How can I turn my marriage around??

[voussoir]

DH and I seem to have a huge gulf between us at the moment and I feel so lonely. I'm sure he does too, we have both sorely neglected the relationship and now we barely communicate. I love him as the father of our DCs but there is no affection, he sleeps in a different bed. We don't argue and always make an effort to have a good time at weekends doing family stuff. But every time I think everything is ok I suddenly realise this isn't normal. I can't bear the thought of splitting up but do we have to live like this? What can I do?? Any advice appreciated.

what about counselling? to find out why there is a huge gulf between you and how to rebuild your relationship

Thanks. That's something I'd thought about, I'm not sure if DH would agree to it though. Do you have to get counselling privately? I know I shouldn't put our marriege before I finances but we're pretty hard up..!

Do you know how he feels?
Have you managed to have a talk about things?
Could you spend a weekend alone together?

I have a friend who was in a similar situation. They were amazed to discover that they still loved each other and really needed to spend time together. They managed to get away for a week where they both talked and began sleeping in the same bed again on their return.
They're still working on it. Its hard work but they're both determined to make a go of it.

I went through this not so long ago with my DH. We have two young DC's (3 and 1.75!) and we were both just knackered. Everything he said or did annoyed me, or made me feel like utter shit, and I couldn't bear him to touch me or even joke about sex. And, (so I found out later) vice versa.

One day we got the PILs down to babysit and we went for lunch in the pub. We were hardly on speaking terms.
We played a little game of writing down questions and folding down the paper, then handing it over, and answering the other's question. We sorted through a few things, and both made an effort to be more considerate.
Since then, it's like we've cleared the air, and we are more or less back to our old selves, taking the mick out of each other, even flirting and finally back in the sack together.
We are still knackered, and still co-sleep with DD every night, but it's so much better.

All you need is some time ALONE together to talk. At least that would be a start. Part of the problem would be admitting it to each other that you are both lonely.

I know it's sounds simple, 'just talk' and I'm sure it's much more complex than that, but it's a starting point. If you both still really love each other, it's worth a shot.

Best of luck.

Thanks Jahan. I arranged for us to go away for a weekend at the end of last year. He wasn't that keen due to money worries but in the end we enjoyed it and went for nice walks etc, enjoying eachother's company. But he slept on the floor!! Said the bed was too soft. Didn't exactly improve the intimacy situation!

We've talked about the sleeping arrangement quite a bit - he gets up v. early for work and I like to stay up reading so he says its easier just to go to bed early and not disturb me, and he is not comfortable on a normal bed because of his back problems. I bought a futon-style bed last year that I knew would be ok for his back and he slept there for a while before graduating out again. Is he weird? Am I SO unattractive?! I feel very rejected (let alone a bit gutted to be stuck with a nasty hard bed) and I've got so used to sleeping alone that now I don't even want him back in my bed.

Hi Annie. I'm glad you have managed to improve things for you and your DH. Yes we probably do need to talk but when you've not really been communicating on any meaningful level for so long it feels almost impossible!

I know what you mean exactly. That's why I brought paper and pencils to the pub! I knew I wouldn't be able to just say what I wanted to, and that he'd interrupt and then I'd lose track of what I was saying. He thought it was a stupid idea at first and kept drawing porno sketches, but when I wasn't laughing he evenutally joined in.
Please don't feel that it is your fault. It's for the both of you to work on. He must try to see that.

That's true, I do feel like all the weight of trying to sort this out is on me at the moment and he is just carrying on regardless!

There are lots of related issues - being so busy and tired, having no social life to speak of and the general strain of having young children that you know so well!

And I really lost confidence in my body and myself in spite of making a big affort to lose weight after DD was born. There have been times when I have really wanted to flirt with him and try and get a "spark" back, but then he's in a different bloody bed making no effort whatsoever and I just lose the will to go on!!

I can completely relate to that. Completely. Loss of self confidence is hard to overcome, but it CAN be done. Even talking about to someone can help, and then tackle him with the other stuff.

Just know that you are not alone, and there are others in similar situations. Easy for me to say I know, but I have been there.

This probably sounds really moronic, but do you think it would be worth starting with a really small move, like you would with someone you didn't know very well? Asking him to help you in some small way, like with a jigsaw or crossword, so that you can start a small conversation about how difficult it is, your eyes ain't what they used to be, etc..
Sorry if that sounds dumb. I took it that you didn't communicate at all, so I've started from that level

Do you think that he might be sleeping apart from you because he's got an impotancy problem and is embaressed to tell you or go to the doctor.

I'm not sure how you'd approach it though, as, if I'm right, he's probably petrified of even a cuddle, because of were it might lead. And more pressure means less likelyhood of success mean more pressure, so round and round he goes.

If you think it's likely, could be be persuded to have a "Well Man" check up at the doctors - tell him it's routine for all men of his age.