OH and birthdays

[nicemarmot]

It’s my birthday, just had an argument with DH about no one making much of an effort on my birthday & now feeling crap & angry. I was feeling really pissed off and upset but have been made to feel like I’ve been a spoilt diva. DH has been unwell with a chest infection for ages so I knew he wasn’t very organised. There was no card and a present which wasn’t wrapped. At lunch time he went out to get ingredients to make a simple dinner which he cooked. After dinner he went and watched the football on tv with DSs while I cleaned and washed up. Admittedly I’d had a drink which probably didn’t help my mood but am I unreasonable to hope that someone had given me a hand?! How are you treated on your birthday- am I being high maintenance? We seem to have argument every birthday- maybe I should have learned by now!

Lots of here will most likely tell you you've been childish as there is some weird MN thing around not bothering with birthdays as an adult.
I agree with you though and no way should you have washed anything up.
I do little to nothing on my birthday and we always eat out with the kids on the actual day then do something as adults on the nearest weekend evening.

Wish I didn’t care about it but the same pattern gets repeated every year. Now got to deal with pissed off DH in the morning.

My birthday only ever gets noticed because my best friend tells my DDs about it and organises them! DH is rubbish at it.

@ditzzy do you care or are you just used to it? Maybe I just need to change my mindset, expect nothing & anything else is a bonus.

I pretend not to care, but it always bugs me - which my friend knows, which is why she always organises something.

My XH was much the same so it always makes me worry that DH doesn’t hold me in any higher regard than my X did. That’s the reason it annoys me more than anything else.

Glad your friend organises something. Will definitely lower expectations going forward!

That sounds pretty shit. Never ask anyone to make a fuss of you though - if they wanted to they would. If they’re forced into it, it’s meaningless anyway.

You’re right, it’s pathetic. But it doesn’t sound like he’ll change because he doesn’t want to. Which sucks. I’m sorry.

I think when you're calmer you should explain exactly how you feel when your DH doesn't make an effort on your birthday, explain what it means to you. Tell him what you would like next time. If he doesn't show willingness or doesn't want to change, then he doesn't seem worth the hassle.

What do you do for your H's and DS's birthdays?

Would they be upset if you did for them what they did for you?

My exh was like this, not the only reason I divorced him but I just felt I didn’t matter to him, always said birthdays are for kids. He now makes zero efforts with his kids funnily enough! I have recently started seeing a lovely man and had the loveliest birthday a few weeks ago

Thanks for all your replies. I couldn’t sleep last night running over it all and then felt exhausted today. It helps to know others don’t think I’m unreasonable, I doubt myself after arguments. No apology from DH but at least no more arguing. I have a tendency to want DH to sense that I’m upset rather than telling him, and then when he doesn’t I blow up with lots of tears and anger. Don’t think perimenopausal hormones are helping either!

DP forgot my birthday this year though was apologetic. Still thinking that I might go away and treat myself next birthday

With men you need to make it very clear what you would like from them, they are not good at reading between the lines, esp true when it comes to birthdays. Eg, "I'd really like it if we could do x on my birthday next month", or "I saw one of these and I'd love one for my birthday ". Yes, you need to be that direct! If you've tried that and there's still no effort, I'd evaluate what you get out of the relationship.

No! You are NOT in the wrong. It's not too much to ask. It's one day a year. You should not have had to wash or clean on your birthday and he should not have gone off to watch bloody football.

YANBU.

I always think it’s sad when someone’s partner doesn’t make an effort for their birthday when they know it means a lot to them.

It’s not something I could put up with from a partner because I would find it triggering due to childhood issues.

But I did have a childhood friend who was like this with me - she would forget my birthday completely while expecting me to get presents for her 3 kids birthdays every year! I don’t get her or her kids presents anymore.

Fair enough some don’t really celebrate birthdays and don’t want anything but if you’re not one of those people it sucks for your partner to just give the bare minimum effort or less if you do a lot for them.

You need to match your partners energy for his birthdays.

My DP doesnt bother much with my birthday though he does make an effort at Christmas.

Last birthday was particularly disappointing so next year, I’m going to go off and do something on my own and have a treat. I think that’s the thing to do.

I find it quite disrespectful tbh, there’s a point where lack of thought becomes lack of care and I couldn’t deal with that. I had an ex like this - I explained to him how important celebrating occasions was to be and he couldn’t give a toss - one of the reasons I left.

It's a narcissistic trait to ruin other people's day or Xmas etc. They can't stand the focus being on someone else. Happy birthday, spoil yourself x

After dinner he went and watched the football on tv with DSs while I cleaned and washed up.

Does he wash up on his birthday? He does now.

But no waiting for someone to be psychic. Tell them what you need and expect it. Women are terrible for this. Men aren't psychic and some of them are lazy and socialised to be selfish. Break that cycle. Ask for what you want, be precise, and tell him when he doesn't deliver.

Definitely guilty of expecting him to read my mind. These last few days have made me realise I need to be more assertive in getting what I want out of life (&not just on birthdays!).

This doesn’t add up, could it be that you’re subconsciously trying to take on some of the blame so you feel less angry with him?

We seem to have argument every birthday- maybe I should have learned by now!

Only you know what you’ve said to him but your initial posts indicate that the lack of effort is an issue you’ve raised with him numerous times. So how are you also guilty of expecting him to “read your mind”? Or have i misunderstood and you are arguing about other stuff on previous birthdays without mentioning his lack of effort?

It sounds as if you've expressed your needs and he has mostly disregarded them because he doesn’t care that much. You shouldn’t have spell this out every single year.

My partner who’s been single for most his life before me, knows to make an effort every single year.