Husband wants out but wont do anything about it.

[PoisedRedDog]

My husband of 17 years said he wants to seperate. Things havent been great for a while - fallen into the roommate phase with kids (9 month old, 3 year old and 7 year old).

I've suggested we try to repair, we've both played a role in it, but thought the family was worth fighting for. It may not work but to give it a good shot and change bad habits etc. He hasn't really changed his position - we have nothing in common, he can't talk to me and everything I do is a fault. I'm left wondering why he has even been with me all this time.

I try to talk to work out a way forward - repair or not. He can't answer. Just says he doesn't know. I feel stuck, between wanting to repair and giving up. I try to be nice and do nice things but they arn't reciprocated in any way. I've tried to open up to him, be honest about which ever way this will go but its ignored. I feel no kindness from him. He carries on like normal - coming home to a clean out and not lifting a finger with the housework or kids. When i look back since he said this, there hasnt been one word or action that shows he still cares really. I think i've pretended not to see it.

But i dont get why he would say this and then not be final. Is he waiting for me to be the one to say it so he doens't feel so bad?

I need some outside voices as all this just ruminates in my head over and over , giving hi one more chance, but he carries on like im a ghost.

Personally I would ask him to leave. He is not in it op

He can leave. Stop cooking and doing any laundry or anything for him. Treat him like a ghost.

This!

Why would be leave? He’s got all his cleaning, laundry, dinner done and doesn’t have to do anything. And societally he’s not seen as “leaving his family” despite the fact he’s completely checked out.

If you would like to keep trying at the marriage I'd give him this ultimatum: Marriage guidance counselling, organised by him or he leaves. Set a deadline.

He's waiting for a woman he can move on with to appear, meanwhile he ll happily continue enjoying all the advantages that living in the family home brings

How are you financially?

It's classic get your ducks in a row time OP.

He is getting an easy life at the moment. Youre doing all the parenting and housework with nothing in return. Divorce would end that if he intended to be a good parent. Chances are that he wont and he looks more likely to be a bare minimum parent.

He wont want to look like the bad guy so will want you to go crazy and throw him out, rather than him leave his family.

Realise he doesn't want or like you and stop making his life so pleasant. Go out significantly more, leaving him with the children. Go on minibreaks. Go on nights out. Build up your friendships. Get ready.

He's waiting for the ow to sort her side of things out. Please ensure you're safe financially

He has already separated in his mind. There is no connexion on his side.

Now he might struggle to admit this is the end hence he genuinely dont know.
Or he is fearful of how things will go down so again struggles to admit he needs to say that.
Or he is waiting for you to do all the hard work (as before??) and fir you to be the ‘baddy’ who is announcing a divorce,

Ine thing you might suggest to him is couple counselling. On the ground that it will help clarify things and will allow you either to reconnect or to separate well.
Be aware, as you dint really know where he stands but it’s more likely to be ‘I want a divorce’, don’t start the process with the idea this what will bring you together again. You’ll need to be very open minded about the outcome and stay curious.

In the mean time, yes protect yourself financially. If you are on ML, go back to work sooner rather than later. Full time if you can.
Go agd see a lawyer to check what your rights are too. Same with any financial support such as UC.

In those circumstances I’m very much ‘Plan for the worst and hope for the best’, whatever the worst looks like for you. And whatever the best will be (and remember it’s ok to change what ‘the best’ looks like!)

Take control, if nothing changes and he won’t commit to working on it, ask him to leave. It’s cowardly to keep saying it and not act on it.

He made all those kids with you, recently, but doesn't see them as something you have in common. What a prize.

What's your financial situation?

Men like your husband are rubbish at being alone. Most of them jump from one relationship to the next with no break in between. They tend to be the type who need looking after like children. Why would he leave when you do everything for him and he has to do nothing, not even a tiny bit of effort to be kind to you.
He's either waiting until the next woman who will look after him comes along or he already has one and is waiting for her to sort it out for him, so he can comfortably slide into another relationship with little effort.

Must make your skin crawl op. It does mine.

He brings nothing to the table so whip his feet from under it.

But i dont get why he would say this and then not be final. Is he waiting for me to be the one to say it so he doens't feel so bad?

Yes. He can then tell his story that he tried everything but you kicked him out after he had spent his married life giving you his all 🙄

And then he just happened to meet whoever he's got his eye on now as he was walking down the path with his bin liner and she was kind enough to pay him the attention he never got from you 🙄🙄

I agree with PPs, start doing things for yourself and your children, don't include him in anything be it household things or your thoughts (easier said than done, I know, but he's not relevant anymore. Plenty of time to talk to others about what's going on in your head ).

Do things for yourself. What doesn't he like to eat but you do? Have that for dinner tonight. We've got you @PoisedRedDog 💪

Men want to be liked and thought well of by everyone. He won't want to be the one to leave and break up the family, looking like the bad guy.

Meanwhile he doesn't want to move forward with what he has said but he he probably feels a bit better and lighter for dumping his emotions on you!

Beware of falling into the trap of trying to make him stay, clean home and great food and expecting nothing from him, and putting up with him being shit to prove its worth for him to decide to stay, and then you being grateful he does decide to stay.

your marriage is over, start making plans. Ask him to leave.

Always makes me chuckle when the responses are ' he can leave ' or ' kick him out ' .

Its a marital home, and unless there is physical abuse, he can't just be forced to leave his home!

But OP, it doesn't sound like you have a marriage anymore, he has given up and even if you do somehow work things out his heart will never be 100% in it.

I would start divorce proceedings and you look at the housing situation.

It's a lot to process, how are you @PoisedRedDog ?