Men Wtf?!? My "friend"

[Icedlatteplease]

So i have a "friend" for which one way or another we can't seem to get our timing right. Sparks but no flame

We were friends for years until our respective relationships blew up and we dated briefly. As enjoyable as it was it really wasn't the right timing (the world shut down!) and if I'm brutally honest im not quite sure how into I him actually was although he seemed very keen, very persistent and very sweet. It was fun. Vaguely talked about a casual situationship on occasion, but neither of us seem to be particularly bothered to make it happen.

My life got somewhat more complicated due to family, (which he was a sweetheart through and on the end of a text message when i needed him). Were at the same club so saw each other regularly without putting in any effort. Vaguely looked like we might try going on a couple of dates as he really had been a rock but the timing was off for him so nothing happened. Tbh was probably a blessed relief as my life got really complicated.

We talk every now and then, both migrated to different aspects of the hobby. We do get on well and flirt but it doesn't mean anything.

Most recently we were meeting up a bit more over our shared hobby, and he tried kissing me. I was thinking about maybe giving it a go. Made it clear (especially given previous conversations) I wasn't into anything casual, i really dont need the hassle of a relationship if its not something worthwhile, he indicated that worked with where he was now.... so I waited to see what his next step was.

He then put in about as much effort as a hook up so i very quickly shut the whole thing down in no uncertain terms. We last met on good terms, no hard feelings on my part or on his seemingly (i assume/d he feels similarly ambivalent). We nattered quite happily for a couple of hours at the time but genuinely didn't expect to hear from him again (beyond running into him hobby but weve naturally grown into different clubs) and really didn't/don't have any plans to contact him.

I don't have any relationship plans generally and am perfectly happy single.

A few months have past and i get a "Hey how you doing got some time for [shared Hobby] over Christmas" message.

I'm like WTF! I have to laugh, I'd assume he's after a Christmas hook up but I made it very clear last time I'm not interested in anything that is just a hook up and barely sure i even want a relationship

I do enjoy time spent with him as a friend and we laugh loads doing our hobby together. So I have a draft message written, yes it would be fun to meet up at some point,

but i haven't sent it,, I'm really not sure I can be bothered.

and when I say i can't be bothered with hassle, I REALLY can't be bothered. The back and forth is just annoying now.

But my biggest question is WHY? Why bother making one-on-one contact at all? Really we tied it up neatly last time and both moved on. I just don't understand.

I think he only wants a hook up and I think you're not that into him anyway so maybe just tell him the truth, that you can't be bothered to meet up with him.

We're very good at periphery texted. Usually once every few months, how you doing type texts. NEVER any vague or definite suggestions to meet.

This last set of meetings was because he randomly turned up at club the same week I was separately planning to be there and then he followed up with definite arrangements. Came as a surprise.

I'd have been quite happy with a nondescript periphery text

That's the thing I've worked out with mumsnets help. I'm not really angsting over him.

I'm angsting over how to shoot him down without it being awkward if and when we do eventually catch up in person and that he has nothing to reproach me with to mutual friends.

I'd given it a final chance last time and resolved it pleasantly when it failed. I genuinely didn't expect to get a let's meet text.

This reads like a sequel, or maybe a prequel, to Normal People. I don’t understand a thing.

You haven't heard the rest of my life 🤣🤣🤣 this is the most normal bit

😂 relationships are so complicated nowadays

You are overthinking this so hard I'm exhausted reading it. You obviously still have feelings for him or you would have already sent a short reply or forgotten about it.

Well obviously I have some feelings. Enough to consider starting a dating relationship a couple of months back. But not so much that when it feel through my overwhelming feeling was anything other than relief.

I do care hugely about my hobby and not having two people I dislike and that dislike me there. I think I'm actually concerned how I do this and preserve a modicum of friendship.

You sound like exhausting hard work who expected too much from him. Why should he be the one making all the effort?

Dislike seems a strong word. You'll have to get comfy with ghosting / low contact I guess. It's no big deal to ignore messages. If he mentions it at hobby just say you're really busy and forgot to reply. No need to make a big deal of it.

I need to know what the hobby is that is niche, but there are several clubs seemingly in close proximity, that you can be a member of.
And it is a hobby that you 'do' in a club setting, but can also meet up individually to do it.

...sorry, OP I've lost the will to try and understand the nuances of your feelings/non-feelings for this man, and jsut need to know what the hobby is. Maybe I can take it up and find myself a boyfriend!

I think you're making this way too complicated.

Write back you're busy and that's that.

I am. And my life is. I don't have a huge amount extra to offer, time or energy. It's why on the whole I don't contemplate dating, but he's sat through everything that has led to this point, so it's not a shock and I wouldn't have to try and explain.

Because I genuinely was not bothered. Perfectly happy to sit at friends. It was him that was suggesting otherwise and didn't then follow through.

Yeah I'm not good at that

Reply after a week. Hi lots going on at the moment catch up at X hobby group meeting soon.

Would that be sufficiently breezy not to make it awkward?

Why not take it at face value, he asked if you want to meet to do mysterious hobby over Christmas. If you do, say 'Sure I'm free on the 29th' if you don't say 'All booked up already, have a good break'

You are really making. A huge deal out of nothing.

I think just say "thanks, but got a lot on, see you at [group activity]".

Something like that.

The situationship is done.
Make no further reference to it.

Play dumb like it was a hows things text, and remain breezy.

🤣🤣🤣 I shall confuse you further

It's kinda two main hobbies that often are done at shared venues and has a large crossover of people. His side is the "older" side of the hobby. mine is kinda newer, well its been around longer but only in the last 10 years or so become interesting and the following grew out of the older hobby. His side if you see a woman it's a rarity, my side is changing but rather slowly in our area, much more rapidly elsewhere. We are also in a Small town with easy access to two larger towns, all of them with something. Now my side of the hobby is growing, more separate groups are cropping up leaving a mix of old combined groups (mostly dying) and new separate groups ( both sides mostly thriving). As some of the combined groups have less people, some people are migrating naturally to individuals houses. Hence a real odd mix of groups but mostly same overall cohort of people. He does both but much prefers the older side of the hobby . We crossover at the one of the older (dying) combined groups. I won't confirm it on this thread what the hobby, I can pm you if you want.

It's not a good place to meet men. By my age They are mostly sweethearts devoted to their very long term partners who they will mention very quickly if they figure out youre a single female 😁.

Yes i think that's what I want.

Even more intrigued now! Please pm me and I promise I won’t out you.