Toxic friendship

[NMc16]

I recently cut out a toxic friendship which has been very hard. Fed up of belittling comments and passive aggressive behaviour and being walked all over . I knew it was the right decision and still battling with it. I made myself too available for them and did not put up boundaries. Mainly I’ve experienced abuse from others asking why and they have either failed to understand or just think I’m in the wrong because we were close and a load of rumours and other shit came out of it. I’m tired of it all. I want to just be left alone in peace. They have only heard one side of the story and just dismissed my actions. They don’t know what went on or how I felt. All I know is as soon as I told them where to go I got instant relief and felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Has anyone else been in this situation or have advice?

Just use that line - there’s 2 sides of the story and the friendship wasn’t an easy one. I wish her well but I needed to step away.

Do not add fuel to any flames.

You can only control your own behaviour. If, as it sounds, you were a longtime people-pleaser who went along with a relationship where you were 'walked all over' without protest, until you finally cracked and ended it, you can surely understand why everyone looking on is so taken aback.

People-pleasers come on Mn all the time saying 'People hate you when you stand up for yourself'. But that's in the context of someone who goes along with a relationship or set of relationships longterm, simmering over with unexpressed resentment, before finally blowing up. To other people who are not in your head, you've massively overreacted because you were apparently perfectly happy with the status quo all along, before you suddenly exploded.

All you can do in your current circumstances is focus on the fact that this decision was the right one for you. Explain the true situation from your POV to close friends who really matter to you. Ignore the others -- do they really matter? And the most importance take-home for you should be not to engage in relationships where you feel walked over. Communicate your real feelings at the time. Don't suffer in resentful silence.

I am a massive people pleaser and would have bent over backwards but nothing eas ever ‘good enough’. Another ‘friend’ would have done this and that and gone the extra mile apparently. It was as if they wanted me to compete with this other person or wanted to make me feel jealous. They are both in complete shock and hurt and I’ve asked them to look at their actions but I don’t think they will ever see what they done or what caused me to react and block them out of my life. Belittling comments about someone’s appearance, relationship and other choices was certainly not friendly advice it was their way of controlling me and being me down to their level which I wasn’t going to let happen

Then work on what makes you so averse to saying 'No, that doesn't work for me', or 'I don't appreciate your belittling comments'?

People-pleasing isn't 'just being a nice person and a good friend'. Look what it made you do -- you bent over backwards for someone who routinely belittled you, and you went along with it for a long time, until you didn't. Did you even like her? If you didn't, why did you do so much for her?

Don't compare yourself to other people's actions. I've done things for good friends in need -- I've hopped on transatlantic planes, I've taken three train journeys to sit under someone's hospital window for an hour and talk to them on the phone (Covid, so couldn't visit), I've stood between them and a man with his hand raised, but those were my freely-chosen decisions. I wasn't people-pleasing.

I did like them of course and did consider them both a good friend. There was two of them and I just felt ganged up on. Mainly because I was in a relationship and they didn’t like my partner for whatever reason. When I asked them what their issues were they said they didn’t have an issue but eas clearly evident they did

Another "friend" has told you what they would have done, probably trying to guilt trip you into a course of action you no longer wish to take.
Why not smile brightly and say "Good for you!" The message will hang in the air that they are a better, more forgiving person than you are, which might make them feel better about themselves, but to they really want to take this on?
You were conveniently taking the pressure off them, and they're probably a bit miffed about having to deal more often with what sounds like a difficult person.

But why did you like and consider 'good friends' people who belittled you regularly? I can appreciate that sometimes someone we genuinely like and consider a good friend can turn strange and do or say something appalling out of the blue that makes us reconsider our whole relationship to them, but this wasn't a one-off and sounds like regular behaviour.

I guess I was maybe afraid of being lonely and having no friends so I put up with their behaviour to save arguments and drama

Will you be able to find a new set of people? It's so very hard and lonely to lose friends, especially a group, but if you can find a new social network that will help - and you can practise not putting up with toxic behaviour.