I feel like a stupid idiot for getting abused.

[Hohohoman]

I just feel so stupid lately that I spent so many years in what I would say was an abusive relationship with a narcissistic man. He humiliated, shouted and swore, threw things, just completely ignored any of my needs instead always brought up year old arguments or blamed me for his reaction. Anyway I share a child and he has been with another lady for about 4 years now. I have been told that he treats her so much better and this is because apparently she is much more stronger and more worthy as she isn’t as needy as I was.

I admit that I was quite immature but then I was 10 years younger. I feel so stupid that I let someone treat me like this and get away with it for so long. He keeps saying that he wasted his life trying to make me grow up and he should have left me but he never did and in the end I was the one who left when I just had enough of it all. He is all high and mighty now and I suffer with autoimmune conditions from the stress of the 15 years. I feel so bloody stupid about it all. He is fine, moved on, making loads of money etc and bragging and I struggle day to day.

You are not stupid. You are I imagine a wonderfully sensitive soul, empathetic and giving. Because these are the types of characteristics that abusive narcissistic personalities are instinctively drawn to.

The fact you also developed autoimmune conditions as a result is incredibly common I believe. I have a multitude of significant autoimmune conditions. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family with emotionally abusive behaviours.

Dr Ramani on YouTube is fantastic. She is an expert in all this and has had personal experience. It's a process that you now work through. The aim is to see everything for what it is ( he's vile and will eventually abuse the next one). The aim is also to get to a point where you aren't too affected by him.

It's going to be difficult with a child together but not impossible. There will be guides online as to how to best communicate with him. For example, facts only regarding the child, no other conversations. Use a Comms method called Grey rock. Dr Ramani has a video on that I think. She is a legend. Watch her video and you will see what I mean.

Please don't. I have lost count of the smart, strong women I know who have found themselves in abusive relationships. You got out. Be proud of yourself.

He probably is fine on the surface btw. If you read into this, you'll see that these people aren't quite human like us. They are constructs. Everything they do is a construct or projection of an image. You however are real, authentic with real feelings. I can tell this immediately just from reading your post.

What happens with these people is they just tend to move on ( because they don't feel like we do). And we all end up in therapy. Very common. I would never want to be one of them though.

You must get strong in all communication with him. Making you feel so bad about yourself is part of the formula. Blaming yourself for example. You've been trained to blame yourself. I don't know if you had issues with a parent like this.

Stay single for a long time. Learn about this and heal. Or you'll subconsciously attract another one and won't realise it until they start showing the signs down the line❤️

Honestly, you're not the stupid one. He's still in your head and you need to get him out of it.

He has no power over you. His opinions are just that - his. He's not worth anything and he's incredibly unimportant. He likes to make himself feel better by putting you down because he's an insignificant idiot with self esteem issues. You were never the problem, he was.

You are not stupid for being the victim of an abusive man. Anyone saying that he treats his new partner better because she is more worthy etc is victim blaming. If he really does treat his new partner better, I'd say it's because so far she has done things the way he wants and has not questioned anything he does. That does not mean that he is now a better person, or that the way he was with you is your fault- just that he can be pleasant if everything is exactly as he wants it. I don't know you, but I suspect you are actually a very strong person to have got out of the relationship with him.

He's a shit. You're not. It's as simple as that.

If he was doing so marvellously he wouldn’t need to put you down.

You need to compete with yourself not others. How much better are you than two decades ago? How much better than a decade ago? Do you need to put others down to feel more?

Do something loving for yourself now and plan something for next week. You are worth cultivating.

You got out, that makes you a hero not stupid. All kinds of people are vulnerable to abuse in a relationship, it cuts across class and education.

He's not fine btw, he's living in permanent fear.

I have been told that he treats her so much better and this is because apparently she is much more stronger and more worthy as she isn’t as needy as I was.

Surely you don't believe this though? I'm guessing he told you this? Or one of his flying monkeys?

He's just pissed off bc you got away - don't let his mind games work on you. Block him or if you can't bc of the child tell him he's to contact you only about necessary things to do with the child and you'll be ignoring anything else. and tell mutual acquaintances you don't want to talk about him.

Well done for getting away.

I know that you are all right but I can’t believe I fell for it and I put myself through this. I suppose that comes with growth and hindsight, I just wish it didn’t happen. I now have to hear it all the time from our child. Everything he does is bigger and better. We go on holiday and our child will say daddy’s holiday cost so much, it’s much better. I know it’s not their fault but I hate to hear it and I hate that he doing this to our child’s head. There is no better or worse just a different. Nothing I seem to do is ever good enough.

Our child comes home and tells me. He tells them so much stuff all the time. He is the “big man” “hero” when it’s his contact days.

You're not stupid and of course he can be amazing for his contact days, it's a limited time. Does he do any of the not fun/hard aspects of parenting or just showing off with his largesse? It is another way to still get at you. However, I would put money on the fact you love your child unconditionally and he has caveats. He's brought you low but you are worthy and don't forget thst

Tell him there’s an old and wise saying - comparison is the thief of joy.

Something in him saw a weakness in you and went for it. It’s not your fault at all. Nice, good people are the ones that get eaten up all the time.

I understand the weird feeling of “how the hell did I end up here”. I was in an abusive relationship from age 16 and woke up in adulthood like WTF.

The less you communicate with that shit, the better. Keep it about the kids and keep it brief and boring. Fill your life with new people that treat you decently.

That’s how I feel, like I was weak and he exploited me then moved onto someone who’s better at the job!

Is your child literally telling you "she is much more stronger and more worthy as she isn’t as needy as I was" because if that is the line that is being fed you need an age-appropriate discussion with them about taking what dad says with a pinch of salt and that that is not a fair way to essentially talk about you.

There is little that is worse than feeling like a complete fool. I also have that badge. I felt so completely stupid, having "allowed myself" to be completely taken in by a narcissistic sociopath AND having children with him.

You are not alone.
It is NOT your fault.
You will look back on this in your older years and understand this.

Your child will be a grown up one day, and will form their own opinions about their father. All you can do is be the best mother you can be.

I would highly recommend that you consider counselling to help you unravel your feelings and to help you to come to terms with what happened to you.

He is using your child as a pawn to rile you which is disgusting.

You have to ask yourself why he wants all this to get back to you - he's obviously still seething and that's surely gratifying for you? It smacks of insecurity.

Answer your dc with vague, noncommittal phrases such as " that's nice dear", and change the subject every time they bring up their dad - focus on things you are doing together. Child will soon realise they dont get attention either way and their mindset will hopefully change. Your ex sounds like a real bellend.

Who told you that he treats the new woman better? It may not be true and if it is, he will probably change once the honeymoon period is over.
Whoever told you this is another person to avoid, because it is cruel and undermining. You've got free now; that is what matters. Best of luck.

That’s how I feel, like I was weak and he exploited me then moved onto someone who’s better at the job!

You need to rephrase your thinking - he's moved on to another victim who doesn't know what he's like yet but will soon find out - poor cow! You had a lucky escape - would you go back? No I'm sure you wouldn't so you have to pity his new partner bc you know what he's really like. It sounds like some therapy would benefit you if you can access it. He's no prize and you're letting his mind games get to you - only you have the power to let his pathetic attempts at making you jealous and regretful have no affect on you - grey rock and let it slide off your back.