Normal for relationship to cool down after baby?

[Cinai2]

DS is 11 weeks old and we’re both absolutely in love with him. DH is an amazing dad to him, adores him and is very hands on. Also makes sure that I get a rest. But our relationship just isn’t the same anymore. We had a very physical relationship before I got pregnant…hugging, holding hands, good sex life. The sex dwindled down during pregnancy and since our baby is here, we also don’t hug and kiss anymore. It feels like we have a really good co-parenting relationship, but nothing more. I miss the feeling of being desired, physical affection, and also sex. It just seems that DH isn’t interested in this anymore. I tried to initiate a date but his entire focus is on DS - I know I should be happy that he is a great dad but I’m not sure where this leaves us as a couple. We also argued a bit in the weeks after birth about how things should be done with the baby, but this got better now that we have our routine with him.

My question is, is this normal with a new baby and will things get back on track eventually, or is this a sign that the nature of our relationship has changed? I tried to address it with him but he insists that nothing is wrong. We had sex that night (the only time since birth) but it felt like he just did it because I wanted/mentioned it and wanted to get it done.

Do you have date nights out alone?

I suggested it but he insisted on taking DS with us. Of course I understand and I don’t want to be separated from DS either for more than an hour or so, but on the other hand I feel we need to make time for us as a couple.

You’re right, you do. He needs to see you as a life/sex partner, not just mum to his child.

I think it’s a hard one because to an extent your life does change after a baby, baby does become the focus, but there should still be time for that effort with your partner. My baby is 7 months old now and our relationship has changed in the sense that we don’t have weekend’s away together, date night off together every week, we don’t have hours to spare for sex and physical intimacy like we used to but that doesn’t mean we have nothing at all. We still have date nights at home together once a week where we eat together & chat, watch a film or play a game, we still hug and kiss every day, we still have sex, we still hold hands etc. So I think while it is normal for things to change post-baby, I wouldn’t say a complete stop to all physical intimacy is normal and I can totally understand why you find that difficult, I would too!

I would also say when there is no physical intimacy whatsoever for months on end, no kisses, cuddles, sex etc, it becomes really difficult to initiate that again because it starts to feel a bit awkward and feels easier to just continue as you are. I do think it’s worth a proper chat with him to let him know how you are feeling and see where his head is at. I know my husband was worried about initiating sex for a little while after birth because he was worried he was going to hurt me or put pressure on me if I wasn’t ready so although he was very physically intimate with me in every other way, for the first few times we had actual sex I did initiate that so he knew that actually I was ready, I wanted to and it was fine. Maybe worth seeing if that is also what he is thinking?

I’m not sure if I expect too much too soon, and I’m aware that I’d be getting a hard time if I was a man complaining about a lack of intimacy and sex only 11 weeks after the birth of our baby.

Yes, being seen as a life and sex partner is what I really miss, that sums it up well.

I think there’s a big difference between a man complaining about a lack of sex 11 weeks after their wife has given birth and a woman who has given birth complaining about a lack of intimacy/sex after birth. Sex is one thing but the fact there is no hugs/kisses/handholding is completely another, totally withdrawing all intimacy like that can be really hurtful and I know in those early weeks especially those cuddles in the middle of the night or on the sofa when I was on feed 1000 of the day etc really kept me grounded, they kept me going and that physical comfort really got me through the hardest days if nothing else. We always say there’s almost nothing a cuddle can’t fix!

Sex is separate and can be tricky, but going from being very close, hugs, kisses, hand holding etc to essentially overnight turning into roommates for months is always going to be upsetting no matter the gender.

I think this is within the realm of a normal issue at only 11 weeks in. Not to say that you shouldn't both continue to make an effort, talk about it, find ways to maintain your intimacy. Echo others to say keep talking about it and let him know how you feel - you said he insists nothing is wrong but have you told him how it's making you feel and what you need from him? I had to nudge my partner a few times on this front, and say that I still needed a hand hold, hugs etc in-between all the day to day practical and logistical baby-work.

Thank you, everything you say really resonates with me and is exactly how I feel.

What happens when you initiate sex or give him cuddles and kisses?

I think the way you feel is really normal for the situation honestly. I am grateful I didn’t suffer with PND but I think like most new mums, especially first time mums, I was exhausted, overwhelmed, recovering myself, learning to look after a baby, trying to find my way in motherhood, it all made me really emotional and I needed my husband to look after and hold ME as well as our baby which thankfully he did, I think I would have honestly really struggled if he had withdrawn from me like yours has so I can only imagine how you must be feeling. At the moment it sounds like he is being a really good dad, but not a really good partner.

Sadly this is life and very common but it is something that needs to be knocked on the head at some point.