Relationship progression when you have teenagers

[Tabithasmom]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for nearly two years and he has 'met' my children maybe 6 or 7 times now.

The meetings have been things like him being in the house for a few minutes while he's picking me up to go out, him coming round to drop something off and me meeting him outside and the children nosing at the window/opening the downstairs window to speak to me and he says hi, he has been round a couple of times in the evening and the children have popped in and out briefly to ask me something whilst he's been here, just things like that and he has stayed over twice whilst the children have been here - left early in the morning before they wake up but they've known he was staying over.

We're both quite busy so usually manage to see each other once every week or two for a few hours in the evening overnight but as we pass the two year mark, he's been saying he's keen to be a bit now involved in family life, be around the children more etc.

I'm not opposed to that; I do see us as a long term thing and hope we would get married and live together in the future (perhaps when my children have both left home - they're 13 and 17 at the moment) but I'm not sure how, or how quickly to progress from here.

I've spoken to my children about him and how they feel about me seeing him (just a general, light hearted query, nothing heavy) and my eldest said he's fine with my boyfriend coming round and "will get to know him over time" and my youngest said "it's fine" but when pushed a bit said "it's weird having someone I don't know in the house".

Just wondered how other people have progressed their relationship after the first year or so if you have children - I do like 'a timeline of a relationship' type posts so any real life examples of how you've progressed and in what capacity would be really helpful.

Thank you :)

I have a 12.5 year old. Single parent with no support from my ex so my time away from son is very limited. I have been with my partner for 3 years.

He met my son as a friend very quickly, within a couple of months. He stayed over occasionally in a "separate" bedroom for about 6 months. I have other friends come and stay so my son didn't think too much about it. My son knew we were in a relationship by 7 months. Since then we have routine of spending maybe 3 nights together a fortnight at my house. It works ok, although I'd love to see my partner more often.

I don't see that any further progression is possible until my son is at least 18, he would never cope with someone moving in.

My now DH integrated in quite easily tbh, my youngest took it upon himself to introduce himself to DH through his car window when he arrived to pick me up 😂

He came over a few times a week for dinner. We took them out bowling/football matches etc.

We moved in together after 18 months (it made sense financially tbh!) and they love him now. We got married 10 weeks ago, met 4 years ago :)

Take the lead from your children and meet outside of the house to build the bond, you need to go on 'family dates' to build their comfort levels, so cinema trips and food afterwards, a trip to football etc and then when they are comfortable and have gotten to know him out the house, dinner and pizza and movie at home.

They're quite introverted so don't really like to go out much, that's my problem...

You need to help your DC with their social skills and getting out and about. I appreciate it isnt easy but being an introvert doesn't mean you don't do things, it means you do things and build in quiet time to recharge your battery.

DD is autistic and has a limited social battery but staying at home all the time not interacting with people isn't healthy. If I want DD to do something I'll give her prior notice, "on Tuesday evening we are going to the Theatre, where do you want to eat before hand, Yo sushi or Wagamama?" We dont do things on a busy Saturday afternoon but would do things midweek or in the evening now she's older when noisy, screechy children aren't about. You can do quieter things or go at quieter times. Board game cafes, cat cafes, retro arcades. Taster ski/snowboard or tubing lessons. Watersports activity once it gets warmer. A climbing or bouldering session. All things that are used to develop team work and improve relationships.

Or find high value things that DS would actually like to do, comic con, visiting author, poetry reading whatever - I think you actually need to sort that out before doing things with the boyfriend as well. And possibly look into more bereavement therapy, things can rearrange their heads years after even if they weren't an issue at the time as they grow older and develop.

I’m in a similar situation but my partner hasn’t yet met my children. I think maybe build up the home visits so they get to know him a bit better. He could come for dinner once a week. Maybe do something fun with the kids bowling etc from time to time. I don’t intend to push to hard with my kids but would like them to get to know him in small steps.

I’m in a very similar situation to you. We did an activity & then as that went well we went for a shortish meal together.
Since then he’s been over a handful of times. Sometimes it’s to do something all together and one of us has cooked for us all & a couple of times got them involved in the cooking. Other times he’s come round late as they are going to bed or half an hour before they are due to go to their dad’s so they’ve just seen him for a bit. My youngest will stop & chat my eldest disappears off which I’m fine with.
I think with teenagers a softly softly approach is needed and find something everyone wants to do so no one feels out of their comfort zone.
Does he have kids too? I assume not as you didn’t mention them.
I think this is all easier with younger kids from my experience.