I think I’m in a mentally abusive relationship

[Namechangexmas]

Pretty much what I’ve said from the title really. Been with my wife about 15 years and when we got together it all started fine but after the first 18-24months I noticed she would go mad about silly things but I’m laid back so just normally let things go but I feel like things are getting to a point where I’m like wtf.
shes had quite a few relationships and the majority have been abusive with dominant parents but people always comment how I’m good for her because I’m so calm and settling influence for her.

this is one of my first proper relationships and this is often brought up saying this is just what relationships are like with the wife nagging the husband and he should always be doing stuff. I’m very much if I’ve got something out I’ll put it away but my wife for example will hoover then call me from wherever in the house I am to put the hoover away even if she’s next to the cupboard that it goes in.

Anyway, she’s always acknowledged that in arguments she will get really spiteful and personal and it really digs deep some of the things she says.

she claims to never lie but she lies all the time and when called out on it she will go mad, I admit I often tell white lies but I feel that sometimes in life they are needed and I think it’s ok to an extent.

sometimes when we argue she will change her tone of voice to patronise me and then starts smirking or fake smiling which really irritates me and she knows it gets a reaction and this happened last night over something that should never have been an argument but she came up to bed in a bad mood and it led to an argument and her saying I’m weird, I’m gaslighting her, everyone says I’m lazy and really digging into me.
im not lazy and I do my fair share around the house but sometimes I just want to relax after a long day at work or on the weekend I just want to relax for a bit before doing the next thing on the to do list.
Ive often said I don’t feel heard and basically feel invisible apart from when people need stuff done and she’s often told me that I’m never right and my opinion doesn’t matter and she’s always right…
I know people will say leave or get counselling but I can’t leave because we have children and they are my absolute world and I want to be with them everyday so leaving just won’t work.

I would say to her to get counselling. If she refuses, I'd walk away. I know she say its not an option, but it is. It might not seem like the ideal option to begin with, but isn't it better than staying in a toxic relationship where you are often belittled?

She has counselling regularly about other things and I’ve suggested couples counselling but she’s always said she has no interest in it.

Oh dear. She has counselling regularly but still behaves like this? I fear she won't change. Counselling is meant to make you reflect on your behaviour and work on improving yourself, but it doesn't seem to be helping her all that much. In this case, I don't see much option but for you to leave. I mean, what other option is there?

Can you give examples of the silly things she goes mad over?

You say you are laid back and she nags. You said you have kids but then also pull your weight with housework. Who does most of the housework? Can you do it independently or do you wait to be nagged. Do you both work? How old are the kids?

Wouldn't it be better to leave and give your kids 50/50?

It sounds like a horrible atmosphere to bring them up in, so what model of relationships is this teaching them?

At least if you lived separately you could give them a peaceful home part of the time and alternative to the current situation to compare against.

If the relationship is abusive, joint relationship counselling is not advisable.

Have your kids 50/50, I meant.