Can it work if you have different viewpoints politically?

[Cherriesandstrawberries]

Hello - I’m after some advice. Met a guy and we’ve become friends but are intimate sometimes. We both agreed we’re not a match as we have very different political views. He’s much more versed in his views so I’d find it hard to debate with him as I’m just not as articulate or knowledgeable. I don’t feel bad about it, it’s just the truth.

We’ve decided just to not talk about politics and since then we’ve relaxed and still get on really well. We have many other things to talk about and we like each others company. Anyone else with anyone in this situation and it works still? I’m thinking it probably can’t long term but just interested…

It depends on how important your political views are and how different. Is it like one of you is left wing and the other right wing? If politics isn't that important to either of you and you're both kinda near centre politics, then I would think it could work.

I was a member of the labour party back in the Corbyn days and one lady who was a lot more politically involved than me was married to a tory. They just never talked about politics with each other and left it to be discussed with like-minded friends. I thought that was a bit extreme as obviously politics was very important to both of them, and I thought it sad that it wasn't something they could share. But they were happy together and politics just had no part in their relationship. Their core values were shared.

I think it can, but not for everyone. For example I could not be in a relationship with someone with right wing views, end of. It depends if you can live with the difference or not, and if you think their views make them hard of thinking or prejudiced or etc.

I think it depends more on whether your values align? DH and I do not share the same political viewpoint, but we do have the same values - just that we have differing perspectives on how to achieve them! We have been married 20+ years so it’s not held us back. We do have a few ‘hot topics’ that we agree not to discuss as we’ll never persuade each other!

I’m not so worried about your political views as the way he has shut you down and silenced you about your views. I don’t like the sound of that at all op.

Politics isn't just about which political party you vote for, or your views on issues in the news. It's about your fundamental approach to life. So I think if two people take a different political stance they are also likely to not agree on day to day matters such views on the family, women's role in society etc

No it wasn’t like that, it was actually me who shut it down as I was out of my depth. It was a calm debate but I just told him that he knows a lot more about this than me so let’s just leave it there.

Thank you for the responses - it’s giving me food for thought. I think you’re right - I need to look more at whether our values are aligning

On social matters, we’re much more on the same page

My partner is a traditional Home Counties middle class Tory voter. I'm a working class left wing type of person from the industrial Midlands. She voted for Brexit etc etc. She's not that political in life and only voted for Brexit because she was swayed by the Brexit arguments at the time.

Where we do differ fundamentally is on things like the value Social Housing or provision for folk on low incomes or other altruistic ideas. She doesn't believe in stuff like that.

We generally don't talk about politics but when we do, we try to keep it lighthearted.

Yes, of course. My Dh and I rarely vote the same way, but we don’t discuss it. Politics is off the table for me with everyone I meet. I have my views, other people have their own. We’re all entitled to our own opinions.

But of course, it depends how invested each person is, and about how much of their views they include in their own personality.

Does it affect you in any way?

I think it all depends on the types of issues. There are a couple of things I feel.verg passionately about and people of a certain political leaning are likely to have opposing views. However those things are fundamental to who I am as a person and also value based, so I could not date someone with opposing views on those things.

However if it was just a theoretical debate about things that we have little control over in life due to how little our individual votes count, eg whether conservative or labour economics work better or whether X policies are better than Y policies, then that could be ignored in favour of areas where you have more in common.

I think more important than whether you agree or not is whether or not you are interested in politics, full stop - many people aren’t. That’s why you get strong friendships between people in different parties in the House of Commons.

I’m left of centre, partner is right of centre. Neither of us is ideologically dug in. And also political views are normally on a left/right and authoritarian/liberal grid. We both fall in the liberal side of things. So it’s always more nuanced.

I know a few couples like this, but the one thing they all have in common is that politics is only an issue in their lives when there's an election.

The rest of the time it's very much on the back burner. None of them are people whose political beliefs form the main topic of their conversation (thank God).

Depends how important politics is in your life IMO.

It's a problem if you're one of those idiots (sorry, but not sorry) who think it matters.

I'm not into politics, my partner isn't into politics, we don't discuss politics, and our life is fine.

You can't change those morons in parliament. What's done is done, and what will happen will happen regardless of either of your views.

I never understand people getting worked up about politics. It's like crying or starting a fight when 'your' football team loses. You're getting worked up over millionaires who don't give a sh!t about you.

Book a holiday, don't think about it, you'll be happier.

It does depend.
Dh and I have different political views but we do agree on social matters.
I feel like we're both centrists and have different leanings. So it works.
Sometimes we'll have huge debates on politics and other times we agree.
It would be unusual if you disagreed on everything as things aren't often black and white. Lots of grey areas and crossovers in politics.

Centre left or centre right then maybe if your views are somewhat similar. Anything further apart, I don't think so.

I personally wouldn't be able to be with someone with different views to me or values.

It depends on whether you have core values that align. For example, if you both believe strongly in caring for the elderly, vulnerable, less resourced/able, but one of you believes the best way to do so is via high taxation for services and votes accordingly, the other believes it's via trickle-down effects so votes for the party that taxes least.

(Sorry, vague, simplistic example!)
Then if you realise you have the same value and both care about the same thing at heart, it could work.

If, however, if one is a Tory who believes that the poor deserve their lot because they don't work hard enough, while one is a Green voter who believes that people are kept poor by an unfair system and deserve better, it's probably difficult.

Personally, I see people dying due to austerity and other policies, and no one who votes to kill people gets any kind of a relationship with me.

(Some people genuinely don't mind that, though, which I find incompressible! )

Not really, no. Brexit proved divisive at the time. But it blew over eventually.

I think you can have differing political views. I disagree with a lot of her views; she's right wing, I'm on the left. Just as long as neither partner is ramming their views down the other's throat, it'll be OK.

Sometimes we joke about it. She's never had to use a water cannon or rubber bullets against me in an argument, and I have never once thrown a petrol bomb at her....honest! 😀

This sounds great, but it might be possible only because your life is fine, though. It might be more difficult if one of you were affected very badly by policies the other voted for, unless you have a way to work through that together.

Where we do differ fundamentally is on things like the value Social Housing or provision for folk on low incomes or other altruistic ideas. She doesn't believe in stuff like that

This BLOWS MY MIND

How can humans not BELIEVE in helping other humans?

I absolutely couldn't be in the same room, for 5 minutes , with someone like this

It's like osmosis, their opinions are so vile, for me, and make me feel really unhappy....they kind of permeate my soul (that sounds so woo woo but it happens for me)

It sounds like you're not hugely into politics and don't really feel the need to debate about it with him. If you can simply remove that from the equation then it should be OK. But as others say, if your core values are too far away from eachother that's where you'll notice.
I think it's unlikely I'd end up with a Tory. I just don't know any. If I lived in Surrey or something then I guess I would meet some. I'd imagine I would be looked down upon due to my lowly social and financial status. Andy reliance on benefits.

I a solute my could not be in a relationship with someone who has left wing views. I wouldn't even contemplate a friendship.

Do you want to be with a man who makes you feel like that though? He might not have told you to keep quiet but he has achieved that exact result hasn’t he? I don’t want to be with someone that makes me feel inferior or less. And I bet you’re not as ill informed or stupid as he’s made you feel. I’d bet a sum on that.

I have a couple of married friends who have very opposing viewpoints, with one supporting Brexit, Farage, the Tories and so much more despite the fact all of those things have very much disadvantaged her, while her husband is very socialist leaning, in favour of the NHS, state education, decent infrastructure and a reasonable welfare state for those who need it.

It works for them but I couldn't compromise in that way, as for me the viewpoints would mean I had to watch what I say all the time and it would get exhausting. I find I have to watch my tongue even with friends whose politics and worldview are so different to mine if I don't want to risk arguments.

I do sometimes miss the world where people could have a reasonable debate about differing points of view in a civilised manner though.