My mothers 80th

[TomAllenWife]

My mother is a bit of a narc, I was no contact for a while but now low contact.
We live 3 hrs away so try and see her only once or twice a year.

Next year is her 80th & my 50th.
I'm doing lots of trip planning for me.

Last week her friend phoned me to ask what I had planned for my mother (nothing)
Was I taking her away?
Was I inviting her to our house?

Am I supposed to have something planned for her big birthday?
I doubt she'll have anything planned for me?
DP thinks I'm being unreasonable but she ruins everything, whatever we do or don't do with her, it won't end up being fun and she will find something to moan about.

Any advice please????

You are an almost 50 yr old grown woman OP do what you want to do.

If you want to drive up take her for a fancy lunch drive home job done, yes a lot of driving but hey a ready made excuse to get away then do that.

She might be better behaved in public.

Depends on how much you want to get involved.

But just do what you want to and let everyone slag you off they will no matter.

It was my mum's 80th this year and she sorted out three parties for herself. I went to two of them. Could you just offer to take her out for lunch or something to cover both your birthdays?

Since her friend (flying monkey) is so heavily involved, send her a voucher for a birthday afternoon tea for your mum and her friend to enjoy. Problem solved.

What has happened at previous birthdays such as her 70th and your 40th? Is it usual for your mother's friend to phone you on behalf of your mother?

Yes she is the flying monkey! She doesn't call me often. Or at all really.
DP said she was probably just trying not to clash with anything I might have planned

I don't really mind taking her somewhere for the night or a spa day but I think that's all I can cope with

I don't think we were speaking on my 40th / her 70th

You could just send her vouchers for a spa day for her and her friend, and spare yourself? It sounds like the friend phoned because your mother asked her to, instead of just discussing it with you herself.

Hi op similar here just took her for meal for 80. Very hard work so we dont do holidays! Siblings felt same so we were united on it.

I think your DP sounds like hard work. Why does DP come up with poor excuses for your mother?. I presume DPa parents are emotionally healthy whereas your mother is clearly not. Well meaning but also easily manipulated relatives and friends like this flying monkey are used by the narcissist for their own ends.

Why did you resume contact with your mother?. People like this cannot do relationships at all and this flying monkey had her own agenda , your own interests were never taken into account so her opinion should be ignored.

I would ignore both the flying monkey and your mother as they are really not worth bothering about. The only people who do bother with narcissistic parents are their adult children who have in turn received the Special Training from childhood to put their needs dead last. You already have physical distance so put more mental distance between your mother and you.

Do also read Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride.