I know he is exH for a whole host of reasons. My DC have to go back and forth between homes because I failed at my marriage.
You didn’t fail at your marriage. A marriage takes 2 people and from reading between the lines of what you’ve said, you’re husband seems be have been far from perfect. At best he seems to have not put much effort into the marriage, at worst he was possibly abusive. So, you didn’t fail. It takes two to make a marriage work and it sounds like you tried.
I have a handful of friends I am in contact with and I'm so grateful for that. I have bad social skills so maintaining friendships are hard.
So, you have some social skills because you have some friends. And whilst you might not have much time, you don’t have no time. Invest in putting some time into your friendship. Even if you have to look after the kids, invite a friend over for dinner or a glass of wine and a catch up when the kids are with your ex. The time your kids are away should be your time for socialising and self care. Prioritise it!
Look at how you are talking about yourself. It’s ALL negative. I think you really need to work on your self esteem. Negative self talk is a learned behaviour and you can unlearn it. Try doing this exercise.
Get a new, unused notebook and only use it for this purpose.
Take 5 mins every day to sit down with a coffee and write something positive about yourself in your notebook.
You might struggle at first but that’s ok. You only have to write one thing. So for example, you could write,
“I am a loving mother who cares about her children or I work hard to support my family.”
Every day, write something down. Then read the list back to yourself. By the end of a week you will 7 positive things to say about yourself.
Keep adding to it and after a year you will have 365 positive things to say about yourself. That prob seems impossible but you will. If you make a particularly nice dinner one night you could put, I make a mean curry/risotto/steak and chips, etc.
You only have to to write one thing each day. Always read it back to yourself from start to finish. It will start to change how you feel about yourself more and more over time. And any time you feel bad or doubt yourself, go and read your notebook.
Another thing you can do to change your negative self talk is to actually learn to recognise it, call it out and challenge it. For example,
“I don’t have good social skills”
Recognise this is negative and not helpful.
Say out loud, no! That’s negative self talk and it’s not true.
Replace with a positive, “I have friends who enjoy my company.”
You might feel strange doing this at first but the more you do it, the easier it becomes and the more you’ll change your self image from a negative to a positive one.
I hope this helps.