How do you build yourself back to go again?

[Freeflight]

I'll be honest, I think i just want a safe space to share how I'm feeling and what steps I can try and take to stop myself being so broken.

Back story is that I've been separated for 2 years (now divorced) from a 16 year relationship, which also happened to be my first, due to infidelity - cue damaged self worth that I've spent a lot of time and effort building.

I've been "dating" for around a year with a few dates from OLD and some from the real world.
My success rate of even getting a date is slim. 6 in a year, most only 2-3 dates.

The thing recently has been that the last date made it to almost 5, and seemed really different. Genuinely seemed like he liked me. I'd spoken to his family, he asked me to be exclusive/girlfriend, we had dates, we messaged, there were long phone calls, it felt unlike those before, and then he vanished into thin air without a word.
It's really cut me up. I get that it's a lucky escape, but I'm just not past the tears yet. I think more of it is because it's been a shitty few months with family bereavement, work issues etc and his presence became a bit of a beacon of hope.
The man before that was supposed to be a casual thing, giving me some confidence as I had known him through a social thing for about a year and he knew my situation and how I'd got there. We only met about once a month, in hindsight it was all about him, and he turned out to be married.

So the last 2 dating experiences I feel completely deceived. Was I too trusting, or were they just really good at pretending?
How do I put trust in the next person?
How do I move past being so disheartened by it all.
I feel really lost. All my friends say "it'll happen when you least expect it", but these are the same people who got excited thinking the last guy was that "least expect it" moment.

I don't want to be alone and miss company. I have friends and do social things, but that's not an every day thing so it's something I do hope to find someday so know that at some point I'll have to open up to the potential of being hurt again.

I'm so sorry, that sounds really shitty.

I honestly don't get that sort of behaviour - dates, asking you to be his girlfriend, etc, and then ghosting you. It's awful. How difficult is it to send a message to just say he doesn't think things are working out? It's so disrespectful. And it sounds as though you felt he was genuine, which makes things all the more difficult. I know I would start to question my intuition and wonder if anyone I met was genuine, or if they are just putting on an act?!!

I relate to what you say about damaged self worth - I separated from my exDH of 20 years 9 months ago. My self esteem was at rock bottom and I've been working on myself but still feeling pretty crap most days. I feel lonely and would love to meet someone but somehow feel that if I liked them, I would get too attached and take it all too seriously too quickly. I have a friend who has just got divorced and she was saying that she can't wait to start dating, have some FWBs and great sex, but I just don't feel I could do that. Maybe it would help in a way to move on, but I feel I would get too emotionally attached.

From the sounds of it I don't think you are being too trusting, but maybe I would hold a part of you back until you really know you can trust them. Maybe it would be an idea not to fully open up and be completely vulnerable, but to keep it all a bit more lighthearted for longer, and then if it doesn't work out, it won't be so gutting. I think taking things slowly and not getting too excited that you may have found "the one" too early, is important - I honestly think it takes months (or even years!) to really know someone - at the beginning, most people are showing a filtered, best version of themselves, and it can take a while for the authentic self, with all the good bits and bad bits, to show.

It's difficult as every person and situation is different, and I am so out of the dating game, but from what I've heard, if people come on too strong at the beginning (however great the connection feels) it can sometimes be love bombing and won't last.

I honestly think the only solution is to continue to build up your self esteem and building a life that you enjoy. Doing things in your life that are fulfilling and enjoyable (outside of dating or trying to meet someone) will help, and then the whole "meeting the right guy" will have less importance, and there will be less pressure on it all. I'm trying to follow this advice myself but it's bloody difficult, especially when you are feeling lonely on a dark winter's evening!

And the other thing you said about having to open up to the potential of being hurt again - that struck a cord with me, as it's something I'm thinking about too. I think if we decide to be open to dating or relationships rather than choosing to stay single, it's a risk every day that we may be hurt. We may be hurt if we like them but get rejected after the first date, after 6 months of dating, or 20 years of marriage! Or if we decide to reject them that could also be painful! It's all going to be a risk, so I guess it's deciding whether or not we feel strong enough to take that risk and if the potential benefits of dating/ relationships outweigh the disadvantages...

@Sparklecati thanks for the reply.
I wanted to try the whole FWB set up, but I found that made me feel even less important. As the sex wasn't actually that good, they don't care about you, and then, well then he was married so I was actually unknowingly being part of something awful.

I found I spent a long time trying to feel better about myself, and I'm a lot further than I was. And quite a bit of the time, I think i am awesome. And then these things happen that seem to strike you down and you can't really understand them so they just sit there with no explanation.

Probably holding myself back more is a good idea, I'm a very open person, and generally giving with my thoughts/time so maybe that can be a start.

I'm lucky that I have friends that I can do things with, but as most are in relationships you can't do something all the time so I think I have most evenings. As you say, lonely evenings can be hard, especially at this time of year.

Sad thing is I remember this point last year and people telling me that new dating pauses as people spend Xmas with friends/family/don't want a new person in case they think they have to spend time/buy gifts.
I thought that I might have managed a relationship of some kind in the 12 months since then as I think I'm generally an ok person.