Will keep the details vague.
DD is primary school aged. Years of horrific legal disputes with her father after leaving him for domestic abuse. Slowly drawing to a close. She has had years of on and off contact with him.
She has gone through periods of hating him and reporting abuse.
After a break in contact and seeing him again she has returned with a new found love for him, superficially I am pleased as the years of conflict have been really hard. But subconsciously it rips my heart out that she does enjoy seeing him. He spoils her a lot and took her a certain activity the last contact and bought her loads of things. When DD returned she was beaming and wrote down in her note pad that she had a great time with him. I'll explain why it felt like a knife to my heart, he is abusive, highly abusive. His family hate him, he has no real friendships of any substance, every girlfriend he has had has left him after his abuse. DD has even hated him during a period. I am very conscious with my reactions and body language when she tells me about him, I don't ever want her to feel torn, but I want to find a coping mechanism to get past it and accept that despite him being abusive, he's her dad and she loves him.
It's really hard when you know what your lived experience is like, I am about to start counselling so I am hopeful that that will help me, but would like to hear from others in situations that are similar and how you coped.