Me and my baby father have been together for 4 years. we have a 18 month old baby. prior to me getting pregnant with my daughter, our relationship was mostly good. he was sweet to me and we didn’t argue much. i did catch him texting girls earlier in the relationship but it was only ever through text and he seemed to be apologetic over it. i got pregnant 2 years into our relationship. we had recently moved into our own place and we were both excited for this pregnancy. in the pregnancy my mom passed away when i was 8 weeks pregnant. it was unexpected and i’ve been so heartbroken even though it’s been almost 2 years. it still hits me to this day and i can try at any given moment about my mom. he was supportive for a little after my mom died, then 3 weeks after she died i found out he was texting girls again. it’s a blur, but this time he wasn’t really apologetic towards me. i was in a really bad headspace so even tho he was trying to leave me i begged for him to stay and he did. i felt like i courknt lose another person in my life especially so soon after my mom died. throughout the pregnancy he did this multiple times. i begged for him to stop. i couldn’t imagine why he was doing it. he always blamed me. i tried everything to make him happy, i worked my entire pregnancy up until the last week of my pregnancy, i tried so hard to let things go and be nice, i cooked him home made meals and did his laundry and made sure he had a clean home. nothing was ever enough for him. now we’re still together and have the most beautiful baby ever together. he still cheats. i recently caught him like 2 months ago. it’s now around my moms 2 year anniversary on christmas eve is less than a month and my birthday, plus our anniversary is in a week. thanksgiving just passed. all of these holidays + my birthday are so hard for me. i miss my mom and it’s only been JUST 2 years this coming december. he doesn’t care, he still fights with me every single holiday over the most irrelevant things ever. i try to work on the way i speak to him but no matter what he’s never going to fix the way he speaks to me. he will scream in my face in front of my daughter and it disgusts me. i don’t want her thinking that behavior from a man is ok. i beg him to imagine this behavior done to our girl but he doesn’t really care, just says “she would never act this way towards a man” (majority of the time it’s just me sticking up for myself if he treats me weird or does something to me). i know i need to leave. but im scared.‘i’m 23 and hardly have any support in my life. i still love this guy regardless of what he’s done to me and i know im literally dumb but ive always had attachment issues and loved too hard. i dont know what to do. being a single mother scares me. i cant imagine my life without him, even tho i know it would probably be better without his extra stress. i don’t know why im writing this, i just need some type of support. i dont know who to go to or to talk to. i’ve been in a extremely physically abusive relationship where i’ve had to fight for my life very single week for years. but somehow this mental abuse is draining me more than the physical abuse ever did. i’ve lost myself completely, i don’t know who i am or what i like hardly. i can cry my eyes in front of this boy, panic attack and all and he will ignore me. whether that’s him just ignoring me & going to sleep or just putting his headset on for the game and muting me out. he does not care about me. he tells me he won’t miss me if we break up. tells me everything is my fault. tells me it’s my fault i got cheated on. my fault that he treats me bad everyday. i’m so tired and i’ve self harmed myself in the past and tried committing, last time when my baby was about 2 months and had bad post partum depression. in that process i realized i cannot leave my baby here, the fear i felt in that moment after overdosing hit me for my baby and i can’t leave her. but its getting so hard fighting this battle in my head with him. this is not how i imagined my future family. i prayed i would have something healthy after seeing my mom go through horrible men and suffer in silence from it. i don’t know what to do. i’m alone and grieving the loss of my mother and the fact the man i’ve gave everything to, doesn’t care about me in anyway. i feel so lost in life and have no outside support it’s getting hard to hold on but im trying as hard as i can for my baby. i just need encouragement to leave. i can feel myself getting there eventually, but it’s scaring me i might not ever and i know i don’t want to be with this man forever but my attachment is so strong. he makes me feel weak and stupid and useless. idk what to do