Finding it hard to move on

[VBL]

I was with this guy for four years, he had been living with us ( my two children ) for three years and his uni aged daughter had moved in whilst not at uni .

We split up in February after a small argument that he totally blew out of proportion and he decided to very quickly and without any proper communication move his stuff out. I was totally blindsided but also so angry, and really just focused on protecting the children .
We never had a decent conversation about the end and he was so immature when it came to the kids. I spoke to his daughter loads of times at the end to reassure her but he hadn’t spoken to or contacted my children even to say goodbye . It was bizarre . He did really petty things like remove my boys from the Netflix , immediately stopped paying bills etc

Now are so far on I feel like the shock has worn off and I’m more sad and confused . I’ve seen and heard through various channels he has been travelling, visiting his brother in LA and it looks like he’s moved on with a new partner . It’s made me so upset and hurt and I feel like he’s just got away with completely ejecting us from his lives . I don’t know how to get any sense of closure or even to understand what happened . I feel traumatised really .
if I reach out to him it might feel embarrassing and he probably won’t say anything helpful but I’m just so pissed off and confused still.

I think you'll regret contacting him. I don't think you'll get anything useful from it and probably just feel worse.

It sounds like maybe he had someone else or had already decided to end the relationship and the minor argument was his excuse to drop the bomb.

I'm sorry, you must feel awful, but I think you're better off not chasing him for answers.

I was thinking the same as pp
My guess is he wanted out and orchestrated this disagreement as an excuse to leave

I’ve been through a very similar thing. Very long term relationship that ended with one stupid argument and there was no two-way conversation about it. It was just over.
I decided in the very early days that I would provide my own “closure” by recognising that his actions were all I needed to really see. No words he would have said would have made it any easier and it’s been an extremely painful experience to feel all the feelings with no outlet and not being able to say my peace.
”Closure” isn’t real. It’s an illusion we hold onto in the hope that we’ll be able to hear some magic words (or an apology) and that those words will end our pain. The only way to get over the pain is to go through it. Sit with it and accept that today you feel sad/angry/hurt/ disposable/lonely or whatever it is. Don’t be afraid of feeling those things. Over time the grief and pain/anger will lighten and one day you will realise that today was a good day ❤️‍🩹

I know you’re right . It’s just such strange behaviour and feels so callous and weird towards the kids especially. Even his own daughter . My friends have called it abusive as we were due to buy a new house, we had one car ( his after I sold mine) etc etc .
i know you’re right though . Just so hard!

Aw thank you. I’ve been getting on pretty well and had quite a productive year despite all of this . I guess with Christmas coming up etc it’s made me more reflective . I do feel angry though almost like he’s stolen so much from me and my children and wider family .
Thanks for the sweet message x

That all sounds v. intense. I understand why you are still processing. If you have no reason to contact him, although it's hard, I would resist. He won't be answering...

Hi op,

If he moved out with no real reason than a blown out argument, I think he was trying to get out. He just didn’t say why. Maybe because there is no why but that it wasn’t working for him…

When kids are involved, it becomes quickly messy and the fact he just didn’t say good bye also tells you his feeling towards them.

Be glad. He could have stayed another 10years and then still act like that. I understand your hurt and you should probably see someone to have this sense of closure but please op, do not contact him. It won’t end well.

There are good men outthere,

Good luck 🌺

I agree 100%. Seeking ’closure’ usually turns out to be a painful mistake.

OP, you won’t hear or find out anything that will help you. He is a selfish coward who invented a grievance in order to dump you and your DC. Do you really want any further contact with a man who would treat your children as a disposable inconvenience?

I wish you and DC a happy future with better people in your life.

Edited for typo.

He's not taken anything from you mate, he's given you the gift of your time. Time that you can move forward building your own destiny rather than hanging on the coat tails of someone that will one day let you down. Be grateful you didn't waste 20 years on the disappointing arsehole. Go smash life 🙌🏼

He just wasn’t as committed to the relationship and the blended family as you were OP. His attitude towards your DC tells you that. The small argument was just the excuse he needed to leave.

You aren’t going to get what you’re looking for from him. It sounds like he’s been enjoying life - fewer parenting responsibilities with an adult daughter, time in LA, new girlfriend. He’ll only be bemused that you are still “dwelling” on the relationship.

You need to find the closure within yourself. Could you write him a letter and burn it (rather than send it)?

No I don’t . You’re right . My Dad says it still gives him sleepless nights as he feels so duped by this man that was totally embraced into the family - to just disappear . I feel guilty on the impact on the kids and my family but I guess telling him wont change anything! I won’t give him the satisfaction.

