Saturday at the very least (so it's your responsibility to put headphones in and block him out when he becomes relentless).

Sounds like he doesn't care about you at all.

It's more than that. The one who wants to see friends should be the one to organise it, but he expects her to do it for some reason.

On the other hand, ringing around reminds me of the 90s. We have WhatsApp groups now where you can communicate with a group of friends in one go.

Thanks for everyone’s comments.

I should have added that he does organise plenty himself, just gets annoyed that the onus is on him to plan it all. I’ll probably plan one or two weekends a month. Part of the issue is that I plan in advance whereas he plans last minute so when he can’t find anyone to do anything with, he gets frustrated and blames me.

I have tried to compromise as some people have suggested by doing one day off, one day on but that still isn’t good enough. Mornings are out because of kids sports so that leaves the afternoons and if those are both taken up with activities, I spend the whole weekend trying to catch up.

I think it’s got worse since lockdown and since he left the typical 9-5 working pattern as he doesn’t get the facetime with other people you’d get with a normal job. He is looking to work more hours so I think that will help.

Ringing around was the wrong tone of phase 😅I mean whatsapping countless people which I don’t always have the patience or time for in between the school groups, emails, childcare logistics, my job etc!

You're not his social secretary Op, if you'd rather stay at home then he needs to go out alone.