That’s a good idea and my friend said the same to get it all off my chest . It feels so heartless and cowardly and you want to scream, but I never did get to say it all as he just scuttled off .

Screaming is good too. Scream and rant and cry into thin air. He may not be listening but you still get to say it all out loud.

Definitely don't contact him OP. Nothing good ever comes of it, and you'll just feel silly afterwards.

And don't beat yourself up about feeling pissed off and confused. Allow yourself to have those feelings - you're entitled to them. And don't feel like you're not getting over it quickly enough.

What I will say is that the feeling of being over it will come suddenly and unexpectedly. I was really struggling to get over someone I was dating earlier this year. We'd been dating for only 2 months but 5 months after we last spoke, I was still wishing he'd message me to explain or discuss giving it another go. A day didn't go by where I didn't think about him. Then, after coming out of the cinema last Friday evening, I decided it was done and unmatched him on Hinge. I've barely thought about him for the last week, and I'm no longer really bothered if he reaches out or not. This would've been inconceivable to me 3 weeks ago.

I Agree with all them: what could he possibly say that will give closure? If you list out all the things he could say which are consistent with his actions which would give closure?

It’s hard but he just wasn’t that into you- and there is no way to deliver that message in a way that is not cruel.

I experienced something similar a decade ago where an argument was blown out of proportion and the relationship a long term one ended by text. I was on holiday with friends at the time making my way home and we agreed we will meet to talk when I flew home on that day. I flew home that day and texted that I arrived home and ready to talk and heard nothing. I didn't write anything that night and then the next day and then the next day. A few weeks went by still nothing, I saw him online etc and active on social media and still nothing. Friends invited me around for drinks one weekend and encouraged me to open a tinder profile and then I started to swipe and saw him on there. That night I blocked him from every single channel but I knew his number off by heart and got upset on how I would ever truly move on if I can't even forget his number.

Well guess what, you do. Best thing I've done was blocked him and moved on. I did think about him every day for a long time, I got angry, I grieved the moments that I didn't get the chance to live with him for instance when I saw a family with a newborn as he promised me marriage and having babies. Every moment reminded me of him. I was angry because he never gave me the closure, I was angry and started questioning myself how it may of been my fault for starting the argument. Now 10 years on, thank fuck he fucked off like that. It wasn't my fault at all, he was a twat, a coward and I deserved someone so much better and I was right to cause that argument. I have my own family and absolutely adore my husband and I count myself so lucky to have that twat leave like that because if he hanged on for another year, then I wouldn't have met my wonderful husband.

He sounds childish the way he moved out and cancelling your children off Netflix. You behaved liked the mature adult communicating with his daughter while he had a tantrum. I would say he can’t be on his own. When things go wrong he moves on quickly. He will likely do it again. It is hard at Christmas I felt like this last year. It makes you consider family etc. I wouldn’t contact him op as even if he came back into your life you would worry he would do the same again. If you need closure maybe consider therapy.

11 years ago I was ghosted by someone I was head over heels with after an argument
Only a week earlier he had been talking marriage
I had only been with him for 15 months and didn't live together BUT we worked together
I was utterly distraught
He soon got engaged to someone else from work and that year almost finished me off
But I now know he's an absolute nutter and had we been living together etc he would have done the same as it's what he did to his ex wife . Lied to us all and said she'd cheated but really just did a moonlight flit over some disagreement

There's no point trying to understand or get closure from this type of person

What a cruel man. Dreadful creature.

And he's treated his own daughter badly too?

I'm not surprised you're still stunned.

Really don't contact him. He sounds like someone who really really doesn't give a shit about anyone else.

I wouldn't be surprised if he pops up again over the next year or so. I mean everything will not be roses for him. Please do your family a favour - as well as yourself - and do not give him the time of day.

You will feel better day by day. Try not to think about him too much. You're doing really well. At least your dcs have you, their rock. His poor dd on the other hand has him for a father.

Do not contact him, you're better off without him, he's obviously an arse and once he did petty things to my children that would put me off of him straight away.
If you want to still be there for his daughter it's up to you, after all it's not her fault.
But stay away from him, he's a childish, nasty, twat and is not worth your time, he's probably done this before.

I think you have to think of this in terms that he was grossly dishonest and you would have never been able to trust him.He took you in and you trusted him but in reality he wasn't in the same place as you emotionally. Try to think of it in terms that you were scammed it will help you to see him for what he was.
Look after yourself.

I do feel totally scammed , he moved into my house , my children’s home , came a big part of family and friendship group, even my volunteering at the Foodbank , sold my car etc and then he just fucked off in my eldest sons GCSE year . He should come with a warning!